reliving a january night

it's been a while since i've had the twenty-peso feeling.
all i can do is smile
laugh at myself
and hope that it lasts this time.

Song of the Day: Walking on Sunshine (by Katrina and the Waves)
But I just can't spend my whole life just-a waiting for you
I don't want you back for the weekend, not back for a day
'Cause baby I just want you back and I want you to stay

The Colors of Shadows (by cerulean)

another article from www.peyups.com
I watched the light crawl up towards the shadows in my room, lending a sinister countenance to the trees outside the windows. The air was filtered with dust and grime exhausted by the cars that went right past the house. The humid atmosphere was filled with the hustle and bustle of people rushing home after a tiring day.

Despite the noise, I can only feel an acute sense of loneliness.

I could not fathom such longing for things to be different from the way they are. The dream to reach for what I always wanted escapes me time and again. I try to deny that I merely want and do not feel the aching need. But I am more deceptive with myself than with others. I immerse myself in chiaroscuros because I have never known any other way to relieve the silence haunting my soul.

He remains to be the reason for my dementia.

I see the expressionless eyes everyday in my mind. I dared to tread the footsteps that those eyes left behind. It’s a fruitless endeavor for our souls will never meet halfway. Though we reached a different kind of nirvana, a physical exorcism of what should not be, our shadows are too far apart to ever follow the same path, to ever share the same space and to ever share the same joys and pains. And knowing this, I die a little each and every day.

But still I stayed and waited for the crowd to fall silent, for them to stop the chaos wreaking havoc between us, for him to see through the glass wall separating us. I waited for the impossible. For the soul I sought will never find mine. He will never know that I lived under the shelter of shadows just like him, hiding the truth from the rest of the world. Those seemingly vacant eyes will never find out how much I understood his belief that colors are non-existent, just a void of gray shades. He will never realize that I saw colors only through him, every hue mocking me with its clarity and hitting me with a sharp emptiness because I have lost something that never found me.

He will never know that I made him the world.

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But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me
- Dashboard Confessional

Song of the Day: It's The Same Old Song (by Four Tops)

Precious memories keep a-lingering on
Everytime I hear our favorite song
Now you're gone
Left this emptiness
I only reminisce
The happiness we spent

chick flick

the only thing i hate about chick flicks is that they make me believe that happy endings are actually within reach, never mind that he's in the city by the bay. golden gate bridge has never seemed so far away.

Song of the Day: Doing Just Fine (by Boyz II Men)
And I'm doing just fine
Getting along very well without you in my life
I'm doing just fine
Time made me stronger, you're no longer on my mind.

*ang kanta ng sinungaling

things i'll always be grateful for

no matter how particularly bad the week has been, i always find ways to smile...

Song of the Day: Ever Ever After (by Carrie Underwood)
There is joy to be claimed in this world
You even might wind up being glad to be you

Ever ever after
Though the world will tell you it's not smart

Ever ever after
The world can be yours if you let your heart
Believe in ever after

taking the fall

it's a sad day when the little people are forced to take the blame for stupid things done by those in power.

Song of the Day: Scream (by Michael and Janet Jackson)
Peek in the shadow
Come into the light
You tell me I'm wrong
Then you better prove you're right
You're sellin' out souls but
I care about mine
I've got to get stronger
And I won't give up the fight

close encounters

i was never one to pull rank. but yesterday, i was forced to.

an alleged CIDG officer arrogantly showed me his id, asking for my driver's license and citing me for a traffic violation. my first question was: did he have authority to cite traffic violations? i would admit anything that i did wrong. i was straddling lanes. i almost hit him but any form of apology i contemplated upon left my lips when the man in pambahay clothes and on board a motorcycle flashed an id card with huge red letters declaring CIDG with the most arrogant look on his face. so what if he was CIDG? when it came to traffic violations, we were equals. he was going too fast in his motorcycle and i was straddling lanes.

he was CIDG, he said over and over. he kept flashing the id with the big red letters and asked for my driver's license, which i refused to hand over since i had confirmed he had no authority to do so... until a point where i couldn't take his arrogance anymore. i kept asking if he had authority to ask for my license and he insisted "CIDG na nga ang kausap mo," not answering my valid question. exasperated, i pulled out my driver's license, which incidentally had my IBP id with it. then, all the arrogance went away.

he went away as quick as he came. yet, i still tried to get his name, practically shouting "anong pangalan mo, irereport kita?"

it's sad when you have to resort to trump cards (or rather ID cards) to put people in their places. there has to be some way to stop abusing the power of the ID card.

Song of the Day: We Will Rock You (by Queen)
Buddy you're a young man, hard man
Shouting in the street gonna take on the world some day
You got blood on your face
You big disgrace
Waving your banner all over the place