if you forget me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

- Pablo Neruda

for the nth time

with only vague moments and stolen glances to hold on to, the sound of a nickname destroyed the wall i had so carefully built to block the memories.

there are signs that lead nowhere and yet say that the torture will never be over and i will always be haunted by the ghost of lib affairs past. and somehow, no amount of exorcism will drive them out.

at night, i ask the stars: do the ghosts visit my samurai when he listens to the same songs or does the san francisco chill shield him from the cold brought on by the hauntings?

Song of the Day: Love Remains The Same (by Gavin Rossdale)

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time, too long defending
You and I are done pretending
I never thought that
I had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far

it's a self-preservation thing

out of words (and tired of thinking of new ones), i decided to use lines from one of our favorite Christmas movies. though we have opposite opinions about the sub-plots, we agreed that love actually is all around:

but for now, let me say-- without any hope or agenda-- just because it's christmas (and at christmas you tell the truth), my wasted heart would love you until you look like this.

ENOUGH. ENOUGH NOW.

Song of the Day: Here With Me (by Dido)
I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
I am what I am, I'll do what I want
And I can't hide

movie marathon realization

Roman Myth's Narcissus and the nymph Echo...
History's Antony and Cleopatra...
Wagner's Tristan and Isolde...
Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet...
Hans Christian Andersen's Little Mermaid and her Prince
Vonnegut's Newt and Catherine...
DC Comic's Batman and Catwoman...
Anime's Kenshin and Tomoe...

all great love stories start with complications and end as tragedies.

Song of the Day: When We Dance (by Sting)

Cathedrals are broken

Heaven's no longer above

And hellfire's a promise away

I'd still be saying

I'm still in love

one more ayala moment...

ayala avenue was supposed to be MY territory where there would be no memories other than those i had before all complications and walking was supposed to clear my head. yet, my kenshin finds ways to haunt me from san francisco. he was supposed to linger in the law library... not in the streets of makati.

Song of the Day: Here You Come Again (by Dolly Parton)

All you've got to do is smile that smile

And there go all my defenses

Just leave it up to you and in a little while

You're messing up my mind and filling up my senses

minimal reference

i promised there will be minimal reference to the lib affair after the impact caused by the quasi-rockstar but for some odd reason, i found myself staring at an uploaded photograph and it stopped my heart. for five minutes, i was captivated by my kenshin's haircut a la michael douglas in disclosure (coincidentally, my cousin and i were watching it on cinemax, commenting on how few people could pull off that hairstyle). my vision was filled with the flattering effect of a light blue shirt always had on him. made him look like an angel.

the last time my heart skipped a thousand beats was by the stairs leading up to the library-- where it all began.

i am still trying not to think about it. i never said i would succeed but i am hoping that, with a little effort, i will. wherever he is, i wish him happiness. i'm sure he doesn't even have to try to not think of me. it's second nature to him.

Song of the Day: Gravity (by Sara Bareilles)

But you're neither friend nor foe though

I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that

You're keeping me down.

You’re on to me and all over…

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

serendipity (or its absence)

I promised my best friend I will move on... that the performance which included the songs of the past would be the point where I get closure and I guess this is it, my final rambling before I conclude this chapter of my life. All the subsequent ramblings will make minimal, if any, reference to my lib affair.

Last week, a local channel showed its annual pre-Christmas movie-- my annual pre-Christmas movie-- Serendipity. It happened to make both our lists of favorite movies perhaps right beside Love Actually and the soft porn collection that he has. Serendipity has been defined as a fortunate accident, the gift of finding valuable things not sought for. I never sought him out... he just happened to be in line with me wearing that coveted Darth Maul t-shirt and holding his impressive transcript. That was four years ago and I have not lost faith but I have gained practicality. If it has not happened, it probably never will. I am not giving up on love or the nasty but cute little tricks that Fate plays on our mundane little lives but I am growing up though and growing out of him. I have not lost my optimism, I just lost my naivette. It comes with age, I guess.

