things i will never run out of...

MUSICLAUGHTER

MAGIC

AND FRIENDS

Once Upon A Sparkling Christmas

Once upon a time there was a law student who was very very tired of her monotonous life...Until one December morning, she was got on what she thought was an ordinary train

That took her to a place where she saw a giant mouse...


... sparkling princess sculptures...

... space rangers...

...and the hottest version of Tarzan she's ever seen.

After getting "princessized," we will never be the same again.

Just for laughs

Para naman wag naming makalimutang tumawa...

Wherever I Lay My Hat, That's My Home by Paul Young


Don't Look Back In Anger by Oasis


And the finale, the mother of all karaoke for the deaf videos... Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

equally cursed and blessed

If all you've got to do today is find peace of mind
Come 'round, you can take a piece of mine...

I admire how musicians can come up with creative and catchy album titles. I could always relate to the songs, but rarely with the album titles. So you could imagine how I felt when I was organizing my iPod and saw the Catatonia album title "Equally Cursed and Blessed."

And if all you've got to do today is hesitate
Come here, you could leave it late with me...

I am unfortunate enough to be very punctual and excited when it came to enrollment so along with my friends, I was placed in the regular section of the 4th year-- 4S. At the start of the semester, we tried to think that maybe this was a blessing in disguise. We were forced to study since everyone around us seemed to excel academically and we had to keep up. Nakakahiya pag ikaw lang ang bokya. So we thought, we were lucky. And we had the presumption of regularity working in our favor.

You could be taking it easy on yourself
You should be making it easy on yourself...

Then, the second semester came crashing down on us. We were the only section to have recitations for RemRev... oh, closed books, no notes, just our smiles (to quote Sir Pabs). That was only on Mondays and Tuesdays. Wednesdays and Thursdays it was Commercial Law Review (with recitations) handled by Dean Sundiang-- one of the best professors and yet, the most feared. On Saturdays, we had Tax and Conflicts of Law... both with quizzes and recitations. Most of the normal people in 4S (us) looked at Friday as a day of rest. Fridays were seen as the sign that God did not hate us. We thought wrong.

Cause you and I know it's all over the front page
You give me road rage, racing through the best days
It's up to you, boy, you're driving me crazy
Thinking you may be losing your mind

Last night, Judge Albano announced that he needed some kind of basis for our grades and that we would have a quiz in Civil Law Review every Friday. Goodbye, rest day. God cast us out of Heaven (our beloved Law Lecture Room) and into the deepest and darkest circle of Hell.

Space age, road rage, fast lane...

I am blessed to be with good friends during these trying times and that they're going through this with me (not like they have any choice, 4S din sila). But I feel cursed since I am deprived of the much needed rest and time to unwind. I spend my mornings in the library instead of sleeping in, I spend my evenings reading books while blowing my nose and trying to get well from some sort of flu without resorting to sleep.

I try to look at the bright side: at least, by the time I take the bar, I'll be fully prepared since I'm forced to study. That is if I graduate this year... assuming I'll still be alive and functional next week.

So until March, I'll be singing my bad day, angry girl song from the Catatonia album.

We all live in the space age, coming down with road rage,
Racing through the best days...

Sabi nga ni Claire: Ayokong makakarinig ng 4B, 4C at 4D na nagsasabing nahihirapan sila sa buhay nila.

the last becomes first...

tuesday rem law

classroom: 13G (3rd floor, first year rooms)

sir pabs reminds me of RPL... the medyo lukot short-sleeved barong, the face, the manner of speaking, the out-of-this world questions...

and the queasy feeling i get in the pit of my stomach when he enters the classroom-- lightheaded and feverish.

it's like i'm in first year again but this time, wala nang take two

the last second semester

mahirap magpakadarna ng walang bato.

remedial law...

no more fishball breaks
no more taho sessions
no more duduy...

no books
no notes
no lectures

no social life
no love life
no life at all.

this is what i've been reduced to.

suntok sa buwan

DARNA!

nope, didn't work. but it was worth a shot

spring cleaning in november

I found a lot of things while cleaning up...

Mommy and Me... vogue-ing at an early age

The beginnings of a genius =P

And the basket case I've become.

One day of pure bliss

Every morning...

Mamay: Sino ga ere? (with the Batangueñong punto)
Nikki: Si Nikki po, apo ng Ellen.

Mamay: Ah, yung di sumasagot ng tanong hanggang hindi Inggles? Bakit nagtatagalog ka na? Naku, apo, wag na wag kang maga-abogado. Itinatama nila ang mali at minamali ang tama!

Believe me, Mamay, I listened. I did. I'll try my best not to prove you right.

At the other side lies another place I used to call home.

Reunited with Baby Morgan


Yes, Batangas. I promise, I will go back.

The Last Goodbye

I was cleaning my room and found my old diary from summer camp in Ohio. Well, sabi nga ni Pambie, lahat tayo corny nung teenagers so at the risk of being judged for mushiness, sentimentality and cluelessness... let me quote from the diary narrating the goodbye scene. It was the August 2, 1996 entry. I won't mention names but the details are very specific so if he remembers, he's gonna figure it out eventually...

I didn't know how to say goodbye to _________. xxx He came up to me and hugged me for five seconds that seemed to last forever. I told him "You smell like onions (private joke)." And he said, "I know. Bye." I could still smell his cologne (which, let me tell you was intoxicating). I could remember that look in his eyes last night while he was dancing with me. I could still feel his hug and hear his voice when he said "I know. Bye."

Before he left, he wrote something on my notebook and told me not to read it until I got on the plane. I opened it the minute I got on the plane and it said "I love you very much." One sentence brought back the daily morning arguments about milk on Cheerios, holding hands while walking during a trip to Paramount Park, long afternoons at the cafetorium (oh, man, can't believe I still remember that), private jokes about Coca-cola and onions. We were teen-agers who never gave a thought about what would happen after summer.

That was eleven years ago. It was a crush. I've grown up and so has he. We were both meant for greater things.

These Days

(submitted to www.peyups.com)

There are days when everything seems like a nightmare… the sleepless nights, the days that drag on and the tears. There are days when it seems like nothing happened, nothing was lost, nothing changed. I would pretend that you’re away on vacation in some exotic place and you’ll be back in a couple of weeks. It’s been a while since I felt the pain.

