quotable quotes

hearing a rumor that the inevitable may come this february, i found the need to console myself with words of those who have come before me...

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
-Rose Kennedy

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." -Kahlil Gibran

"The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but that this humiliation is seen by everyone." -Milan Kundera

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it." -Helen Keller

"Some of the best lessons are learned from past mistakes. The error of the past is the wisdom of the future." -Dale Turner

"In order to learn the important lessons in life, one must, each day, surmount a fear."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world— not even our troubles." -Charlie Chaplin

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face; You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed." -GK Chesterton

"The noir hero is a knight in blood caked armor. He's dirty and he does his best to deny the fact that he's a hero the whole time." -Frank Miller

"For we pay a price for everything we get or take in this world; and although ambitions are well worth having, they are not to be cheaply won." -Lucy Maud Montgomery

The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering." -Ben Okri

"Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting." -Dr. Seuss

"Nalaman kong habang lumalaki ka, maraming beses kang madadapa. Bumangon ka man ulit o hindi, magpapatuloy ang buhay, iikot ang mundo, at mauubos ang oras." -Bob Ong

Song of the Day: Fallen (by Sarah Mclachlan)

But we carry on our backs the burden

Time always reveals

In the lonely light of morning

In the wound that would not heal

It's the bitter taste of losing everything

That I've held so dear.

contented exhaustion

taking on a new role, i have broken away from being a statistic. i am now part of the workforce, i am now an official resident citizen taxable for income made within and outside the philippines, a compensation income earner not subject to itemized deductions.

the first week required some adjustment but everything will be smooth sailing from now on... i hope.

the next five months will prove to be very interesting and rewarding. what happens next will be a pleasant surprise, whatever it may be. and it's keeping my brain from wandering back to a time i have sworn to leave behind.

Song of the Day: Gravity (by Sara Bareilles)

Set me free, leave me be

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me.

the barrister's creed

(an edited version of the Rifleman's Creed)

although i am technically no longer a barrister, this still holds true.

This is my codal. There are many like it but this one is mine. My codal is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I master my life. My codal, without me is useless. Without my codal, I am useless.

My fountain pen and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...

My memory aid is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weakness, its strength, its pages, its footnotes and its markings. I will keep my memory aid clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...

Before God I swear this creed. My materials and myself are the defenders of my grade. We are the masters of stress. We are the saviors of my life. So be it, until victory is ours and there is no enemy, but Peace.

They say "Be careful what you wish for." I wished for a life without stress. I should've wished for a life after passing the bar... i don't know what i would do if stress was taken out of my life. apparently, i don't know how to slow down and keeping myself busy is as natural to me as breathing.

Song of the Day: Another Suitcase In Another Hall (by Andrew Lloyd Weber)
So what happens now? Another suitcase in another hall

So what happens now? Take your picture off another wall

Where am I going to? You'll get by you always have before

Where am I going to? Don't ask anymore

woman in chains

I hate the feeling of helplessness:
When I know that whatever I do will never be enough because it's out of my hands
When I know that I can never change things alone but nobody else has the courage or capacity to help
When I know all I can do is wait and nothing I say will change things
When I know that I am but one voice unheard.
When all I can do is watch somebody slip away.

SONG OF THE DAY: Woman In Chains (Tears for Fears)
Well, I feel lying and waiting is a poor man's deal
And I feel hopelessly weighed down by your eyes of steel
Well, It's a world gone crazy keeps woman in chains

1AM panic attack

it's me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence...

last night, i went through the longest and worst panic attack i ever had.

pambie said only the subtle panic attacks can kill you. this one was not so subtle but i wished that the ground would literally open up and swallow me alive.

mae said that there's nothing i can do but pray. it's exactly why i've been having these panic attacks. i hate the feeling of losing control, watching everything happen right before my eyes and there's nothing i can do about it. being the obi-wan of panic attacks, she said i've been having them because i have no faith in myself. maybe she's right.

i am walking on the bridge
i am over the water
and i'm scared as hell
but i know there's something better

It's our song, Claire.
Hopefully, after March 29, we'll be singing a happier song and the boom boom in our hearts will end. Then we can feel the sun shine brighter than Doris day.

suntok sa buwan

DARNA!

nope, didn't work. but it was worth a shot

Sweetly Terrifying

I've never thought that the Carpenters could ever come up with a terrifying song.

