From the Sicilian by Mario Puzo

"To him, it was an act of submission that held the seed for a fatal treachery but in that moment, he felt what he had never felt before-- a suffusion in the body to kneel before another human being and swear yourself to an alien slavery."

As Mario Puzo described Turi Guiliano's experience of falling in love

The Significance of the Virgule (/)

Some people call it a slash but in grammar class, I learned that its formal name is a virgule.

A slash/virgule is used by people to signify an alternative answer. Alternative is defined as that may be chosen in place of something else (at least that's how the dictionary at home defines it). So if a note on your transcript says 6 units English/Filipino, it would mean that you can take either 6 units of English subjects or 6 units of Filipino subjects, right? At least for most people.

Apparently, for the people at the dean's office and the registrar's office, a virgule signifies the conjunction "and" when it could easily be misconstrued as "or."

This morning, I went to school to get my exam permit. So there I was thinking it would be a breeze then the accounting person says, "You have to see the registrar first." So I go and see the clerk who tells me I am deficient. No, not mentally deficient. I lack 6 units of Filipino subjects. What the *^&$#?!? I tried to explain that the slash/virgule could be easily misinterpreted as "or" and that they should have clarified it. And that the list of students and the subjects they lacked only stated that I needed 6 units worth of English subjects (which I finished two years ago I might add). But no... they said that I should know better because I'm already a third year law student. Then how come I've never even heard of this rule? How come I've heard all the rules, written and unwritten and the ways to get around them but not this one? I have received three warnings that I had to complete my deficiency in English subjects and I have even submitted a promissory letter to the registrar in 2004 that I will complete the deficiency in English units but they gave me no correction that I have to complete BOTH English and Filipino units. So I was bullied into signing another promissory note that I will take up the six units this summer or else I can't enroll next semester.

I have this crazy theory that this is all a scheme so that they'll have tons of students who'll have to take the units this summer which means tons of profits. But I promise, whatever happens I will choose the most obscure school over this institution this summer out of spite.

Now, all I have to do is to get this out of my system so I can finally study in peace. I still have an exam on Monday. Then maybe after that, I can shove that virgule up their a**es/bottoms.

Exclusive Schools: Like...Whatever!

(my first article submitted to www.peyups.com)

“Oh my God! As in? Promise? It’s like… so confusing ha!”

“I swear, he is like… the cutest guy ever. Totally!”

“You know what? Her outfit is so baduy ha! It’s so last season!”

“Are you kidding me? I’m totally not going there! It’s so kadiri!”

“Those girls from that school are so unbelievably… oh gosh, (sabay roll the eyes then taas ng perfectly plucked or shaved kilay) like… they’re so duh!”

These are the words spoken in high pitched voices that we laugh at every time someone says them. All I can say is I used to speak that way. And sometimes, I revert into that dark side of mine para lang mang-inis ng tao.

Nakakapagtaka bakit natin pinagtatawanan ang mga taong ganito and why we always attribute these words to girls who came from exclusive schools, which I will not name for fear that someone might get offended. At hipokrita ako kapag sinabi kong hindi ako nagsalita ng ganito eh majority ng twenty-four years na namalagi ako sa mundong ito, sa all-girls’ school ako nanggaling. Apat na bagay lang ang pumapasok sa utak ng tao kapag sinabing exclusive school for girls: (1) maarte, (2) may kaaway na ibang girls’ school (na hindi natin alam kung saan talaga nagsimula), (3) hindi siya nakakuha ng virginity award nung graduation, OR (4) lesbian. Hindi lahat ng taga-exclusive school nasa isa sa mga categories na iyan habang buhay. That’s all a part of a phase that adolescent girls in such an environment go through.
I’m not trying to justify why girls from these schools are like that and I am not making fun of them… not now anyway. May mga panahon na nang-aasar lang ako ng tao dahil pag nalaman nila saan ako nag-high school, bigla akong babanatan ng mga salitang panimula ko sa article na ‘to. O, eh di ibigay kung anong ine-expect nila tapos pag dating sa acads, mapapa-wow nalang sila kasi pag dating ng recitation, biglang nawala yung slang. Or ma-shock sila kasi mas malutong pa ako sa chicharon magsabi ng mmmm…ina mo.(baka ma-censor)

