My Bucket List

In four days, I have...

conquered my fear of heights...

explored the deep sea...

...and found an island of our own

who would have thought that one day, 

we'd take time to stop hitting each other and grow up?

Song of the Day: Free Falling (by Tom Petty)

Gonna free fall out into nothing

Gonna leave this world for a while

And I'm free...

Free falling

breaking point

every person, no matter how patient or charming, has his or her limit.
i have almost reached mine.
stretch me a little more and i will reach a point
where all the kings horses and all the kings men,
all the forces of nature and higher powers
will never be able to put humpty dumpty back together again.

Song of the Day: Listen (by Collective Soul)

You crucify all honesty

No signs you see do you believe

And all your words just twist and turn

Reviving just to crash and burn

You're fighting till the bitter end

If only your heart could open up

And listen

a fourth grader's word of the day

my nephew was asking for help on his english homework. he had to write a dialogue using intransitive verbs. here is part of his homework:

NICO: She writes fluently in English.

then, my nephew asked me what "fluently" meant. we checked the dictionary and came up with "effortlessly." my brother then made a suggestion:

KYLE: if you like my aunt's writing, then you should see my uncle. he dances fluently in spanish.

when my nephew was picked up by my aunt, she asked him "did you get your homework done?"
he replied, "fluently."

Song of the Day: Effortlessly (by Sister Hazel)

It shouldn't be so hard just to be effortlessly

Weightless worries fall away

Wasted pools of energy

family reunion 101

I have a new rule for moments of family rejoicing. I know my relatives mean well but I'm getting too tired of the question:

Thou shall not ask if I have a boyfriend...
unless you have someone to offer that I can't refuse.

Song of the Day: Good Intentions (by Toad the Wet Sprocket)
I'm not afraid things won't get better
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer

walk in fields of gold

Song of the Day: Fields of Gold by Sting

Many years have passed since those summer days

Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in the fields of gold

Genoveva Magpantay Cuevas

She always had a smile ready for everyone and a voice that boomed with happiness.

She was and is loved by many. She will always be remembered.

We miss you, Ate Jhennie.

woman in chains

I hate the feeling of helplessness:
When I know that whatever I do will never be enough because it's out of my hands
When I know that I can never change things alone but nobody else has the courage or capacity to help
When I know all I can do is wait and nothing I say will change things
When I know that I am but one voice unheard.
When all I can do is watch somebody slip away.

SONG OF THE DAY: Woman In Chains (Tears for Fears)
Well, I feel lying and waiting is a poor man's deal
And I feel hopelessly weighed down by your eyes of steel
Well, It's a world gone crazy keeps woman in chains

One Crazy Road Trip

Obviously, my brother has great love for Ninoy and Cory. Can't blame him.

through the eyes of a child...

As a child,I can help preserve the environment by putting signs at the forest and jungles that says "Pls. do not cut trees" so the trees of the environment will be safe.

As a child, I can help preserve the environment by putting small fences around some flowers in the city so people will not step on the flowers.

As a child, I can help preserve the environment by building some small houses in our backyard so every animal that has a wound can go to the houses and I will help them cure their wounds and free them when they are already cured.

As a child, I can help preserve the environment by cleaning the outdoors so it will not be dirty and every living thing that lives outdoors will not get sick.

As a child,I can help preserve the environment by helping the animals find and build their houses in safe places so that their family won't get harmed.

As a child, I can help preserve th environment by planting plants such as flowers, fruit trees, and many more so the environment will be complete.

By Toni Camatog (writer, artist, poptart dealer and most importantly, a child)

Almost made it...

Too bad, Ate Paulynne's essay didn't make the folio deadline. But I now understand the stress my mom goes through everyday.


Luci once said, "Parenting is not for the weak hearted."

I did not give the statement much thought at the time. I always figured that having a child is a choice and, similar to most decisions, couples think long and hard before choosing to saddle themselves with the responsibility of raising a kid. Despite the commitment though seeing another human being through childhood, adolescence and adulthood is no easy task. Providing for them (i.e., food, clothing, shelter, medical attention and education) is one thing but keeping them safe from the world and from themselves is another.