In the movie, the male lead Jonathan differentiates clues from signs. A clue, according to him, is what a detective uses to find a suspect. A sign is something that happens (or does not happen) which leads somebody to a particular path. I have been bombarded with signs the past two months and the biggest one of all is the grant of a particular wish I made... that I would move on in exchange for a collision. And the higher forces have heard my plea. Now, I am voluntarily moving on. I will not try to forget because that would be impossible but I will try to gradually numb myself from the feelings little things evoke in me.

I was looking through my old articles and I came across the first piece i wrote referring to The Lib Affair published in peyups.com. The article has gained my infamy in the law students' circle. It has been circulated in many law schools, and some have figured out which school library I was referring to. Some made guesses as to who I was talking about and at least one hit close to home. The piece spoke of hope, excitement and an eagerness to find out what tomorrow brings. In short, it spoke of pre-relationship happiness. The catch is that there was no relationship after all the flirting... just a few brief moments that were forgotten too soon. Many who read the article looked forward to a sequel with the expectation of a happy ending, just like any other fairy tale but I think the peyups.com administrators did the right thing of not approving its sequel as it had no happy ending. It did have an ending but it would have made the ecstatic readers despondent over the fate of the affair that never was. I have no plans of crushing people's hopes. Let them assume what happened next, after all, it's more fun that way.

But as for me, I know how it all ends and it is, in a way, a happy ending. I have moved on and so has he. He is in one of what is supposed to be the most beautiful cities and I am trying to find my place in the world. I can't very well do that with something holding me back so I have to let go of a few things. I will only take what I need and I have long established that I do not need him, not at this point in my life anyway.

Should we cross paths again, I think I will be able to smile at him and comment on how we have both moved on to better things.

Song of the Day: Warwick Avenue (by Duffy)
All the days spent together
I wished for better,
And I didn’t want the train to come
Now it’s departed, I’m broken hearted
Seems like we never started

give me a sign

for the past month, i've been bombarded with several clues, signs... whatever you'd like to call it. apparently, the exorcisms weren't enough to banish my ghost. on the nightstand in my godmother's guestroom, there was a statuette of st. anthony. my grandfather took me to a grotto just up st. anthony road by the st. anthony shrine. i was invited to a wedding in san francisco and everybody insists that i would love the city and i should think about staying there for a while before flying home to manila. i said no. i'm not ready for that yet.

the biggest sign of all was last night. i was channel surfing and i came across an episode of samurai x which gave me the wake-up call i needed. the exact moment i came across animax, kenshin began his monologue ending with "i know how it feels to have a burning emptiness in your heart that can only be filled by a loved one. but sometimes, we have no choice but to live without them." yes, there will still be the occasional hauntings but i will say that line over and over to remind me that they're just ghosts that will go away when the dawn comes.

Song of the Day: Still Reminds Me Of You (by Anggun)
And I’ve tried to spend my time with somebody new
But everyone still reminds me of you
I tried to play some songs that’d changed my point of view
But every sound still reminds me of you

the yellow brick road

in the wizard of oz, a lost dorothy had to get to emerald city to see the wizard and find her way home. the good witch of the north told her to follow the yellow brick road and the munchkins echoed the good witch's advice with a song. lacking a yellow brick road in this journey, i remembered what a friend once said: "if you're lost, follow the signs."

i wonder where these signs will lead me.

i don't think i'm quite ready to see the man behind the curtain and click the ruby slippers to take me to san francisco. for now, i'd rather have the illusion that the great and powerful oz does exist.

Song of the Day: Never A Day (by Wood)
Could be a song on the radio
Could be that feeling from long ago
Could be that accidental photo I find
When I'm looking for something else
But I found you

quote for the day

"Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

-Bob Ong

Hopefully, when that time comes, there will only be laughter and smiles and none of the what-might-have-beens.