Nasabi ko na kanina, galing ako sa exclusive school at natuto lang ako magsalita ng normal nung nag-college ako (kasi naman po, pag nagsalita ako ng ganun sa UP, malamang, na- KABLAM na ako di ba?). Naalala niyo yung “Legally Blonde” and how they were biased against her just because she was blonde? I think that the same thing is happening here: that we label people just because they came from exclusive schools. Affected pa ako nung college, lalo na nung sumali ako ng org kasi kapag tinatanong ako tuwing reporting at sasagot ako ng matino, inaartehan na nila yung pagsasalita nila… for the lack of a better way to express it… “kasi it’s like they were mocking me na.”

I’m already a law student and at this level, akala ko limot na yung labeling phase and people would be more mature so as not to judge by the schools. Eh kung yung “war” between exclusive girls’ schools nga hinayaan ko na (funny, my closest friends from college and in law school are from other girls’ schools), yung labeling pa? May classmate ako nung first year na loyalty awardee na ng isang exclusive girls’ school (kung may law nga lang daw dun, dun na rin siya nag-law eh). When a guy in our class found out where she was from, sabi nung guy, “Di ba lahat ng taga-_______ pok-pok?” What the *@#%? Leche, o ayun, nasampal siya nung friend ko! At hindi na ulit nagtangkang mag-comment ng ganun yung guy kasi baka hindi lang sampal ang abutin niya sakin pag may sinabi siyang similar comment sa akin. Baka makabalita nalang kayo ng law student na pinatay ng kaklase…

ANYHOO…

My point is: let’s not judge people because they went to a certain school or spoke in a certain manner. Hindi naman yun ang talagang nagpapakita kung sino sila hindi ba? It’s how they adjusted to that kind of environment that shaped the kind of people they are now. Bata pa lang tayo, tinuruan na tayo “not to judge a book by it’s cover.” Let me rephrase that to suit the situation: Do not judge a person by the school he or she went to. Anong magiging feeling niyo kapag kayo yung binigyan ng comment na kagaya nung binigay nung classmate ko? Kunyari makarinig kayo ng comment na “Ah, yung _________ (whatever school you went to, my dear reader)? Hindi ba bagsakan ng bagsak yan? Tingnan natin hindi kayo makasapak ng tao.

Para naman dun sa mga taong na-mention ko sa article na ito, specifically those from exclusive girls’ schools, sisterettes, ipakita ninyo na hindi lahat babaeng galing sa mga paaralan natin ay gaya ng sinasabi ng ibang makikitid ang utak. Patunayan natin na hindi lahat ng taga-all girls’ schools ay kaartehan lang ang alam. May ibubuga din naman tayo pag dating sa acads ha. Marami tayong pwedeng magawa para sa lipunan. Kaya lang sabi nila: “When a man speaks up, everybody listens. When a woman speaks up, people look at the packaging and if they like what they see, they listen.” I’m not sure if it’s true pero narinig siguro yung ng mga madreng nagpapalakad ng mga eskwelahan natin kaya naisip nila na plus points din yung magandang packaging kaya tayo binigyan ng kikay classes. It may sound biased pero I think that was supposed to be an eye-opener on how women are still discriminated against by some people… except that the nuns did not expect that their plan would backfire and some students would concentrate on the kikay stuff instead of acads. Yung Dalagang Pilipina program nila ay unti-unting nawala sa curriculum dahil na-misinterpret ito ng ibang estudyante bilang “how-to-make-paligaw class that later became “how-to-make-ligaw-a-guy” class. Once again, I emphasize the words SOME students.