A child, I realize, is inherently self-destructive. They fall down stairs, eat poisonous stuff, burn themselves, etc. If a parent is lucky, the child learns quickly to be careful when going up or down a flight of stairs, not put unfamailiar things inside his/her mouth and leave fire alone. But most children will commit the same mistakes over and over again. I guess they are experimenting - maybe the outcome will be different the third, the fourth time around. Who knows? Maybe they are scientists by nature. I am sure, however, that a parent who is intent on keeping his/her child out of harm's way will have to be ever vigilant.

I can only imagine the constant fear that resides within each parent's heart. Maybe it accounts for why some are perceived to be unnecessarily strict or harsh. They want their children safe. Why they opt to make decisions for their children. Mistakes are painful. What parent would stand idly by while their kid gets hurt?

In the meantime, a parent has to satisfy the demands of the world as well. Clothes have to be washed. Work, sometimes, taken home to meet deadlines. And, yes, some entertainment is needed to keep one sane.

Why choose to go through all of this? The literature on the subject proposes that children are assets, security for the future and a way by which one can achieve immortality. Maybe so. For me? Children are the ultimate manifestation of one's faith and hope. God will provide. God will look after these precious ones when parents are limited by their own mortality. The world, despite political, economic and social concerns, would continue to provide for its population's needs.

Thus, allow me to augment Auntie Luci's observation, "Parenting is for the optimistic."

a magninang bonding session

a couple of hours with the most mature eight year old on the face of the earth






wishing all kids were this fun to be with...

twenty-five-year gap

twenty-five years between us
no, she's not my daughter. it's just that all babies look alike.
i'm her godmother. (cue opening music from The Godfather)

Once Upon A Sparkling Christmas

Once upon a time there was a law student who was very very tired of her monotonous life...Until one December morning, she was got on what she thought was an ordinary train

That took her to a place where she saw a giant mouse...


... sparkling princess sculptures...

... space rangers...

...and the hottest version of Tarzan she's ever seen.

After getting "princessized," we will never be the same again.

spring cleaning in november

I found a lot of things while cleaning up...

Mommy and Me... vogue-ing at an early age

The beginnings of a genius =P

And the basket case I've become.

One day of pure bliss

Every morning...

Mamay: Sino ga ere? (with the Batangueñong punto)
Nikki: Si Nikki po, apo ng Ellen.

Mamay: Ah, yung di sumasagot ng tanong hanggang hindi Inggles? Bakit nagtatagalog ka na? Naku, apo, wag na wag kang maga-abogado. Itinatama nila ang mali at minamali ang tama!

Believe me, Mamay, I listened. I did. I'll try my best not to prove you right.

At the other side lies another place I used to call home.

Reunited with Baby Morgan


Yes, Batangas. I promise, I will go back.

These Days

(submitted to www.peyups.com)

There are days when everything seems like a nightmare… the sleepless nights, the days that drag on and the tears. There are days when it seems like nothing happened, nothing was lost, nothing changed. I would pretend that you’re away on vacation in some exotic place and you’ll be back in a couple of weeks. It’s been a while since I felt the pain.

Sorry I never told you all I wanted to say
Now it’s too late to hold you cause you’re far away

Then there are days like today. These are the days that reality hits me and denial is pushed aside. These are the days that I feel as if you just left yesterday. They say time heals all wounds. It’s not true. I was listening to the radio and I heard the DJ read a quote from someone: Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just soothes the pain. I’m living proof of that. Time does not make you forget the tears, the laughter and the memories. If anything, it just gives way to more tears, more laughter and more memories… a greater possibility for pain.

Never have I imagined living without your smile…

It’s hard to think of a time that you have not been in my life. Even as a baby, you have witnessed the very first time I opened my eyes, my first smile, my first loud burp. You were there to see me take my first step, say my first word and saw me off on my first day of school. You helped me up when I tumbled down the stairs when I was seven and defended me from my father’s belt even if you knew that I probably deserved to be punished.

You picked me up everyday from ballet school and took me to Mc Donald’s where you would be brutally honest with me and told me I had two left feet. You made my costumes for United Nations Day, attaching your pretty little pillow to your favorite blue silk robe because I wanted to dress up as a Japanese in fifth grade. You took time to make me stuffed animals and organize my things for me. I think your obsessive-compulsive streak rubbed off on me. You spoiled me in every way you can… but I treated you badly for many years, thinking you were probably the worst person in the house because you made sure I was grounded and stayed that way when I was incorrigible. I never appreciated the fact that you combed through practically every toy store in the state of California just to get me that Barbie Dream House for Christmas.