Song of the Day: Collide (by Howie Day)

I'm quiet you know

You make a first impression

I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

ramblings

excited about my upcoming trip, i couldn't stop talking about it. lulu asked me where i would be going and i said the east coast and a week in california. and of course, being the eternal hopeless romantic, she said that if i run into my kenshin (even though san francisco is miles away from LA), it's one big sign that i can't ignore and i need to do something about it. it happens everyday but not to me, i know that now. all i can do is enjoy the ride, wish him well and see where it takes me.

one step at a time, that's my new mantra. always faithful, with courage, taking one step at a time.

Song of the Day: White Flag (by Dido)

And when we meet, which I'm sure we will

All that was there will be there still

I'll let it pass and hold my tongue

And you will think that I've moved on.

for whom the bell rings

it was my last day at the library. i put my books away and returned the last book stand that i would ever borrow. i donated our table's bell to kuya aga so that he could keep it at the counter and terrorize the noisy people at the library. every time that bell rings, it would speak of every memory we ever had in that library: the lib affairs, the contraband tikoy, hotshots, skittles and coca-cola bottles, the furry pouch kung fu fights, toblerone bars with mr. pogi notes, arguments on which movie to watch and power naps.

the bell would ring of many other memories made by other law students who have moved on to become barristers on their way to being lawyers. i know i will go back one day-- as a lawyer-- just to revisit my days as a law student in the library. the room will whisper of friendships formed, affairs that ended and codal provisions memorized. it's my turn to exit the doors and wait on the other side.

i walked out of the library and rain was falling outside, as if the sky was weeping for the memories i was leaving behind. but i don't mind... there's a bright sunshiny day ahead of me.

Song of the Day: As I'm Leaving (by David Gray)

Through the water

Through the rain

To the soul of everything

Throw my memories to the wind

And I'm almost gone

ex-communication

i promised pambie that i will move on and i am trying to. i have been able to function for two hours now and that's not bad.

they say all real pain lasts for exactly 12 minutes from the time it was first inflicted and anything other than that is self-torture. i vow not to torture myself. i think 30 hours is enough to vanquish the memories of an almost lover.

it's time for the ritual. no, i will not burn photos nor will i throw away old messages. i will just keep them without expectations. the night has passed and today is a brand new day.

i will breathe, keep myself busy, say a little prayer and for one last time, bid him goodbye with a "God bless" and "thank you."

Song of the Hour: Bell, Book and Candle (by Eddi Reader)

Just before the thunder roars

I sense you next to me

And as I move through nature

I know where you will be

So I must keep myself apart, here is where I'll stay

With a bell, book and candle to keep your ghost away

almost lover

i am officially the wife of nightfall.

it's my month and my year and my life.

i can let go if i just breathe deep and not expect anything.

i survived through this more than once and wished happiness upon many others.

why should now be any different?

i will walk on sunshine once more

if i just breathe.

Song of the Hour: I Wish You Love (by Frank Sinatra)

My breaking heart and I agree that you and I could never be,

So with my best, my very best, I set you free.

I wish you shelter from the storm,

A cozy fire to keep you warm,

But, most of all, when snowflakes fall,

I wish you love.

note: whoa!this is too much to take in the span of less than 12 hours. two entries in two hours should tell you something

sa library ni kuya

when you've been hanging out at the library as long as we have, you tend to run into all sorts of characters:

"Big Brother" - the omnipresent, omniscient and benevolent librarian who promised that as long as he was the "kuya" of the library, we will never be evicted. thank you, kuya bernard, for the encouragement and for your endless patience.

"The Photocopier" - ate marlyn, who patiently takes our photocopy orders and delivers them to our table free of charge. she lends us her scissors, pens, pillows and a helping hand. she patiently listens to our ramblings and gives us subtle encouragements. she is an angel.

"Paris Hilton" - the non-Bedan reviewee who does not know how to respect other people's property and constantly chats with his table-mate without even thinking that others are bothered by his actions.

"Kim Kardashian" - the Paris wannabe, look-alike ng kalaban.