So, next time na makarinig kayo ng “Let’s make tusok-tusok the fishball,” don’t judge at once. Get to know the person first and then you have the right to comment na maarte, coño, malandi o okay lang pala. Hindi niyo alam, baka kagaya kong lokang nang-gagago yung nakakausap niyong taga-girls’ school, leading you on na brainless bimbo siya tapos mapapa-wow nalang kayo sa performance niya sa class or sa pagiging jologs niya (there is a jologs hiding in every one of us). I’d like to emphasize para mag-stick sa utak ng nagbabasa: DO NOT GO BY FIRST IMPRESSIONS, BECAUSE THEY ARE OFTEN WRONG. I swear, as in.

Grammatical Horrors

I live in a world where grammar is everything. I'm sorry but I do. Probably because I'm obsessive compulsive or a perfectionist that I feel everything has to be right... even grammar. It's an atrocity to read a paragraph full of grammatical errors beyond your wildest imagination. When I was a kid, my grandmother required me to speak English wherever I went so that I wouldn't be able to commit the same grammatical mistakes she did. My family sent me to the best schools and according to my uncle, my ability to communicate in the English language (sad to say, I'm better in English than in Filipino) will be a lot of help when I take the bar exams. Even if I am better in communicating in English, I know the basic Filipino rules on grammar and spelling. I'm careful to follow the few grammatical rules I remember from high school (thank you, Ginang De Vera, wherever you may be). Yes, I make mistakes too but they're never intentional. So you could imagine my shock and horror in reading a funny email from my cousin about how people fill out their friendster profiles.

Let me give you an example. And I quote:

Hometown: nAVOetAst
About Me: aqOuh?? .. cHimPle LAng.. bUT cAn maKE yUr hEAd tURn ,, *HoTcHiC**sEXy dAw..cHAvii nG mGAh fWEnDz qEw .. sVi qEw nAMn.. mAdAnDa aqEw.. maArTE?/..sObra ** hiHi.. nDi mHEii mAarTE.. kAla nYOuh lAng yUn,, kSHi cHigURo .. yU fOUnd mE.. wEAriNg uNiqUe eAriNgs..USing mAkEuP.. oWeYs lOoKing mY fACe in tHE mirror.. mAarTE bAh yUN?
who i want to meet: "xA aCcoUnt qEw..kHit cHiNU pwEde.. kHit ikA'y mUkhang.. tAtaNgAPEn kiTAh bsTAh bAH TEZti cOUh aAhh"

End quote.

Now, tell me you liked reading that. Tell me your eyes didn't come this close (this is the part where I hold my thumb and forefinger so close together) to bleeding and popping out. My English grammar and Filipino teachers would have strokes just reading that.
I blame text messaging for the decline in... our literacy rate in terms of grammar. And rap songs. I just get so irked reading paragraphs written in text linggo... come on, people! You don't have to press the same button five times to get to a specific letter. There it is, the whole alphabet laid down before you. And I don't think that you have to limit your paragraphs to a hundred and sixty letters so the shortcuts for words are not necessary. If you say that friendster has only so much space for the items, then quit inserting the H's and the pa-cute language. You think we enjoy seeing that? Instead of inserting unnecessary letters, why not spell other words fully and correctly? I admit, again, I make mistakes in grammar but the key element here is intent. They do this on purpose. Why? Why? What higher purpose would it serve?

I had a Norwegian friend who told me that she found Filipinos interesting... especially the fact that we could speak and write in English better than most Americans. That was ten years ago, before text messaging. I wonder what she'll say now if I forward my cousin's funny friendster stuff email to her.

The Americans, according to one of my favorite professors, bastardized the English language with their pronunciation and accent and slang. So if American English is the bastardized version... I think that these text-linggo addicts are responsible for a massacre-- or at least a double murder. The English language isn't their only victim here... they're also murdering our own language. I think that's the bigger crime.