Sorry I never told you all I wanted to say
Now it’s too late to hold you cause you’re far away

Then there are days like today. These are the days that reality hits me and denial is pushed aside. These are the days that I feel as if you just left yesterday. They say time heals all wounds. It’s not true. I was listening to the radio and I heard the DJ read a quote from someone: Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just soothes the pain. I’m living proof of that. Time does not make you forget the tears, the laughter and the memories. If anything, it just gives way to more tears, more laughter and more memories… a greater possibility for pain.

Never have I imagined living without your smile…

It’s hard to think of a time that you have not been in my life. Even as a baby, you have witnessed the very first time I opened my eyes, my first smile, my first loud burp. You were there to see me take my first step, say my first word and saw me off on my first day of school. You helped me up when I tumbled down the stairs when I was seven and defended me from my father’s belt even if you knew that I probably deserved to be punished.

You picked me up everyday from ballet school and took me to Mc Donald’s where you would be brutally honest with me and told me I had two left feet. You made my costumes for United Nations Day, attaching your pretty little pillow to your favorite blue silk robe because I wanted to dress up as a Japanese in fifth grade. You took time to make me stuffed animals and organize my things for me. I think your obsessive-compulsive streak rubbed off on me. You spoiled me in every way you can… but I treated you badly for many years, thinking you were probably the worst person in the house because you made sure I was grounded and stayed that way when I was incorrigible. I never appreciated the fact that you combed through practically every toy store in the state of California just to get me that Barbie Dream House for Christmas.

We would play Scrabble on hot summer days and you let me win a couple of times and laugh when I tried to cheat. You called me everyday when I was on a field trip to Sagada just to make sure that I was okay. You went all the way to UPLB for my graduation ceremony. You were even more excited than I was when I got into law school. You promised me you’d go to my graduation. You promised you’d have a banner for me when I take the bar exams. You promised a lot of things. But then, I did too.

Whenever I had a problem, I didn’t need to say anything. You knew just what to do. You would comfort me when I was in despair, make me laugh when I needed cheering up and helped me up when I fell down. You made up for the fact that my dad was never really a father. You were a second mother… almost.

Although, the sun will never shine,

I will always look to a brighter day…

These are the days when I feel like it just happened hours ago… the wounds hurt, although not opened. According to a Discovery Channel special, this kind of pain is chronic… the wounds have closed but it still hurts from time to time. I find myself choking back tears and wonder how things would be if you were still here. I find myself asking, Why you? Why now? And I regret a lot of things.

These are the days that I regret that I never said thank you. Thank you for being such a wonderful person. You had your faults but you made up for it by the love that you gave us. You were the link that kept the family together. Thank you for allowing me to think for myself, for teaching me to face the consequences of my actions, for letting me know that nothing is impossible. Thank you for loving me to death.

These are the days I never said I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I never told you a lot of things. I’m sorry I took you for granted, thinking you’d always be here. I’m sorry I swore I never wanted to see you again. I didn’t mean it, you have to know that. Oh god, I miss you so much… I can feel my heart breaking I’m sorry I never told you I love you… until now. These are the days when I find myself crying in the middle of doing my homework or while watching TV. I find myself almost picking up the phone and dialing your number just to talk to you and tell you how depressed I am. Then I remember, you’re not there anymore.

Lord I know, when I lay me down to sleep, you will always listen as I pray…

These are the days I pray to God and thinking of making a deal with Him that I would give anything to have you back but I know you wouldn’t let me. I can almost hear you saying, “It’s my time to go. Stop crying na and have fun. Mag-jacket ka nga, malamig na. Baka magkasipon ka.” Malamig na nga. Lalong malamig kasi wala ka na. May sipon na ako. Kasi I cry a lot on days like these.

I know you’re shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day…

My Real Soul Mates

It's always been like this. I set myself up for a big disappointment. I guess I'm getting kind of used to it. With every crush, affair, relationship I have, I end up losing something, a part of my romantic side I guess. I believe less in love stories and my idea that there are no romantic soulmates out there is reinforced.

But there is one thing I continue to believe in: that although other people will let me down, my friends never will.

Threz, my relatives who I have come to consider as my confidantes. They know my every bad habit, good habit and everything in between. I will never forget our summers in Las Piñas and Cuenca. They have thrown me the best surprise birthday party I can remember, food fights, music and yes, our As. Over the years, we've had our ups and downs but somehow, we found a way to be there for each other. Thing have changed for all of us, we've been separated by the International Date Line and the Atlantic Ocean but somehow, to quote Michael Corleone from The Godfather movies "They pull me back in." I will always keep the letters written in cardboard, toilet paper, stationery and even cigarette packages that have been clandestinely delivered to each other. I will also cherish the late night conference calls and constant taunting and looking out the window with a faraway look in our eyes, thinking of cavemen. I will always find myself singing "Jingle bells, jingle bells it's Christmas time in the city..." in the middle of May and will abuse my vocal chords by reaching the highest notes of the Les Miserables soundtrack. I will look forward to the day that we will laugh at the times that our screams reached the other end of the solar system.

Kahit na anong mangyari, kahit na saan ka man patungo.

The Toxic Nips, who have been there with me during the toughest times of my life, going through adolescence with me. They have gone through the rebellious stage, teeny-bopper stage (well most of them) and the toughest Article 36 days with me. I could never have made it through high school without you. You gave me something to go home to every weekend when I was in college and now, I have a date to look forward to at least once a year. Even though we only have one barkada picture, that one picture holds a lot of memories.

Don't even have pictures, just memories to hold.

Grow sweeter each season as we slowly grow old.

My college blocmates, the future founding members of the EENG Law Offices, and SocioSoc. These people literally gave me a life back in college. While the Toxic Nips gave me something to go home to, you gave me something to look forward to whenever I went back to Los Baños. You have given me survival skills, boosted my self-confidence, showed me how to deal with all kinds of people and professors. You taught me to think outside the box and prepared me for law school in ways I could never imagine. We shared our dreams over bottles of alcohol and somehow we could solve the world's problems when we were drunk. I still have the Fundador bottle from one of our final rites. That bottle holds a message for me. There are others out there who share my dreams of turning this world into a better place for future generations.