We would play Scrabble on hot summer days and you let me win a couple of times and laugh when I tried to cheat. You called me everyday when I was on a field trip to Sagada just to make sure that I was okay. You went all the way to UPLB for my graduation ceremony. You were even more excited than I was when I got into law school. You promised me you’d go to my graduation. You promised you’d have a banner for me when I take the bar exams. You promised a lot of things. But then, I did too.

Whenever I had a problem, I didn’t need to say anything. You knew just what to do. You would comfort me when I was in despair, make me laugh when I needed cheering up and helped me up when I fell down. You made up for the fact that my dad was never really a father. You were a second mother… almost.

Although, the sun will never shine,

I will always look to a brighter day…

These are the days when I feel like it just happened hours ago… the wounds hurt, although not opened. According to a Discovery Channel special, this kind of pain is chronic… the wounds have closed but it still hurts from time to time. I find myself choking back tears and wonder how things would be if you were still here. I find myself asking, Why you? Why now? And I regret a lot of things.

These are the days that I regret that I never said thank you. Thank you for being such a wonderful person. You had your faults but you made up for it by the love that you gave us. You were the link that kept the family together. Thank you for allowing me to think for myself, for teaching me to face the consequences of my actions, for letting me know that nothing is impossible. Thank you for loving me to death.

These are the days I never said I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I never told you a lot of things. I’m sorry I took you for granted, thinking you’d always be here. I’m sorry I swore I never wanted to see you again. I didn’t mean it, you have to know that. Oh god, I miss you so much… I can feel my heart breaking I’m sorry I never told you I love you… until now. These are the days when I find myself crying in the middle of doing my homework or while watching TV. I find myself almost picking up the phone and dialing your number just to talk to you and tell you how depressed I am. Then I remember, you’re not there anymore.

Lord I know, when I lay me down to sleep, you will always listen as I pray…

These are the days I pray to God and thinking of making a deal with Him that I would give anything to have you back but I know you wouldn’t let me. I can almost hear you saying, “It’s my time to go. Stop crying na and have fun. Mag-jacket ka nga, malamig na. Baka magkasipon ka.” Malamig na nga. Lalong malamig kasi wala ka na. May sipon na ako. Kasi I cry a lot on days like these.

I know you’re shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day…

My Real Soul Mates

It's always been like this. I set myself up for a big disappointment. I guess I'm getting kind of used to it. With every crush, affair, relationship I have, I end up losing something, a part of my romantic side I guess. I believe less in love stories and my idea that there are no romantic soulmates out there is reinforced.

But there is one thing I continue to believe in: that although other people will let me down, my friends never will.

Threz, my relatives who I have come to consider as my confidantes. They know my every bad habit, good habit and everything in between. I will never forget our summers in Las Piñas and Cuenca. They have thrown me the best surprise birthday party I can remember, food fights, music and yes, our As. Over the years, we've had our ups and downs but somehow, we found a way to be there for each other. Thing have changed for all of us, we've been separated by the International Date Line and the Atlantic Ocean but somehow, to quote Michael Corleone from The Godfather movies "They pull me back in." I will always keep the letters written in cardboard, toilet paper, stationery and even cigarette packages that have been clandestinely delivered to each other. I will also cherish the late night conference calls and constant taunting and looking out the window with a faraway look in our eyes, thinking of cavemen. I will always find myself singing "Jingle bells, jingle bells it's Christmas time in the city..." in the middle of May and will abuse my vocal chords by reaching the highest notes of the Les Miserables soundtrack. I will look forward to the day that we will laugh at the times that our screams reached the other end of the solar system.

Kahit na anong mangyari, kahit na saan ka man patungo.

The Toxic Nips, who have been there with me during the toughest times of my life, going through adolescence with me. They have gone through the rebellious stage, teeny-bopper stage (well most of them) and the toughest Article 36 days with me. I could never have made it through high school without you. You gave me something to go home to every weekend when I was in college and now, I have a date to look forward to at least once a year. Even though we only have one barkada picture, that one picture holds a lot of memories.