Dahil Pangit Daw Ako

(submitted to Peyups.com as batgirl95)
"Don’t just fall into playing a role.”x x x“Some people always have to be doing battle with someone, sometimes even with themselves, battling with their own lives. So they begin to create a kind of play in their head, and they write the script based on their frustrations.”
x x x
“But the worst part is that they cannot present the play by themselves. So they begin to invite other actors to join in.”
-excerpt from “By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept”

I had an epiphany—sort of. More like old information, an old belief I had which I sadly thought was rendered obsolete by the new millennium. Nobody is unpretty.

It started simply enough. Last night, I asked my youngest brother where I should spend a part of my Christmas money: upgrading my laptop (which is ancient) or a day of pampering at a spa or salon. His reply: “Dun ka na sa upgrade ng laptop mo. Mas may sense na gastusan yun. Kahit naman anong gawin mo, pangit ka pa rin.” Blame it on PMS, singlehood, hypersensitivity, stress or the pure feeling that it was below the belt, I took offense. I wasn’t what he said but rather how he said it. I mean, my cousin calls me "pangit" all the time but I don’t take it to heart since it’s not said in a degrading manner… my other brother teases me about my lack of curves (particularly the booty area) and I know it’s a joke. I know I'm not pangit-- in fact, more than five people (not in any way related to me by blood) have called me pretty without a gun pointed to their heads. So I gave it some thought and told myself that it was just that: a comment. It came from a sixteen year old kid with raging hormones who was locked up in a seminary his whole high school life and doesn’t think Catherine Zeta-Jones is the least bit pretty. It shouldn’t matter. But it does. Because I don’t ever want to be like him. Was I ever like him?

I looked back at my days when I was sixteen, thinking that maybe I forgot what it was like to be a teen-ager kaya ako na-offend. But then, I remember what it was like for me and I never called anyone outright ugly... I used euphemisms to avoid offending anyone. I was tactful. So I decided my brother probably has issues... insecurities that he's channeling his negative energy to those around him. Crab mentality: bring others down to make yourself feel better.

I woke up this morning with a thousand comebacks in my head… things I should’ve said last night like:
1. Sabihin mo yan pag ikaw na ang pinakagwapong nilalang sa mundo. Kaya lang baka hindi mo na masabi… baka di mo ma-gets: hindi ka magiging gwapo.
2. Kung pangit ako, pangit ka din kasi isa lang ang pinanggalingan natin.
3. Buti nang pangit na tao kaysa anak nung dating aso natin… gaya mo… nuninuninu

But if I said any of these things, would it matter? I would still be offended, I would sink down to his level and I won’t be a better person. I would be “falling into a role.” Again, to quote Paulo Coelho, “Be careful. When you join in that game, you always wind up losing.” So instead, I used it as an inspiration for my New Year’s resolution: I will not let anyone fall into a role, any role.

I have probably offended people by my sarcasm the past year and I am sorry for that. I have resolved to keep the lambasting to a minimum. I had a realization: I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I have known, since I was five years old, that there’s something beautiful in every one of us, we just have to look a little closer. I took this knowledge for granted for the past few years and now, almost twenty-years later, it comes back to bite me in the a**.

The people I have made fun of (especially in school) for wearing zebra-like dresses or carrying evening bags in the daytime didn’t dress up to make others think they’re beautiful. It’s because they feel beautiful when they do. I guess it’s the same way I feel after a hot oil treatment or a manicure. And when you feel that you’re beautiful, there’s a feeling that anything’s possible.

I may disagree with you when you say that Britney Spears is the most beautiful creature that existed on this planet but I can't say there’s nothing nice about her. Maybe there is… I just have to take another look at her.

Nobody is unpretty. We are all, in one way or another, beautiful—zebra dress or glittery bags aside. If someone tells us we’re ugly, let’s not fall into that role. Let’s prove Durkheim’s labeling theory wrong. We are not who other people define us to be. It’s up to us to make our own definition of ourselves. And that is my New Year’s resolution: not to define others in any way… let them define themselves. And to take something negative and turn it into a positive.
Nobody is unpretty.