But it's always you I run home to... take me home back to where I am free

My Poor People (you know who you are), law school was an adventure because of you. Although I got left behind, you're standing there in the finish line, cheering me on. You kept me grounded and always knew how to make me laugh. You made law school bearable when I couldn't see the point of going on. We shared the tears, laughter and craziness. Thank you for your patience and the company. I miss the library sessions, sneaking in Hot Shots and tikoy, movie dates in the middle of the week, study sessions in the field and in our kuta and classroom hopping. I look forward to September every year for our traditional night of good food, good music and good company.

Salamat, at may gabing nakalaan sa konting kasiyahan.

The June 21 Club, through all the silent dinners, races to the bathroom, torta days, ninja moves and threats of adoption. You have given a whole new meaning to "There's no place like home." I am happy and proud to call you family.

I'll be alright as long as it matters

As long as you're here with me now

Of course, who would forget the Garfield Group and Friends. The people at the far side of the Law Lecture Room where the food flows endlessly and the laughter is constant. Where you would hear the other people singing Hiram or Part of Your World from the other side and laugh silently without anyone noticing. The Garfield Group, who stand by each other through embarrassing recitations, pink tops and ten-foot high cases. According to Pambie, between our seats, there are no spaces.

You were there when I needed you.

You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open.

These people are my soul mates. We're interested in the same things, we enjoy each others' company, we speak the same language and Fate brought us all together and made our lives happier.

Kids Gone Wild

I'm sure there will come a time that the kids will regret they ever had these pictures taken.

Good morning, Kuya Ken (MawMaw)!!!

May ginagawang milagro... I wonder who's on diaper duty...

Cuckoo Kyle, Beehhh Zoe and Clueless Ken
This is what happens when Didays goes on diaper duty

Unti-unting nagmamana kay Ninong G.A.

See what I mean?

Baby Zoe with Tita Zeny, Ninang Gorgeous and Kuya Maw Maw

THE GODMOTHER

(Tababy-O Ken, Tababoy Kyle and Monay Zoe with Ninang Gorgeous)

Motion to amend previous blog

After including the classic "Hiram" in my blog playlist (refer to previous blog Classic Poli Moments), I have realized that I have been singing the wrong words all along. The chorus goes

Di ba, ako'y tao lang na nadadarang at natutukso rin...

Please accept the line as my apology for the wrong lyrics. Although I have no idea what nadadarang means so instead of singing something undefined in my world, I will sing my own version...

Di ba, ako'y tao lang na nangangarag at natutukso rin...
Di ba, ako'y tao lang na nawiwindang at natutukso rin...

Take your pick.

Petition for Change of Name

This is hearsay, inadmissible in any proceeding for any purpose.

Kai and Pambie were walking behind Tuning:
Kai: Tuning! Tuning! Tuning! (Tuning ignores her so she finally calls Tuning by his real name)
Tuning: (turns around) Ako ba tinatawag mo?
Kai: Kanina pa 'no. Pero pag tinawag kitang pogi di ka na magiisip, lilingon ka nalang kagad.
Tuning laughs.

We need a new codename.

Better late than never... an appeal to all ethnic groups

Dear Friends, I have just read and signed the online petition: "Filipino Americans demand for apology from ABC and Desperate Housewives" hosted on the web by PetitionOnline.com, the free online petition service, at: http://www.petitiononline.com/FilABC/petition.html

This is not just about Filipinos or the medical profession. If the writers of the show feel comfortable enough to target a particular group (in this case, our doctors), what's to stop the from slandering other ethnic groups or professions? Who's going to be next? African Americans? Mexicans? teachers? lawyers (though they deserve it half the time =P )? mothers? Chinese?

They say we should focus on our problems regarding poverty and corruption. But with comments like the one given in the show, we will never get the chance to pick ourselves up from where we fell... they will never give us the chance.

People say that the writers and Teri Hatcher should pray that they never find themselves in the hands of a Filipino medical professional because they might exact revenge. But let's prove them wrong. Let's show these insensitive people that we are better than they are, that we will not sink to their level. Let their consciences shout out to them if they ever get sick and are cured by the quality doctors and nurses that came from "some med school in the Philippines."

We're defensive because we know that the statement is an utter falsity. That's our excuse. What's theirs?

*it's sad because i used to think that they had a brilliant script writer to come up with lines that went straight to your heart. yes, the lines do pierce your heart in every way and this time, it made my heart bleed.

Double Chocolate Mint and its effects

But now I feel your presence in a way I could not know
And I wonder, do you ever feel the same?
In whispering darkness, do you ever hear my name?

-Out of My Mind (Duran Duran)

I want a man who...

1. will admit that he can't do everything

2. knows when to take the lead and when to let me do it

3. knows how to ask for directions

4. can carry on a conversation that i will think about long after it's over--the conversation, i mean (inspired by the intellectual stimulation that Pambie's Dudung gives her)

5. covets me (Hay, Tuning, please covet me... hehehe)

6. wants to do the dishes, the laundry, cook and pamper me at least once a year

7. cannot tame me but can run with me (something I realized while talking with Anthony, Claire and Pambie)

8. does not insult my intelligence

9. isn't too perfect (inspired by Claire)

10. will make me forget food with the mere thought of him and make me crave nothing else BUT him (inspired by Kai and her donuts)

Classic Poli Moments

Gem: Ang weird talaga ng classmates natin...
My comment: lalo na pag poli

Nikki: Parang laging happy si Commissioner. Ano kayang nasisinghot nun?

Examples:
1. Di ba... ako'y tao lang na nasasaktan at natutukso diiiiin... (Lalaki ang kumanta)

2. Up where they walk, up where they run.... Up where they stay all day in the sun!!! (Lalaki din ang kumanta pero mataas na boses)

3. In the midst of silence, while everyone was cramming, a voice is heard from the other side of the room... SIYEEEEEEEET!

4. During the recitation of Tuning's seatmate... "Ang ganda ng tsinelas ni Tuning's other seatmate... pearls.
Make a pearl... make a song... make a book..."
Kai: Hay naku, Nikki. Nadadaig ang Da Moves mo. Bukas mag-diamond na tsinelas ka!

