panic attack

during the relapse of my battles in bed (no matter how much i want to sleep, i kept tossing and turning), i felt that the night was no longer cold and i had no need for a blanket. then it dawned on me, it was summer.

this is my last chance to turn my life around. i may not see my future but i've got a shot at controlling it.

a picture worth a thousand words (said and unsaid)

Mr. Mata: Wow, ansarap naman ng donut!
Chinggay: Uy, Mr. Uson, nagpapacute sa camera
Pambie: Mainggit kayo sa donut ko.

Kayo nang bahala mag-imbento ng kwento... a lot of people can assume a lot of things from one photo. Go on, assume.

LOOKING THROUGH THE DONUTS OF LOVE
title by Pambie, photo by Kaima
donuts from Krispy Kreme

Dean Sundiang: Ms. Espiritu, who owns the copyright?

idlip muna...

neither awake nor asleep
dwell somewhere in between

my drinking days are far behind me but we chose one night to relive it. i've gotten older and i have relatively lower tolerance for alcohol. but one thing never changed. i can never sleep it off.

a magninang bonding session

a couple of hours with the most mature eight year old on the face of the earth






wishing all kids were this fun to be with...

certified mama's boy next door

a song on a profile...

You taught me everything
And everything you've given me
I always keep it inside
You're the driving force in my life, yeah

There isn't anything
Or anyone that I can be
And it just wouldn't feel right
If I didn't have you by my side

You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were grey
Whenever I was down
You were always there to comfort me
And no one else can be what you have been to me
You will always be you always will be the girl
In my life for all times

Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul

You're always down for me
Have always been around for me even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong
Yes you did

And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on

There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me
And say to me I can face anything
And no one else can do
What you have done for me
You'll always be
You will always be the girl in my life

Never gonna go a day without you
Fills me up just thinking about you
I'd never go a day without my mama

malakas ang pang-amoy ng mga kaibigan ko. i will tolerate a first wife, illegitimate children but not nightmare of a mother-in-law. i can never compete with that.

The iPod Dilemma

It's becoming a yearly event:

I am a child of the 90's... the age of the portable CD player, beepers, filofax and post-it notes.

But like everyone else, I have allowed myself to sail with the tides of time. The beeper and the filofax have been rendered obsolete by the PDA phone... post-it notes to friends are now in the form of text messages. Pretty notebooks used as journals are now in the form of blogs. The walkman and portable CD player have been replaced by the MP3 player and of course, the i-Pod... which is the source of my panic right now.

I cannot study without music. My i-Pod and MP3 player, sadly, have replaced the volumes of journals that I have kept for the past ten years. I have chosen to express my feelings through the playlists. I have a playlist for Monday mornings, for the angry girl, for the broken hearted, for reminiscing, for studying and a playlist to listen to when I've had a bad day. Lending my i-Pod or MP3 player to someone would be like letting him or her read my journals-- minus the gory details of course. But the music would give him or her a feel of what my life is like.

So what happened? I was peacefully reading up on attorney-client privilege for my 7pm class when the computer flashes a message that an update is available for iTunes. Gullible as I was, I downloaded the update. So the download's done and it asks me to update my iPod. You can yell at me for not reading the instructions and simply clicking "YES" (stupid really). I did update the iPod and the next thing I know, the playlists... the songs... they were gone. My other form of journals- deleted just like that. Jeff Buckley, U2, Tonic and the other musicians who tell their stories along with mine poofed away with the click of the mouse button.

Yes, it's pathetic, I'm grieving the loss of songs which I can restore with the same click of the mouse that deleted them. But still... it's like cleaning your room and throwing out the dried up flowers that you so carefully kept between each page of your journal. People feel sentimental about dried petals and I feel the same about songs.

I feel a little weird because it's literally starting out with a clean slate... or player in this case. I can't help but feel a little sentimental because I erased my form of journal entries but then again, it's exciting in a good way, like starting a new school term or trying on new shoes...because I can start over-- with nothing holding me back (i.e. the warning that I've got only 556MB free space).

I believe things happen for a reason. I admit, the main reason for this deletion of songs is my stupidity but then, looking at it from another angle, maybe it's time to make way for something new. Leave my past behind and start looking forward to the future.

Walking is Good for the Heart (by Gmajor7)

from http://www.peyups.com/

"Maglalakad lang ba ulit tayo?" Tanong ko sa 'yo nung pauwi na tayo galing class.

"Oo naman," Naglalakad ka na bago ka magbigay ng sagot, kasunod ang walang kamatayan mong linya, "Walking is good for the heart."

Nagreklamo ako, "Nakakatamad!" Pero sumunod din naman ako sa paglakad mo.

"Alam mo, mas masaya maglakad."

"Sabi mo e."

"Hindi nga!" Ang tawa mo, "Una--"

Unahan na kita, "Walking is good for the heart?"

"O, yon."

"Ano pa?"

"Marami kang nakikita."

"At walang nakikita sa jeep?"

"Meron. Pero mabilis! Maraming bagay na hindi mo mapapansin."

"Halimbawa?"

"Halimbawa..." Tumingin ka sa paligid, sabay pulot ng isang tuyong dahon, "Dahon."

Inabot mo sakin ang dahon, tinanggap ko at tinapat ko sa mga mata mo, "Dahon?"

"Dahon," Tumango ka na parang napaka-obvious ng point mo, "Ang ganda diba?"

Tiningnan ko ang dahon, "Hinde."

"Ang KJ nito. Maganda siya, in its own way."

"ANG GANDAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

"Exag."

"Ang ganda!"

"Ayaaaaaaaaan..."

"O, dahon. Maganda. Tapos?"

"Walang dahon sa jeep."

"Meron!"

"Pupulot ka ba ng dahon sa jeep?"

"Hinde. Eh Ikaw lang naman ang kilala kong namumulot ng dahon e."

"Kaya nga."

"Ang labo mo."

"Malalaman mo bang namumulot ako ng dahon kung hindi tayo naglakad?"

"Hinde."

"Malalaman ko bang tumatanggap ka ng mga pinulot na dahon kung hindi tayo naglakad?"

"Hindi ren."

"Malalaman mo bang tumatanggap ka ng mga pinulot na dahon kung hindi tayo naglakad?"

"Lalong hinde."

"Kita mo na? Kaya mas masaya maglakad."

"Para makapamulot ng dahon?"

"Oo," Tumawa ka ng bahagya sabay ngiti sa'kin.

Bahay ko na, "Dito na 'ko."

"Next meeting ulit?"

"Mamumulot tayo ng dahon?"

"Hanggang sa makagawa tayo ng foliage."

Pinanood kita maglakad palayo saka tiningnan ang dahon na hawak ko pa rin hanggang doon.

Walking is good for the heart.