Being the sentimental person that I am (to the point of sappiness), I've always found the song sweet. Until I watched 1408. You've got to see the movie to understand the terror. After seeing the movie, I actually reflected on the song. Yes, that's me, overanalyzing things.

Even without seeing 1408, "We've Only Just Begun" is a scary song. It speaks of a new journey, doing something you've never done before and it's far from over. It speaks of an end of something to make way for a beginning. And endings are always terrifying because you don't know how things will turn out.

Over the deteriorating quality of coffee at Barcelo, Pambie, Claire and I were talking about losing our passion for the law. We were all struggling to come up with ways to regain that passion and this is the part where I say I strongly disagree with Aristotle when he said that "The law is reason freed from passion." To go through what law students go through every day of their lives, to do what lawyers do, you need passion. You need to be so committed to whatever you're doing to be able to go on. And knowing that this is just the beginning and we're losing our passion... the thought scares the bejesus out of me. At this rate I'm going, I'll never survive.

It took a horror movie to snap me out of la-la land where the last year of law school isn't what I thought it would be. A horror movie and a Carpenters song.

And yes, we've just begun...

Dinner at Lau Chan

Most of my friends know the bitterness I've been harboring toward one of the well-liked professors in school. Well, it isn't that big a deal... I'm sure he didn't mean anything by the hurtful things he said and somehow, I have learned to let it all go. I guess it's a sign that I'm growing up. At first, all the blood went to my head and I worked my ass off just to prove him wrong. And everytime I did something wonderful, academically or otherwise, I would remember his comment and I would study harder. Now, I'm tired of all the bitterness and the anger. Yes, I still have to study... twice as hard but it's not to prove him wrong anymore. I'm studying for me.

What changed my mind? I was invited to dinner last Saturday night, his birthday dinner and he was there, the professor I knew before this whole drama began. Then it hit me, he just did what he thought was best--his delivery just needs a little polishing.

If there's anything I've learned from all this, I hold my own destiny. I can't let other people dictate what I'm going to be. I decide where I will be, who I will be and what I will be.
I guess there's a reason why he's a good professor... he teaches both inside and outside the classroom, both law and life.

All I can say to him now is thank you for the challenge. It made me a better person.

There is no anger

It's just you and I and the truth...

Patience is a virtue...

A lot of things can happen while waiting.

Yesterday, I was waiting for a friend somewhere when a girl approached me. "Excuse me, miss. Can I take a couples of minutes of your time?" I managed to put on a straight face and make a gesture to the effect that she can indeed take a "couples of minutes" of my time but inside, I was screaming OH MY GOD, worthy of Janice from the sitcom "Friends."

It turned out the girl was doing some fundraising thing... selling pens with calendars and all but I didn't understand another word she said, not because of the constant chatter of the people around us nor the music from some loudspeaker or another but because my mind just stopped understanding what she was saying and focused on every little grammatical error she made. Yes, the Grammar Nazi has returned. Funny things happen to those who wait.

Waiting. I hate that word.

Waiting. If you really want to torture someone, make him/her wait for something (or someone). You'll never know what the future holds and you can't do anything else but wait. It's the most horrifying word in the dictionary. Waiting.

Waiting.

That was what a girl was doing late last night by the Manila Peninsula. I was dropping my friend off at the taxi stand near the hotel so I slowed down a bit since I wasn't too familiar with the area. A girl in black was there, smiling in the general direction of the car and I thought that she mistook the car for someone else's... thinking it was her sundo. But then, she waved her hand in a way that I could only interpret as a pick-me-up signal. I wonder how long she's been waiting in that very spot and how long it took before another car came after me... one that would take her up on her offer. It's fascinating how tomorrow's bills will be paid by waiting by a lamp post at 11:30 p.m.

Waiting.