5. Rene V.: Ang ganda ni Miss Rosario ngayon... Grooving groovy!

6. Rene V.: Mister Sanchez, what do you think? (No one stands up or answers. Kasi wala palang tao sa upuan ni Mr. Sanchez)

7. Rene V.: Mister Carlos, can I ask you a favor? Sana next meeting mabura na itong nakasulat sa board (permanent marker kasi ang ginamit ni sir). Sabagay, ako din naman ang may gawa nito.

8. Tuwing papasok na si Commissioner (kahit exam), someone from the class starts to say Siiiiiiiiiiir...


It has been a memorable last first semester.

Objects of Covetousness

pambie said, it is man's nature to be covetous. here are actual occurrences that may prove her point...

1. gem: sige na, pag pinahiram mo kami nung notes mo, dadalhan ka ni nikki ng cookies

tuning: pwedeng yung nandun nalang sa box na yun (pointing to my brownie from claire)

nikki: o ayan ha (handing the brownie), show of good faith yan.

tuning inhales the brownie

tuning: uy, thank you. masarap ha. wala bang water.

pambie: one point ka ha, sister.

kai: ang da moves ha!

the next school day:

gem: mr. (tuning's last name) ito na yung notes mo. thank you. (handing the cookies and the notes)

tuning: wala na ba kayong hihiramin?

2. sa barrister office

nikki: hoy, tirhan nyo si claire at si gem

shurl: ubos na eh!

sinong umubos?

3. online this morning:

nikkai: bawal na ubusan sila gem at claire ha. 12 pieces yun, tag 3 kayo.tapos isang box kay shurl. hihihi

Seester: 3 sa akin from you. tapos hingi pa ako ng cookie kay moomy shurl!

nikkai: ay may tawag na dyan! hehehe

Seester: gahaman

nikkai: sakim. corrupt.

Seester: greedy

nikkai: MASIBA

Seester: covetousness

4. leg med

tuning: parang lagi kayong madaming food

pambie: kasi may potluck kami. picnic area yung side namin

tuning: pwede ba lumipat sa inyo? may upuan pa ba dun?

nikki: ha?

5. grave scandal by the gym

two first years went out of the classroom (a couple). the girl was pretty and according to pambie, she looked like she thought of law school as a finishing school kasi laging ayos na ayos.

the girl was smiling and according to gem, the smile looked well... covetous. the boy led the girl past us, toward the dark area behind the gym, beyond the yosi area by fior.

after 15 minutes, they were back in their classroom.

gem: ambilis naman nila
nikki: kaya nga quickie eh.
resly: lagi syang nakaskirt ano?
gem: para easy access.

6. CR escapade during poli rev... tuning sitting on a bench near the drinking fountain by the restrooms and smiles at the girl in blue walking towards him (AKO!!!):

nikki: tinawag ka.

tuning: di nga?

nikki: oo nga. then walks away... a few meters later (wow, ginawang time ang meters)

tuning: tamang-tama pala na lumabas ako

nikki: ha?

tuning: sakto yung labas ko

nikki: joke lang yun.

paglabas ko ng CR

nikki: bumalik ka na sa loob kasi sabi ni sir tatawagin ka na niya.

tuning: di din ako makakarecite ngayon. *coughs* (awww, he's sick)

di ko alam kung hindi siya makakarecite dahil gagayahin niya akong nawalan ng boses o dahil nakatulog sya dahil sa cough medicine kaya di nakaaral. but anyhow, natuluyan ang lagnat nya. absent sya kay duduy eh. sayang di nya nakita ang skirt ng seatmate nya (see no. 6).

6. funny classmate: nahaharass ka na ba ni seatmate mo?

tuning laughs and seatmate cries, according to the storyteller

tuning's seatmate covets him. that is the only conclusion i can come up with.

of course, being my friend, kai said, "hindi yan. mas kulot ka naman dun."

thank you for the vote of encouragement, kai. and thank you, sisterrific for saying that it is natural to covet. that way, walang guilt pag nag-da moves ako. hehehe

*dudung, kalbo and tuning-- nicknames for people that we covet (by we, i mean pambie, kai and myself). ambabaho ano?

"Da Moves"

It's been a while since I felt this way.

All I want to say is thank you to the person who brought the feeling back and unknowingly offered himself to be my guinea pig so I can practice what Kai calls DA MOVES.

Tonight, there was deliberate intent.

Pambie: I think liligawan ka nya. Hehehe

Nikkai: napaka-assuming naman ng "i think" mo. wala naman overt acts to show intent.

Pambie: Dinedeclare ko na at kino-covet for you. Hehehe.

Dyos ko, Sisterrific. Mag-dilang anghel ka sana.

For the Coffeeholics

Smell the Coffee and Wake Up (from http://www.peyups.com/)

an article by jjvl (edited by arwen)

Coffee. The word means different things to different kinds of people. For a few, it means the luxury of enjoying exotic flavors from around the world. To some, it means the chance of pretending to afford and enjoy this luxury. To others, it means daily fare to keep them awake and alert for their daily labor. Finally, for a steadily growing number of Filipinos, it equates with their very survival. Coffee is more than a mere beverage consisting of alkali, sugar and other compounds. It is a symbol of social and economic status, of prestige, and of power. In every stir and sip, and in every drop is the story not only of the person drinking it, but of the society as well.

Drop by a classy café or restaurant. Chances are, you would see at least one person drinking coffee at any given time of the day. The coffee there comes in many different flavors, with a variety of syrups, flavoring, toppings, cream and other add-ons to create a vast combination for drinking pleasure in different sizes. Imagine that you’re modestly well-to-do, if not filthy rich. Take your pick. Order your cup. Read a book and enjoy the comforts of a relaxed lounge atmosphere. Pay your bill: use either cash or credit card for your purchase. Then drive off, feeling better with that one dose of sheer pleasure to make your day.

Now imagine you’re not really rich or well-to-do. Remember: You had to save for this trip to the café, so make it count. You approach the counter and give your order with enough élan and sophistication to shame any high-browed socialite. You find a seat closest to the door where everyone can see you sipping an expensive cup. A friend comes in, and you feign surprise. You invite her to order a cup and join you. Three hours pass, and amazingly, your cups aren’t even half empty. The coffee’s cold, but you don’t mind, as you wave to your acquaintances passing by outside. Yes, that was good, wasn’t it?