“We are beautiful, no matter what they say
And words can’t bring us down…
We are beautiful in every single way
And words won’t bring us down…”
-Beautiful by Christina Aguillera (can’t believe I’m quoting a Mickey Mouse Club member’s song!)

#######
Author's note: Sa aking minamahal na kapatid (insert sarcasm here), salamat at tinawag mo akong pangit. Nakapagsulat ako ulit at may New Year's Resolution pa ako. Now, I'm a better person... or at least, on my way there.

What Are You Afraid Of?

Fear is an ally. Make friends with fear from “A Time To Kill” by John Grisham


How do you make friends with fear? You face them. You have to do something that you’ve been terrified of doing with the faith that you will survive through the ordeal.


At first I was afraid I was petrified…


That brings us to figuring out the answer to the overrated question: What are you afraid of? In the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Eowyn (Miranda Otto) answered this question beautifully. “I fear neither death nor pain.” What did she fear? “A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them. And all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire.” As things go haywire, you try to run to prevent harm but all you can do is watch and accept the reality that somehow, the world is conspiring to keep you from doing anything to help. Like maybe you weren’t meant to win this battle.



Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves) had a good answer too in “The Replacements.” He said one word: Quicksand. He further explained that it was the feeling that everything was going your way and in a split second, everything goes wrong. Then you do everything you can to get back in the game but the more you struggle, the lower you sink until you can’t breathe. Quicksand. Like somehow, you weren’t meant to win this game.


A lot of my friends are afraid of the flying ipis… somehow you can’t kill it no matter how accurate your aim is. It goes on flying across the room and terrorizing you no matter how deadly your slipper is. It threatens to land on you as if it doesn’t matter that the whole house is reeking with the fatal smell of Baygon. Like somehow, this ipis is immortal… you were never meant to kill this ipis.



Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? It’s the sound of inevitability.” That is what I fear most… the inevitable and my own Agent (later on Mister) Smith saying, “Do you hear that? It’s the sound of inevitability.” My heart beats faster at the realization, my palms get sweaty and I get panic attacks because in the middle of the process of trying to salvage things, I hear the sound of inevitability. I hyperventilate as I try to do all I physically, mentally and emotionally can to prevent what I know is unavoidable—the kind of fortuitous event that the law defines as “forseen but unavoidable even with the exercise of diligence of a good father of the family.” Like somehow, I’m not supposed to finish this race.
But I grew strong And I learned how to get along…


Face your fear. Maybe I’m meant to lose this game. Maybe this is not the battle I’m meant to win, not the ipis I’m meant to kill. So until I find what’s meant for me and the universe conspires to help me attain that goal, I have to go through quicksand again, attempt to kill another flying ipis, find another way to escape from the cage and hear Mr. Smith say that it’s the sound of inevitability with the hope that the inevitable is a happy ending.



Oh no not I...I will survive As long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive…


Fear is a friend. It will help you find your destiny.
What are you afraid of?







-submitted to www.peyups.com

Reminiscing the Lib Affair (para sa Kenshin ng buhay ko)

(submitted to www.peyups.com)

Una kitang nakita sa library. No wonder regular na third year law student ka. Sa library ka na naka-tira eh. Ikaw na ata ang nagbubukas at nagsasara ng lib. Kung dun ka nakatira, pwes, simula midterms, live-in na tayo dun.

Ang gwapo mo kaya lang kulang ka sa height. Hindi ka kasi naglulunch kaya hindi ka na tumangkad. Tumayo ka naman at pumunta sa canteen saglit. O gusto mo, dalhan kita ng pagkain? Kaya ko namang itakas yun eh. Pag nahuli ako, kaya ko rin namang bolahin yung librarian para payagan na ipasok ko yung hotshots sa library.