Don't even have pictures, just memories to hold.

Grow sweeter each season as we slowly grow old.

My college blocmates, the future founding members of the EENG Law Offices, and SocioSoc. These people literally gave me a life back in college. While the Toxic Nips gave me something to go home to, you gave me something to look forward to whenever I went back to Los Baños. You have given me survival skills, boosted my self-confidence, showed me how to deal with all kinds of people and professors. You taught me to think outside the box and prepared me for law school in ways I could never imagine. We shared our dreams over bottles of alcohol and somehow we could solve the world's problems when we were drunk. I still have the Fundador bottle from one of our final rites. That bottle holds a message for me. There are others out there who share my dreams of turning this world into a better place for future generations.

But it's always you I run home to... take me home back to where I am free

My Poor People (you know who you are), law school was an adventure because of you. Although I got left behind, you're standing there in the finish line, cheering me on. You kept me grounded and always knew how to make me laugh. You made law school bearable when I couldn't see the point of going on. We shared the tears, laughter and craziness. Thank you for your patience and the company. I miss the library sessions, sneaking in Hot Shots and tikoy, movie dates in the middle of the week, study sessions in the field and in our kuta and classroom hopping. I look forward to September every year for our traditional night of good food, good music and good company.

Salamat, at may gabing nakalaan sa konting kasiyahan.

The June 21 Club, through all the silent dinners, races to the bathroom, torta days, ninja moves and threats of adoption. You have given a whole new meaning to "There's no place like home." I am happy and proud to call you family.

I'll be alright as long as it matters

As long as you're here with me now

Of course, who would forget the Garfield Group and Friends. The people at the far side of the Law Lecture Room where the food flows endlessly and the laughter is constant. Where you would hear the other people singing Hiram or Part of Your World from the other side and laugh silently without anyone noticing. The Garfield Group, who stand by each other through embarrassing recitations, pink tops and ten-foot high cases. According to Pambie, between our seats, there are no spaces.

You were there when I needed you.

You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open.

These people are my soul mates. We're interested in the same things, we enjoy each others' company, we speak the same language and Fate brought us all together and made our lives happier.

Kids Gone Wild

I'm sure there will come a time that the kids will regret they ever had these pictures taken.

Good morning, Kuya Ken (MawMaw)!!!

May ginagawang milagro... I wonder who's on diaper duty...

Cuckoo Kyle, Beehhh Zoe and Clueless Ken
This is what happens when Didays goes on diaper duty

Unti-unting nagmamana kay Ninong G.A.

See what I mean?

Baby Zoe with Tita Zeny, Ninang Gorgeous and Kuya Maw Maw

THE GODMOTHER

(Tababy-O Ken, Tababoy Kyle and Monay Zoe with Ninang Gorgeous)

Sabi ni Mommy...

I believe that Mother knows best... most of the time. This is one of those times.

I grew up hearing my mom talk about my grandmother's brothers and sisters. These people are not human. They don't study, rarely come to class and yet, they take home first prize, the gold medal or whatever the highest honors are. They bring a whole new meaning to the word "overachiever."

A classic story is that of Uncle Fidel, Ate Pau's dad (back when he was in third grade). He was called by his teacher to recite on something about the assignment and so he got out his notebook and read from it. When the teacher looked at the notebook, there was nothing written on it and Uncle Fidel was answering the homework questions on his own, no notes. Nothing.

Mom, according to my grandmother, always went home with honors. She would work hard and actually cry over homework. My uncle was another story. He wouldn't study, play basketball, pull pranks, not go to class and yet he would finish the term with honors. My mom said that Tito Arnold was the real genius and she, my mother, was just hardworking. It was a Castillo trait, according to her. Somehow, all our happy-go-lucky relatives-- the first-class pranksters-- were the geniuses. This is how I came to believe the truth in Aristotle's words... "No great genius ever existed without some touch of madness."

My high school English teacher once told my mom that I was smart, just too lazy. It was why I failed her class and had to take remedial Grammar (which I have to say was an experience I'll never forget). I never believed that... I always thought Miss Asa said that to comfort my mom, that she did not have a dunce for a daughter. My mom, on the other hand, thought I was too much like my uncles... all that mad brilliance bottled up inside.