It’s midnight, and you have to beat a deadline. Hours pass without much productivity, so you cram. Finding the nearest cup of warm water and a sachet of instant 3-in-1 coffee, you pour everything in and stir. Satisfied with that brownish tinge, you chug it down in one gulp. Now, that ought to perk you up, for the fourth time in two hours. Minutes tick by and your deadline comes closer. God, the stress is killing you. But hey, there’s still one more sachet left to calm you down. You finish a few minutes before deadline, you prepare that last cup and drink it. You feel like passing out, but you’re wide awake. Your head hurts, and it’s driving you mad.

You have a family of seven. You have a job, thank God, but it’s not enough to cover the costs of daily living. At least you have enough to buy rice. Cooped up in the four walls of your flimsy shanty, you prepare another mix of rice and instant coffee powder. That would be enough to keep your children’s stomachs from grumbling, at least for another day. They ate batchoy yesterday anyway, so a little sacrifice today wouldn’t hurt. You mix a little condensed milk for extra flavor, with some water to spread it. You don’t complain – better to eat once than not eat at all. Dinner is served.

In the simplest of things, like coffee, we can see the grim realities of Filipino society. It’s appalling how some could casually spend for their luxuries, while others are at the brink of starvation. A friend once told me how guilty he felt when a street kid asked him for alms when he left a Starbucks. Whether he gave the poor thing anything, I don’t really remember. What’s sad is that many of us don’t really care. I don’t know if apathy and indifference are side effects of caffeine overconsumption. To some extent, there is blood in your coffee. I guess what’s important is that even when we enjoy coffee as a creature comfort, we do not forget those among us whose very survival hangs on a thread. Everytime we perk up, our social consciousness should also get a jolt.

Smell the coffee and wake up.

Poor Unfortunate Soul

I'm beginning to think that God is punishing me for my constant laziness.

I lost my voice. I sang my heart out last Sunday and I lost my voice by midnight. I lost it at the worst possible time. It's my turn to examine a witness this afternoon. I've prepared scripts since last week. I printed out neat copies, highlighted the objectionable parts, gave them to opposing counsel and the witnesses. Being the obsessive person that I am, I color coded the scripts, printed out the questions on little cards and prepared the kick-ass outfit (minus the scandalous skirt).

Then came Monday morning. My voice was lower than usual. Pambie, Resly and Mado called it the bedroom voice. I thought it couldn't get any worse but it did. I woke up Tuesday morning with no voice at all and I had to get by using sign language. It was hard trying to keep quiet the whole day. I practically ate a whole box of Claire's Riccola lozenges just so I can talk a little... you know, ask the necessary questions, give the needed answers. I even had to get excused from Poli Rev recitations because it hurt to talk. It reminded me of the Little Mermaid where Ariel lost her voice. Of course, I had no prince to speak of but still.

So I started drinking salabat by the pot and doing everything that the doctor suggested... warm water, warm water with salt, warm water with mouthwash, warm water with my meals, strepsils, antibiotics that made me sleep for ten straight hours...

I'm still waiting for the results. I need my voice by 3pm. I'm still drinking the salabat. I'm still thinking of actually drinking the warm water with salt instead of gargling it. I'm still trying to rehearse the script. I'm ready to sell my soul just to get my voice back. Now, where do I find the squid lady that answers to the name Ursula? Maybe I should try singing "Under the Sea" and she'll come out. Oh, I forgot. I lost my voice.

Sabi ni Mommy...

I believe that Mother knows best... most of the time. This is one of those times.

I grew up hearing my mom talk about my grandmother's brothers and sisters. These people are not human. They don't study, rarely come to class and yet, they take home first prize, the gold medal or whatever the highest honors are. They bring a whole new meaning to the word "overachiever."

A classic story is that of Uncle Fidel, Ate Pau's dad (back when he was in third grade). He was called by his teacher to recite on something about the assignment and so he got out his notebook and read from it. When the teacher looked at the notebook, there was nothing written on it and Uncle Fidel was answering the homework questions on his own, no notes. Nothing.

Mom, according to my grandmother, always went home with honors. She would work hard and actually cry over homework. My uncle was another story. He wouldn't study, play basketball, pull pranks, not go to class and yet he would finish the term with honors. My mom said that Tito Arnold was the real genius and she, my mother, was just hardworking. It was a Castillo trait, according to her. Somehow, all our happy-go-lucky relatives-- the first-class pranksters-- were the geniuses. This is how I came to believe the truth in Aristotle's words... "No great genius ever existed without some touch of madness."

My high school English teacher once told my mom that I was smart, just too lazy. It was why I failed her class and had to take remedial Grammar (which I have to say was an experience I'll never forget). I never believed that... I always thought Miss Asa said that to comfort my mom, that she did not have a dunce for a daughter. My mom, on the other hand, thought I was too much like my uncles... all that mad brilliance bottled up inside.

I am ashamed to say I was the only one who failed the Civil Law Review prelims. I never thought that it would happen since I had a strong foundation in Persons and Family Relations (mag-RPL ka ba naman dun). Plus we got hold of a samplex. How could anybody fail? But I did. I studied for three days, looked at the samplex at the last minute and I failed miserably. I couldn't even muster the courage to tell my mom. I always picture how she looked like the time I told her I failed Crim 1. What more if I tell her that I might not graduate? I resolved to do everything I can so that moment won't come. But apparently, the universe was against me. I got swamped with a lot more homework, extra-curricular activities and what-have-yous that I didn't even have time to study until the night before the exam.

Come midterms, I was terrified that I would be the senior who would not graduate not because of Justice Fernandez or Dean Sundiang but because of CivRev 1, the easiest course during the first semester. But I didn't even finish reading the codal provisions on property. I went in blind, so to speak. All I knew was the law on builders on good faith and their rights. I didn't even remember the movable and immovable properties and I was relying on what I had learned back in second year (which wasn't much).

I got the results yesterday. I passed... with flying colors. I don't know how it happened but I did. I remembered what our driver/confidante said the day of the exam. He said I would pass because I didn't study. Even he noticed that pattern.