It's what I'm doing now... waiting for the COMELEC Precinct Finder page to load. I keep on thinking about a lot of things while waiting: how much I actually enjoyed taking up the 6 units of Filipino, Eric Bana as the father of my future illegitimate children, that I need to remind my groupmate to email me the powerpoint presentation for Tuesday, Eric Bana, the poor girl that offered me the pens but I couldn't blurt out anything coherent because I was trying so hard not to laugh..."

Waiting.

The most painful thing in the world. The worst way to torture yourself. But here I am, inflicting pain on myself.

I've been waiting for a lot of things... a lot of people for most of my life. But sometimes, waiting just isn't enough. A lot of things happen while we wait around-- life happens. And now, I'm ready to be part of what happens outside the world of waiting.

What Are You Afraid Of?

Fear is an ally. Make friends with fear from “A Time To Kill” by John Grisham


How do you make friends with fear? You face them. You have to do something that you’ve been terrified of doing with the faith that you will survive through the ordeal.


At first I was afraid I was petrified…


That brings us to figuring out the answer to the overrated question: What are you afraid of? In the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Eowyn (Miranda Otto) answered this question beautifully. “I fear neither death nor pain.” What did she fear? “A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them. And all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire.” As things go haywire, you try to run to prevent harm but all you can do is watch and accept the reality that somehow, the world is conspiring to keep you from doing anything to help. Like maybe you weren’t meant to win this battle.



Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves) had a good answer too in “The Replacements.” He said one word: Quicksand. He further explained that it was the feeling that everything was going your way and in a split second, everything goes wrong. Then you do everything you can to get back in the game but the more you struggle, the lower you sink until you can’t breathe. Quicksand. Like somehow, you weren’t meant to win this game.


A lot of my friends are afraid of the flying ipis… somehow you can’t kill it no matter how accurate your aim is. It goes on flying across the room and terrorizing you no matter how deadly your slipper is. It threatens to land on you as if it doesn’t matter that the whole house is reeking with the fatal smell of Baygon. Like somehow, this ipis is immortal… you were never meant to kill this ipis.



Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? It’s the sound of inevitability.” That is what I fear most… the inevitable and my own Agent (later on Mister) Smith saying, “Do you hear that? It’s the sound of inevitability.” My heart beats faster at the realization, my palms get sweaty and I get panic attacks because in the middle of the process of trying to salvage things, I hear the sound of inevitability. I hyperventilate as I try to do all I physically, mentally and emotionally can to prevent what I know is unavoidable—the kind of fortuitous event that the law defines as “forseen but unavoidable even with the exercise of diligence of a good father of the family.” Like somehow, I’m not supposed to finish this race.
But I grew strong And I learned how to get along…


Face your fear. Maybe I’m meant to lose this game. Maybe this is not the battle I’m meant to win, not the ipis I’m meant to kill. So until I find what’s meant for me and the universe conspires to help me attain that goal, I have to go through quicksand again, attempt to kill another flying ipis, find another way to escape from the cage and hear Mr. Smith say that it’s the sound of inevitability with the hope that the inevitable is a happy ending.



Oh no not I...I will survive As long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive…


Fear is a friend. It will help you find your destiny.
What are you afraid of?







-submitted to www.peyups.com

Reminiscing the Lib Affair (para sa Kenshin ng buhay ko)

(submitted to www.peyups.com)

Una kitang nakita sa library. No wonder regular na third year law student ka. Sa library ka na naka-tira eh. Ikaw na ata ang nagbubukas at nagsasara ng lib. Kung dun ka nakatira, pwes, simula midterms, live-in na tayo dun.

Ang gwapo mo kaya lang kulang ka sa height. Hindi ka kasi naglulunch kaya hindi ka na tumangkad. Tumayo ka naman at pumunta sa canteen saglit. O gusto mo, dalhan kita ng pagkain? Kaya ko namang itakas yun eh. Pag nahuli ako, kaya ko rin namang bolahin yung librarian para payagan na ipasok ko yung hotshots sa library.

