bill of particulars

And California seemed to draw you like a siren
From a postcard in a letter
Or a frame of film melting

i prayed for our happy ending.

i wasn't specific enough. all the signs pointed to him: the statue on a nightstand in jersey, the street we were looking for during a road trip, a wedding invitation to the city by the bay. i ignored them all and he found another on the east coast. i should have prayed for our happy ending... together.

Song of the Day: Under You (by Better Than Ezra)
You moved in slow degrees,
A sudden memory
You're a Leonard Cohen song
And every now and then I swear I'd see you standing
On a sidewalk, in a restaurant
In a taxi passing by

if you forget me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

- Pablo Neruda

restraining order

it's just perfect (insert sarcasm here). my internet connection stops going wonky long enough to rattle my nerves with an email and a friendster profile.

we should sign an agreement, i'll stay away from the city by the bay and he will not set foot on the city that never sleeps. it won't be forever, just until i exorcise the ghosts of lib affairs past... maybe after another three years.

deleting my friendster account proved to be a good move... i don't want us sharing the same networking site-- not now, at least.

Song of the Day: Here You Come Again (by Dolly Parton)
All you gotta do
Is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you
And in a little while
Youre messing up my mind
An filling up my senses

for the nth time

with only vague moments and stolen glances to hold on to, the sound of a nickname destroyed the wall i had so carefully built to block the memories.

there are signs that lead nowhere and yet say that the torture will never be over and i will always be haunted by the ghost of lib affairs past. and somehow, no amount of exorcism will drive them out.

at night, i ask the stars: do the ghosts visit my samurai when he listens to the same songs or does the san francisco chill shield him from the cold brought on by the hauntings?

Song of the Day: Love Remains The Same (by Gavin Rossdale)

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time, too long defending
You and I are done pretending
I never thought that
I had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far

il postino

in a scene from il postino, pablo neruda told mario (the postman) to walk by the bay , listen to the crashing waves and the metaphors will come naturally.

to watch the movie was like running in silver spring on a chilly autumn afternoon... exhilirating, exciting and magical.

I will forego my song of the day for a beloved Neruda verse:

Sonnet LXXXI (by Pablo Neruda)

You will go, we will go together, over the waters of time.
No one else will travel through the shadows with me,
only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moon.

in the mind of a genius

great minds are the least organized.

a realization from a glimpse of a powerful desk.

Song of the Day: A Day In The Life (by The Beatles)
Woke up, got out of bed
Dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup
And looking up, i noticed i was late

looking busy

i did not find the answer to my question in a book i used during the bar but i found an old joke appropriate to my current situation:

SURVIVAL TECHNIQUES FOR WORK

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do

Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either When you get caught by your boss-- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

Messy Desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

Look Impatient and Annoyed
Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

Appear to Work Late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooksthat you always wanted to read until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g; 9:35pm, 7:05 am, etc) and during public holidays.

coming home

today, i went back to the library i have been forced to love. the first thing i looked at was the table we used to occupy. it's hard to imagine that one year ago, we were there-- stressed and on the verge of breaking down. this year, there are others who face a future as bright as ours-- probably brighter.

this was home away from home. this is where i fell in and out of love, made friends, learned the tricks of sneaking food in, did the tequila dance, sang the cheeseburger song and highlighted many a paragraph. i knew i would always be welcome in the place where i could momentarily forget the gruelling traffic and fast-approaching self-imposed deadlines.

Song of the Day: Never Forget (by Take That)
We've come so far and we've reached so high
And we've looked each day and night in the eye
And we're still so young and we hope for more
But remember this
We're not invincible
We're only people
Hey we're not invincible
So again I'll tell you

Never forget where you've come here from
Never pretend that it's all real
Someday soon this will be someone else's dream

armageddon

when the likes of high school musical 3 and twilight are nominated for an award in the best movie category along with oscar nominees such as slumdog millionaire and the dark knight and by god, twilight actually won? it must be the end of an era. the teeny-boppers have taken over.

Song of the Day: It's The End Of The World (As We Know It)
Six o'clock - TV hour.
Don't get caught in foreign towers.
Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn.
Lock it in, uniforming, book burning, blood letting.
Every motive escalate.
Automotive incinerate.
Light a candle, light a motive.

for kaima

ayan, kaims, because i am procrastinating, i found your favorite line:

"People always say that change is a good thing, but what it really means is that something that you didn't want to happen, has happened."

Zuma at chicken invaders nalang tayo ulit. hehehehe

Song of the Day: When I Grow Up (by Garbage)

When I grow up 
I'll be stable 
When I grow up 
I'll turn the tables

Don't take offense
Better make amends 
Rip it all to shreds and let it go

movie of the week

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

- Kathleen Kelly (You've Got Mail)

I think it's both. I like it and there's a part of me that's not brave enough.

Song of the Day: Adrenaline (by Bush)

Point of no return 
See how the buildings burn 
Light up the night 
Such pretty sight 

Adrenaline keeps me in the game 
Adrenaline you don't even feel the pain 
Wilder than your wildest dreams 
When you're going to extremes 
It takes adrenaline