So I remembered my mom's stories about my uncles... how they wouldn't study and pass. No, I'm not going to stop studying. I still will but I've got to learn to take it easy, not let the pressure get to me. She always said to relax a little, find the balance between taking it easy and working when I need to. And for that, I thank her.

In Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, there was a line... "If you really want something, the universe will conspire in helping you achieve that dream." The universe did. It gave me my mom.

A breath of fresh air

It's been a while since we've had a baby around, and none of them were girls... I think I was the last baby girl around. You're one of the luckiest little girls ever born and let me tell you why.

You're surrounded by people who love you. You'll never be alone, believe me--not in this family. You'll always have someone to turn to. I'll always be there for you the way I'm always there for your kuyas. Your parents haven't asked me yet but I know that even if they don't I'll still be your Ninang... or at least you'd end up calling me that (makikigaya ka sa mga kuya mo). And true to the forgotten definition of a Ninang, you can always turn to me as another parent (only much more fun... hehe). I will be for you what my Ninangs have been for me. It will be that way even if I have my own children... I will make time for all of you.

You're the only baby girl in the house right now. And let me tell you from experience how much fun it is... You're going to be the center of attention. You're going to be everybody's favorite doll. And also, let me warn you about the disadvantages, little baby. Prepare those rosy cheeks for constant pinching. Prepare your whole body for the neverending cuddling up until the next baby comes. Prepare your ears for the baby talk. But don't worry, it's all done in good faith and it's really enjoyable... at least for us, the people who'd be doing the cuddling. You'll get more than a fair share of hugs and kisses. And they'll be overprotective of you. Plus the endless teasing when the boys start to line up at the doorstep. By the way, prepare to be drowned in dolls and stuffed toys. And remember, Ninang is always here to play with you. I'm willing to forget Poli, Crim and everything else for a couple of hours to spend time with you kids.

Of course, like any concerned adult, I come to you with warnings of the big bad world. Don't let all the attention get to your head. Not everybody in this world will welcome you with the same attitude, baby. And as you get older, you will get hurt. I can't protect you from everything and neither can your parents. As hard as your brothers may try, they can't anticipate each and every harmful thing that would come your way. But if you do get hurt (and I guarantee you that one way or another you will), learn from them. It's what makes us stronger. And know that you can always turn to your family for comfort. Learn from your mistakes, and learn from ours. Listen to other people and when you've exhausted all your remedies, call for help. Say the magic word and Ninang will be there for you... to help you with homework, introduce you to the world of chocolates and shopping, take you to movies and girls' days out (the way I take your brothers on "dates") and just to sit and talk.

Never fail to look at the brighter side of things. There's always light at the end of the tunnel and according to one of your kuya's favorite movies... we fall so we learn to pick ourselves up.

Welcome to the world, Zoe. You're truly a breath of fresh air.

From Mario Puzo's "The Fourth K"

• Being probably the only person in the world who's excited by spoilers, I read the last part of the book before I actually finished it. And I found some thought-provoking sentences. Sabi nga ni Luluness, PATOK!
  

• "She had followed the destiny of power, while most women followed the destiny of love. Were the victories of love sweeter?"
  
• "She believed that in a world of such peril, humankind could not solve its problems with strife but only with a never-ending patience. She would do the best she could, and in her heart try not to feel hatred for her enemies."

Sweetly Terrifying

I've never thought that the Carpenters could ever come up with a terrifying song.

Being the sentimental person that I am (to the point of sappiness), I've always found the song sweet. Until I watched 1408. You've got to see the movie to understand the terror. After seeing the movie, I actually reflected on the song. Yes, that's me, overanalyzing things.

Even without seeing 1408, "We've Only Just Begun" is a scary song. It speaks of a new journey, doing something you've never done before and it's far from over. It speaks of an end of something to make way for a beginning. And endings are always terrifying because you don't know how things will turn out.

Over the deteriorating quality of coffee at Barcelo, Pambie, Claire and I were talking about losing our passion for the law. We were all struggling to come up with ways to regain that passion and this is the part where I say I strongly disagree with Aristotle when he said that "The law is reason freed from passion." To go through what law students go through every day of their lives, to do what lawyers do, you need passion. You need to be so committed to whatever you're doing to be able to go on. And knowing that this is just the beginning and we're losing our passion... the thought scares the bejesus out of me. At this rate I'm going, I'll never survive.

It took a horror movie to snap me out of la-la land where the last year of law school isn't what I thought it would be. A horror movie and a Carpenters song.

And yes, we've just begun...

Dinner at Lau Chan

Most of my friends know the bitterness I've been harboring toward one of the well-liked professors in school. Well, it isn't that big a deal... I'm sure he didn't mean anything by the hurtful things he said and somehow, I have learned to let it all go. I guess it's a sign that I'm growing up. At first, all the blood went to my head and I worked my ass off just to prove him wrong. And everytime I did something wonderful, academically or otherwise, I would remember his comment and I would study harder. Now, I'm tired of all the bitterness and the anger. Yes, I still have to study... twice as hard but it's not to prove him wrong anymore. I'm studying for me.

What changed my mind? I was invited to dinner last Saturday night, his birthday dinner and he was there, the professor I knew before this whole drama began. Then it hit me, he just did what he thought was best--his delivery just needs a little polishing.

If there's anything I've learned from all this, I hold my own destiny. I can't let other people dictate what I'm going to be. I decide where I will be, who I will be and what I will be.
I guess there's a reason why he's a good professor... he teaches both inside and outside the classroom, both law and life.

All I can say to him now is thank you for the challenge. It made me a better person.

There is no anger

It's just you and I and the truth...

God bless and thank you

I now understand the real meaning of regret.

Pagkakataon mo na i-hug! Yes, I should have listened to Pambie. I've got nothing to lose anyway. And as conceited as it may sound, I think you expected it too. Of course, I never delivered. Don't ask me why. I don't know either. I've got nothing to lose anyway.

The only love worth fighting for is one that you can win and

That’s just the way it goes now.