Lumipas na ang midterms at kahit walang exam, sa library na ako nag-aaral. Ikaw lang ang lalaking naging magandang impluwensya sa pag-aaral ko. Alam mo bang ikaw lang ang dahilan bakit ako natutong maglibrary? Akala ko noon pag more than two hours akong nagstay sa library, mamamatay ako. Ang nakakatawa pa, pag wala ka dun, hindi ako nakakapag-aral. Hinahanap lang kita, mababali na ata ang leeg ko sa kalilingon kung saan ka nakaupo. Pag nasa library ka naman, okay na ako. Malakas ang loob kong mag-aral kasi alam kong malapit ka lang. Para bang may sense of security pag nandun ka. Kakaiba ka alam mo ba yun? Kaya lang ang torpe mo. Gwapo ka nga (kahit kapos sa height), sobrang talino, maganda boses, magaling sa recitations, masipag, mayaman... bakit ka torpe?

Alam mo na ngang crush na crush kita. Hello? Ilang beses mo na ba akong nahuhuling nakatingin sa iyo? Feeling ko nga naikukwento mo ako sa best friend mong bakulaw kasi pati siya tumitingin na rin sa akin. Nai-imagine ko na ang sinasabi mo: "Pare, yung irreg na second year na yun, may crush ata sa kin." Alam mo bang nakakahiyang malaman mo na irreg ako kasi pag tinabi ako sa iyo, walang kwenta na naretain ako sa law school, walang kwenta na hindi ako nabokya sa recitation... kapag nakikita kita, nanliliit ako parang virus na sobrang bobo. Ang taas kasi ng tingin ko sa iyo (kahit magka-height lang tayo... hehehe).

Nahuhuli na rin kitang nakatitig sa akin. Yung tipong nakakatakot na titig kasi hindi ko alam kung gusto mo rin ako o kung nagfi-feeling ka lang kasi bukong buko mo na ako. Nung isang araw lang, nakasalubong kita sa may hagdan. Papunta akong library kasi may naiwan kami doon. Ikaw naman, pupunta ka na sa classroom mo kasi may exam ka pa sa CivPro. Nagkatitigan nanaman tayo for about five seconds. Parang tumigil ang buong mundo ko. Nagulat lang ako at nung medyo napagtanto natin na late ka na sa exam, bumaba ka na at pumasok na kami ng classmate ko sa lib. Tulala ako for fifteen whole minutes, sabi nung classmate ko. "Hoy, magreact ka naman!" sabi niya sa akin. Ang reaction ko lang, "Ha?" Ganun ang effect mo sa akin. Maganda, nakakakilig.

Tumigil na akong maniwala sa soulmate, at MFEO... pero tuwing nakikita kita napapaisip ako... maybe you're my "match," sabi nga sa Ever After. Kasi tuwing naiisip ko noon, pag nakita ko ang soulmate ko, titigil ang mundo kapag nagkatinginan kami sa mata. Tumigil nga ang mundo ko nang makita kita.

Patapos na ang sem. Hindi ko alam kung pababalikin pa ako sa law school next sem dahil baka ibagsak ko yung subject na tine-take 2 ko. School policy: you fail twice, you are the weakest link. Goodbye. Hindi man lang kita nakausap kahit yung excuse me lang.

Ang legal term sa live-in is a common law marriage. It either ends up in a legal marriage or no marriage at all. Saan kaya magtatapos yung common-law relationship natin sa library? Makapunta na ngang law library nang malaman ko. Sana nandun ka para makapag-aral ako. Sige ka, pag bumagsak ako, kasalanan mo. Wala ka kasi doon.

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Author's Note:I am fully aware na pag bumagsak ako, hindi niya talaga kasalanan pero kelangan ko lang siya mabigyan ng character flaw to prove he's only human. I have not found one yet kaya I created one instead. When I find one, I'll be the first to let you know.

Update:

I didn't fail that subject. Come to think of it, I never failed a subject in all the time we were at the library together.

The last time I saw him was half a year ago. The affair lasted for three years. He has moved out since and I have held on, waiting for the moment when I'm ready to let go.