"Mr. Nice Guy" - I'm assuming he's a friend or merely an acquaintance of "Paris" who tries to do some damage control by sitting somewhere else when "Paris" is around so that he won't be part of a group that bothers others. He is meek, quiet, considerate, nice and very very respectful of others who are trying to pretend that they're studying. He is only guilty by association and nothing else.

"Quasi-Annie" - the lady who walks to other tables, opens books and lecture notes just to see what the other reviewees are reading. she is intrusive and sometimes smiles at what she's reading and suddenly laughs alone. ate pau thinks she's got a bar buddy we can't see.

"The Garfields" - some get to the library early and some cannot show up before 10am. some are occasionally quiet and some burst into the chorus of Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now. there is always food on their table and the same table by some miracle induces sleep. the table is never empty. we have marked our territory and we will stay there until september. in this table, there is constant laughter, music, the occasional tequila dance and no spaces between the seats (ang hahaba kasi ng legs pag nag-stretch ng paa).

One has to wonder, ano kayang sinasabi nila tungkol sa amin?

In the library where we were once rumored to be banned, there are a lot of characters and there will be more come June. no matter how different we all are, we all go through the same stress, the same trials and we will achieve the same triumphs.

Song of the Day: The Remedy by Jason Mraz

The remedy is the experience.

This is a dangerous liaison

I say the comedy is that it's serious.

monotonous days

araw-araw nalang ganito ang buhay ko. walang katapusang pagbabasa. bakit? BAKIT? BAKIIIT?
these are the endless days and sleepless nights, constant anxiety and mental anguish.

All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know.

Song of the Day: The World I Know by Collective Soul

Bittersweet

And you stood before me knowing that the wings I have you gave.
And that’s just the way it goes now.
And I barely have the breath to breathe much less to fly away.
And that’s just the way it goes now.
And a silence entered the room for a one last,
"I’m gonna love you."
So God bless and thank you.

Song of the day: Bittersweet by Sara Bareilles

It was indeed bittersweet.
A memory of walking up the stairs only to find my world had stopped for five seconds.
He is halfway around the world and I am now ready to let go of the "I love you, Sabado" songs.
A visit to reaffirm the friendship that disguised itself as something more.

Top the bar, he said. It's a long shot but will try although there is no promise in that.

Thank you for your faith in me.
They're celebrating 5 years of being together. Happy Anniversary, ID. I wish all the happiness for both of you.

estopped

estoppel in pais - according to dean albano... it's when you don't speak when you should have and you speak when you shouldn't.

estoppel by laches - again, according to dean albano, the failure to exercise a right after a number of years.

i've been estopped many many times before

A moment of weakness

it's been a while since i've felt like this. i guess it's all that rain... it always rained when he was around. i'm content and sometimes i truly believe i'm happy but there's always a moment when everything crashes down on me. i guess the rain's there to wash it all away. i now thank God for the rain. it means a lot to me... almost as much as it means to the farmers who've been waiting for water to come down from the heavens.

and now that the moment's over, i can go back to my normal life (whatever that is).

The way we should be

I guess it was really meant to end this way.

I'd always imagined that by this time, I'd have done a lot of things. By the time I turned 25, I thought I would be a lawyer... or at least taking the bar this September. I'd also imagined myself with you.

Life gets in the way. Nothing turned out the way I planned. There were heartless professors and the professors who had to teach me things other than what I read in law books. I had to eat a slice of humble pie, spit out a few painful feelings, laugh alone in public. I also got to meet new people... people who caught my attention for a while so that I can slowly let you go. Fate has a sick sense of humor and I can't help but laugh along with it.

I'm 25. I'm not a lawyer yet nor am I taking the bar this year. I'm not with you.

But I'm happy. I'm happy because if I did end up with you, I certainly wouldn't be here, I'd be missing a few more precious memories that I keep dearly now. I'm happy because were it not for the obstacles, I would never be the samurai sword I am now, wielded, exposed to fire, molded several times to be of value to someone... even if it's not you.

This is exactly where I want to be... how I want to be. It took me a long time to get here but what matters is that I'm here and I'm happy. This is exactly where I should be. I can truly say that I have moved on.