You would not break but you could bend

And for love’s sake you let love end

But I still swear that you were God sent

One year ago, we were almost inseparable and now, the curse of Nikki strikes again. I should've let you know early on... fate plays with the destinies of the men in my life. They go forth and multiply without meaning to, they flunk out of school, they fail a subject or two. I think it's the reason I never wanted to give you any clue as to how I felt. Well, it was kind of a cat-and-mouse game. From the beginning, I knew this was pointless and my only goal throughout this whole thing was not to get caught, lest you get hit by the curse too. I'm superstitious and I don't want to be held accountable if you get hit by lightning, fall off the stairs or trapped in an elevator. Maybe that's why I never entertained actually doing what Pambie suggested. Instead, I made up a lame excuse that I might not be able to control myself and I may kiss you or never let you go (remember, jokes are half-meant).

I call you misplaced but never a waste of my time

Everybody’s gonna make mistakes

But you’ll never be one of mine

Now you're on your way to a new chapter and like all the men in my life, you left me to watch you walk away. One year ago today, I would always get these little messages, phone calls, emails with "Thanks. God bless..." at the end. I used to joke around saying that it was our version of "I love you." I don't get those messages now, not since the reason for you to give me messages ceased to exist. I guess it's for the better-- it'll be easier to let go this way.

I've said almost everything I needed to say... not to your face but at least I got it out of my system. Now I can wish you good luck with a lighter heart and I can say this one last time...

And you stood before me knowing that the wings I have, you gave

And that’s just the way it goes

And I barely have the breath to breathe much less to fly away

And a silence entered the room for a one last "I’m gonna love you."

So God bless and thank you.

Song of the Day: Bittersweet (Sara Bareilles)

The Sound of My Childhood

The hills are alive with the sound of music

With songs they have sung for a thousand years

The hills fill my heart with the sound of music

My heart wants to sing every song it hears

I was supposed to be studying yesterday but then, for some reason, I ended up watching The Sound of Music. I've seen the movie a thousand times since I was four but for some reason (most likely PMS), it felt like I was watching it for the first time. I felt the anticipation during the prelude, and I sang along when Julie Andrews was twirling on the mountain singing "The hills are alive with the sound of music..." I wanted to twirl along but then again, to see a 25-year-old twirling around her room singing "The Sound of Music" at the top of her lungs... something's not quite right. If I murdered someone, I'd probably be exempt due to insanity.

When I was four or five, I loved The Sound of Music. Every morning, I would put on the vinyl on the record player and prance around our living room, singing along to "I Am Sixteen," jumping across chairs, mimicking the scene with Liesl and Rolfe .

My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds

that rise from the lake to the trees

My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies

from a church on a breeze

To laugh like a brook when it trips and falls overstones on its way

To sing through the night like a lark who is learning to pray

When I turned eight, it was Annie. I sang "Tomorrow" with a vengeance (I still do). I cleared out my toys singing "It's a Hard Knock Life" and when I was alone, I would hum "Maybe" to myself. As I grew up, I turned to the musicals with more mature themes... Les Miserables and Miss Saigon. I remember being twelve and singing "I Dreamed a Dream" and "I'd Give My Life for You" with my cousin, trying so hard to reach the high notes.

I guess I lost touch with my "Broadway" persona as I grew up. I was introduced to pop, rock and everything in between so I stashed away all the records, tapes and cds of the musicals but yesterday, you could say I listened to the child within. I actually cried when the children were singing for the Baroness and the Captain joined in.

Now I know what will calm me down after a storm... literally and figuratively. Some people go to a bar to wash out their weariness with a couple of drinks. Some go home, sit on a comfortable chair and listen to Puccini. Some play sports. I have an easier solution (for me at least). All I have to do is put on "The Sound of Music" and twirl around the house, jump from chair to chair, singing along with Maria and the rest of the Von Trapp family. And when I get tired of all the dancing, I just have to sit down and sing along to "Maybe" from Annie.

I go to the hills when my heart is lonely

I know I will hear what I've heard before

My heart will be blessed with the sound of music

And I'll sing once more

Ang batang matanong...

"Life, all life, is about asking questions, not knowing the answers. It is wanting to see what's over the next hill that keeps us all going. We have to keep asking questions, wanting to understand. Even when we know we'll never find the answers, we have to keep asking the questions."

-Allie (from the mini-series Taken)

On Paper Stars, Song Lyrics, Cheap Shots, Respect and Privacy

"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures shall be inviolable." - Article III, Section 2 of the 1987 Philippine Constitution

Get that through your thick head. This is not an apology, nor is it a defense for the cheap shot I threw your way. It's not about the paper stars or the song lyrics written on them. Nor is it about your half a dozen other futile attempts to get on my nerve. It's about respecting other people's property. Not even my mother can touch my things. What makes YOU think you can go through them. I don't know how it works in your house but this is MY house, MY rules... the third floor is MY floor, you went through MY desk, MY box, MY things. You had no right to do that.

"Every person shall respect the dignity, personality, privacy and peace of mind of his neighbors and other persons. The following and similar acts, though they may not constitute a criminal offense, shall produce a cause of action for damages, prevention and other relief:(1)Prying into the privacy of another's residence;" -Article 26, Civil Code of the Philippines

I have nothing to hide, it's not about that. It's about respecting other people and their property. It's one thing to pick something up, look at it then put it back but it's another thing to go through someone's desk, open up the folded up pieces of paper and read what's written on them and what's more, ruin things that don't belong to you... no matter how cheap or replaceable they might be. It's a matter of principle, not how much it cost... although I think it's the only language you understand.

"... any private individual, who directly or indirectly obstructs, defeats, violates or in any manner impedes or impairs any of the following rights and liberties of another person shall be liable to the latter for damages:
xxx
(9) The right to be secured in one's person, house, papers and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures;
xxx" - Article 32, Civil Code of the Philippines

I pity you. You have to make other people feel bad to make yourself feel better. You have to put on this mask everyday filling yourself up with hot air just to feel secure about who you are. It must take a lot of effort to do that. Poor you.

I don't know how you do things in your house but in most cases, people respect others' homes. No matter how comfortable you may be while you're in that place, no matter how close a relationship you have with the inhabitants, you have ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to go through their things. They're not yours so you don't have the power to do whatever you want with them. That's a basic thing your parents teach you (and I know your dad taught you that... only you couldn't get it through your unbelievably inflated head).