I am ashamed to say I was the only one who failed the Civil Law Review prelims. I never thought that it would happen since I had a strong foundation in Persons and Family Relations (mag-RPL ka ba naman dun). Plus we got hold of a samplex. How could anybody fail? But I did. I studied for three days, looked at the samplex at the last minute and I failed miserably. I couldn't even muster the courage to tell my mom. I always picture how she looked like the time I told her I failed Crim 1. What more if I tell her that I might not graduate? I resolved to do everything I can so that moment won't come. But apparently, the universe was against me. I got swamped with a lot more homework, extra-curricular activities and what-have-yous that I didn't even have time to study until the night before the exam.

Come midterms, I was terrified that I would be the senior who would not graduate not because of Justice Fernandez or Dean Sundiang but because of CivRev 1, the easiest course during the first semester. But I didn't even finish reading the codal provisions on property. I went in blind, so to speak. All I knew was the law on builders on good faith and their rights. I didn't even remember the movable and immovable properties and I was relying on what I had learned back in second year (which wasn't much).

I got the results yesterday. I passed... with flying colors. I don't know how it happened but I did. I remembered what our driver/confidante said the day of the exam. He said I would pass because I didn't study. Even he noticed that pattern.

So I remembered my mom's stories about my uncles... how they wouldn't study and pass. No, I'm not going to stop studying. I still will but I've got to learn to take it easy, not let the pressure get to me. She always said to relax a little, find the balance between taking it easy and working when I need to. And for that, I thank her.

In Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, there was a line... "If you really want something, the universe will conspire in helping you achieve that dream." The universe did. It gave me my mom.

A breath of fresh air

It's been a while since we've had a baby around, and none of them were girls... I think I was the last baby girl around. You're one of the luckiest little girls ever born and let me tell you why.

You're surrounded by people who love you. You'll never be alone, believe me--not in this family. You'll always have someone to turn to. I'll always be there for you the way I'm always there for your kuyas. Your parents haven't asked me yet but I know that even if they don't I'll still be your Ninang... or at least you'd end up calling me that (makikigaya ka sa mga kuya mo). And true to the forgotten definition of a Ninang, you can always turn to me as another parent (only much more fun... hehe). I will be for you what my Ninangs have been for me. It will be that way even if I have my own children... I will make time for all of you.

You're the only baby girl in the house right now. And let me tell you from experience how much fun it is... You're going to be the center of attention. You're going to be everybody's favorite doll. And also, let me warn you about the disadvantages, little baby. Prepare those rosy cheeks for constant pinching. Prepare your whole body for the neverending cuddling up until the next baby comes. Prepare your ears for the baby talk. But don't worry, it's all done in good faith and it's really enjoyable... at least for us, the people who'd be doing the cuddling. You'll get more than a fair share of hugs and kisses. And they'll be overprotective of you. Plus the endless teasing when the boys start to line up at the doorstep. By the way, prepare to be drowned in dolls and stuffed toys. And remember, Ninang is always here to play with you. I'm willing to forget Poli, Crim and everything else for a couple of hours to spend time with you kids.

Of course, like any concerned adult, I come to you with warnings of the big bad world. Don't let all the attention get to your head. Not everybody in this world will welcome you with the same attitude, baby. And as you get older, you will get hurt. I can't protect you from everything and neither can your parents. As hard as your brothers may try, they can't anticipate each and every harmful thing that would come your way. But if you do get hurt (and I guarantee you that one way or another you will), learn from them. It's what makes us stronger. And know that you can always turn to your family for comfort. Learn from your mistakes, and learn from ours. Listen to other people and when you've exhausted all your remedies, call for help. Say the magic word and Ninang will be there for you... to help you with homework, introduce you to the world of chocolates and shopping, take you to movies and girls' days out (the way I take your brothers on "dates") and just to sit and talk.

Never fail to look at the brighter side of things. There's always light at the end of the tunnel and according to one of your kuya's favorite movies... we fall so we learn to pick ourselves up.

Welcome to the world, Zoe. You're truly a breath of fresh air.