Lumipas na ang midterms at kahit walang exam, sa library na ako nag-aaral. Ikaw lang ang lalaking naging magandang impluwensya sa pag-aaral ko. Alam mo bang ikaw lang ang dahilan bakit ako natutong maglibrary? Akala ko noon pag more than two hours akong nagstay sa library, mamamatay ako. Ang nakakatawa pa, pag wala ka dun, hindi ako nakakapag-aral. Hinahanap lang kita, mababali na ata ang leeg ko sa kalilingon kung saan ka nakaupo. Pag nasa library ka naman, okay na ako. Malakas ang loob kong mag-aral kasi alam kong malapit ka lang. Para bang may sense of security pag nandun ka. Kakaiba ka alam mo ba yun? Kaya lang ang torpe mo. Gwapo ka nga (kahit kapos sa height), sobrang talino, maganda boses, magaling sa recitations, masipag, mayaman... bakit ka torpe?

Alam mo na ngang crush na crush kita. Hello? Ilang beses mo na ba akong nahuhuling nakatingin sa iyo? Feeling ko nga naikukwento mo ako sa best friend mong bakulaw kasi pati siya tumitingin na rin sa akin. Nai-imagine ko na ang sinasabi mo: "Pare, yung irreg na second year na yun, may crush ata sa kin." Alam mo bang nakakahiyang malaman mo na irreg ako kasi pag tinabi ako sa iyo, walang kwenta na naretain ako sa law school, walang kwenta na hindi ako nabokya sa recitation... kapag nakikita kita, nanliliit ako parang virus na sobrang bobo. Ang taas kasi ng tingin ko sa iyo (kahit magka-height lang tayo... hehehe).

Nahuhuli na rin kitang nakatitig sa akin. Yung tipong nakakatakot na titig kasi hindi ko alam kung gusto mo rin ako o kung nagfi-feeling ka lang kasi bukong buko mo na ako. Nung isang araw lang, nakasalubong kita sa may hagdan. Papunta akong library kasi may naiwan kami doon. Ikaw naman, pupunta ka na sa classroom mo kasi may exam ka pa sa CivPro. Nagkatitigan nanaman tayo for about five seconds. Parang tumigil ang buong mundo ko. Nagulat lang ako at nung medyo napagtanto natin na late ka na sa exam, bumaba ka na at pumasok na kami ng classmate ko sa lib. Tulala ako for fifteen whole minutes, sabi nung classmate ko. "Hoy, magreact ka naman!" sabi niya sa akin. Ang reaction ko lang, "Ha?" Ganun ang effect mo sa akin. Maganda, nakakakilig.

Tumigil na akong maniwala sa soulmate, at MFEO... pero tuwing nakikita kita napapaisip ako... maybe you're my "match," sabi nga sa Ever After. Kasi tuwing naiisip ko noon, pag nakita ko ang soulmate ko, titigil ang mundo kapag nagkatinginan kami sa mata. Tumigil nga ang mundo ko nang makita kita.

Patapos na ang sem. Hindi ko alam kung pababalikin pa ako sa law school next sem dahil baka ibagsak ko yung subject na tine-take 2 ko. School policy: you fail twice, you are the weakest link. Goodbye. Hindi man lang kita nakausap kahit yung excuse me lang.

Ang legal term sa live-in is a common law marriage. It either ends up in a legal marriage or no marriage at all. Saan kaya magtatapos yung common-law relationship natin sa library? Makapunta na ngang law library nang malaman ko. Sana nandun ka para makapag-aral ako. Sige ka, pag bumagsak ako, kasalanan mo. Wala ka kasi doon.

#####

Author's Note:I am fully aware na pag bumagsak ako, hindi niya talaga kasalanan pero kelangan ko lang siya mabigyan ng character flaw to prove he's only human. I have not found one yet kaya I created one instead. When I find one, I'll be the first to let you know.

Update:

I didn't fail that subject. Come to think of it, I never failed a subject in all the time we were at the library together.

The last time I saw him was half a year ago. The affair lasted for three years. He has moved out since and I have held on, waiting for the moment when I'm ready to let go.