I'm not apologizing for being honest. I think hanging out with people like the ones you hang out with have stripped you of your values. You need to find a new set of friends. I know that's another cheap shot but I think you deserve it. I think it's the only way to get to an insensitive, insecure prick like you. Oh by the way, I think that your current set of amuyongs only tolerate you because you give them free meals. You'd make a good politician... you're getting to be an expert in vote-buying.

Lastly, magyabang ka pag may ipagmamalaki ka na... things that YOU worked for not those handed to you on a silver platter by your padrinos.

These guys only exist in the big screen

Charlie: What color are my eyes?

Kevin: Well, at first glance your eyes are brown. But when the light hits them, they change to amber. And if you look really close around the iris, the color is pure honey. But when you look into the sun, they almost look green. That's my favorite.

from Monster-In-Law (the movie that makes me dread getting married)

A moment of weakness

it's been a while since i've felt like this. i guess it's all that rain... it always rained when he was around. i'm content and sometimes i truly believe i'm happy but there's always a moment when everything crashes down on me. i guess the rain's there to wash it all away. i now thank God for the rain. it means a lot to me... almost as much as it means to the farmers who've been waiting for water to come down from the heavens.

and now that the moment's over, i can go back to my normal life (whatever that is).

The way we should be

I guess it was really meant to end this way.

I'd always imagined that by this time, I'd have done a lot of things. By the time I turned 25, I thought I would be a lawyer... or at least taking the bar this September. I'd also imagined myself with you.

Life gets in the way. Nothing turned out the way I planned. There were heartless professors and the professors who had to teach me things other than what I read in law books. I had to eat a slice of humble pie, spit out a few painful feelings, laugh alone in public. I also got to meet new people... people who caught my attention for a while so that I can slowly let you go. Fate has a sick sense of humor and I can't help but laugh along with it.

I'm 25. I'm not a lawyer yet nor am I taking the bar this year. I'm not with you.

But I'm happy. I'm happy because if I did end up with you, I certainly wouldn't be here, I'd be missing a few more precious memories that I keep dearly now. I'm happy because were it not for the obstacles, I would never be the samurai sword I am now, wielded, exposed to fire, molded several times to be of value to someone... even if it's not you.

This is exactly where I want to be... how I want to be. It took me a long time to get here but what matters is that I'm here and I'm happy. This is exactly where I should be. I can truly say that I have moved on.

Return Mail by bulitas (from www.peyups.com)

I tore open the white envelope slightly damped with sweat from my right hand. I tried to maintain the half-excited, half-nervous look to mix with the room’s ambience. As the deafening silence started to embrace each person in the room, I tried my best to hold my tears on the verge of rolling down my cheeks. I kept myself away from others so that I could read the letter thoroughly. My emotions were intensified by the weather outside. Rain poured down in a frenzy as if it was a projection of the collective emotions in the room.

I read the letter on the off-white paper near the window where an ample amount of light managed to make its way through the window sills. I wondered if my eyes were fooling me again. jumbled words appeared before me as if teasing me to decipher their hidden meanings. In an instant, I have read words, even sentences I usually hear from my father.


wala kang patutunguhan
ang yabang mo
sino ka ba sa akala mo? anak lang kita!
ang haba ng nguso mo
akala mo kung sino kang matalino!


Random flashes of flashbacks started to hit me. The impact was so hard that it felt as if my internal organs were about to erupt. I felt the swelling heat brewing inside me as I tried to digest each word, each sentence I read from the retreat letter written on the off-white paper. The swelling feeling on my head was commanding me to tear the letter apart to release my rage. when I felt my patience was only inches away from giving up, a cold, wrinkled hand calmly pat my back and told me it was ok to cry. It was Father Peter’s hand. His look was more freezing the his hands. He smiled as he whispered to my ear God loves you.

I hid the paper from his view like he’s a wolf preying on my letter. Cry? Yes. I wanted to cry during that time but my tear glands were not manufacturing any. Maybe the vapors of rage somehow disrupted its normal tear production. But i did cry, inside. It was hard to read a blank letter. It was even harder to pretend that you feel almost the same as most people in the room- people were sobbing, crying, and smiling because of the actual letters they’ve read. Letters with actual words and sentences written by their parents or guardians, not a blank off-white paper full of illusions of having actual words and sentences.

I was the one who submitted the letter sealed in a white envelope to my class adviser back then. I remembered the night I asked my father for a retreat letter or even a note. I was not demanding him one; it was a class requirement. After a week, a night before the spiritual retreat, I asked him the letter but he replied in a stoic tone,


ano ba yang kalokohan na yan? Wag mo nga akong guluhin?


It was then that i managed to find the of-white paper on my room, folded it into three and sealed it in a white envelope.

Lately, while clearing my file basket, I managed to find the white envelope with the blank off-white paper. I thought disposing it would be great since it was an added junk on my piles of files, but i ought not. I opened the letter and again, flashes of flashbacks enveloped me. Amazingly i can still read words, sentences, and paragraphs from the blank paper. The letters appeared as if they were talking to me, telling me to write with them, be with them. Without any hesitation, I grabbed a pen and started filling up the off-white spaces with the flow of black ink.
I wrote:


papa,
thank you. salamat dahil madalas niyong sinasabing wala akong patutunguhan. salamat dahil lagi niyo akong pinupuna at pinapagalitan. salamat sa madalas na pagpaparamdam na ang liit-liit kong tao. salamat sa pagsasabing ang haba ng nguso ko. salamat nung minsang sinabihan o akong walang kwenta. salamat dahil akala mo mahiyain ako. salamat sa pag-aakalang adik ako, payat at basagulero.

salamat, kundi dahil sa’yo, wala akong patutunguhan. salamat, kundi dahil sa’yo, hindi ako magiging matapang para harapin ang buhay. salamat, kundi dahil sa’yo, hindi ko maarating ang kinatatayuan ko ngayon.

salamat sa pagpapanday sa akin. salamat kayo ang naging ama ko.

salamat sa sulat niyo dati.

mahal ko kayo.

anak

I placed the letter on the white envelope but i did not seal it. I placed it near his cabinet in our room.
*******

One of the greatest lesson he instilled in me was humility.

His constant nags and beating taught me that no matter how good you think you are, you are nothing but a speck of dust in the vast universe, the world will revolve even without me and that my name does not even appear as a footnote in history.

Thanks Papa.