The Litany of Fear

from Frank Herbert's Dune

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass through me and over me
And when it has gone past,
I will turn the inner eye to see its path
When the fear has gone, there will be nothing
ONLY I WILL REMAIN.


Hopefully, by this time next week I'll be waking up with a smile on my face and no boom boom in my heart.

1AM panic attack

it's me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence...

last night, i went through the longest and worst panic attack i ever had.

pambie said only the subtle panic attacks can kill you. this one was not so subtle but i wished that the ground would literally open up and swallow me alive.

mae said that there's nothing i can do but pray. it's exactly why i've been having these panic attacks. i hate the feeling of losing control, watching everything happen right before my eyes and there's nothing i can do about it. being the obi-wan of panic attacks, she said i've been having them because i have no faith in myself. maybe she's right.

i am walking on the bridge
i am over the water
and i'm scared as hell
but i know there's something better

It's our song, Claire.
Hopefully, after March 29, we'll be singing a happier song and the boom boom in our hearts will end. Then we can feel the sun shine brighter than Doris day.

the importance of accessorizing

Things happen for a reason... even movie schedules. I found the perfect movie to watch the night before the grades in rem rev become final. Real life is indeed stranger than fiction:

I read this, in this fantastically depressing book, that when you jump from a building, it's rarely the impact that actually kills you.

x x x x x x x x

Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true.

-Emma Thompson as Karen Eiffel (Stranger Than Fiction)

the fine line between agony and ecstasy

one song for two people who evoke very different feelings...

dear dean sundiang:
Pax!

YOU PUT THE BOOM BOOM IN MY HEART
YOU SEND MY SOUL SKY HIGH WHEN YOUR EXAM STARTS...
JITTERBUG INTO MY BRAIN
GOES A-BANG BANG BANG TILL MY FEET DO THE SAME

dear twinkerbellor,
YOU TAKE THE GRAY SKIES OUT OF MY WAY
YOU MAKE THE SUN SHINE BRIGHTER THAN DORIS DAY
TURNED A BRIGHT SPARK INTO A FLAME
MY BEATS PER MINUTE NEVER BEEN THE SAME.

himala...

the timing couldn't have been worse. my temperature hit an astronomical level DURING the commercial law review exam... of all subjects. now i'm not sure if i will graduate. i need a miracle to survive.

kasalanan bang humingi ako sa langit ng isang himala...

through the eyes of a child...

As a child,I can help preserve the environment by putting signs at the forest and jungles that says "Pls. do not cut trees" so the trees of the environment will be safe.

As a child, I can help preserve the environment by putting small fences around some flowers in the city so people will not step on the flowers.

As a child, I can help preserve the environment by building some small houses in our backyard so every animal that has a wound can go to the houses and I will help them cure their wounds and free them when they are already cured.

As a child, I can help preserve the environment by cleaning the outdoors so it will not be dirty and every living thing that lives outdoors will not get sick.

As a child,I can help preserve the environment by helping the animals find and build their houses in safe places so that their family won't get harmed.

As a child, I can help preserve th environment by planting plants such as flowers, fruit trees, and many more so the environment will be complete.

By Toni Camatog (writer, artist, poptart dealer and most importantly, a child)

Da Moves... a reprise

In the midst of chaos, anger and excessive blood loss...

Garfield Nikkai: bad trip, bad trip talaga!
Then, my twinkerbellor passes by and acknowledges my presence.
Mother Garfield: Ano, bad trip ka pa ba?
Garfield Nikkai: Di na.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

While reviewing for rem finals...
Garfield Twinkie: Binati ka ni twinkerbellor kaya di ka na badtrip ano?
Garfield Nikkai: Excuse me, ka-chika ko siya!
Garfield Loitis: Kausap mo sya ng yan ang suot mo (pointing to my plunging neckline)
Garfield Nikkai: Ay.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Buti pa ako, nakapag-Da Moves na ulit.
Eh ang registrar's office, may na-improve na ba since the virgule incident?
Buti pa ang Ateneo, kahit mayabang, they made their presence known in Makati last Friday.
Ang LSG ba may na-achieve na sa kanilang so-called freedom wall?
Buti pa si Twinkerbellor, nagsasalita na kahit papaano.
Eh ang mga nagyayabang na estudyante ng Beda, napakita na ba nila that they care about what happens in the world outside law school?

Almost made it...

Too bad, Ate Paulynne's essay didn't make the folio deadline. But I now understand the stress my mom goes through everyday.


Luci once said, "Parenting is not for the weak hearted."

I did not give the statement much thought at the time. I always figured that having a child is a choice and, similar to most decisions, couples think long and hard before choosing to saddle themselves with the responsibility of raising a kid. Despite the commitment though seeing another human being through childhood, adolescence and adulthood is no easy task. Providing for them (i.e., food, clothing, shelter, medical attention and education) is one thing but keeping them safe from the world and from themselves is another.

A child, I realize, is inherently self-destructive. They fall down stairs, eat poisonous stuff, burn themselves, etc. If a parent is lucky, the child learns quickly to be careful when going up or down a flight of stairs, not put unfamailiar things inside his/her mouth and leave fire alone. But most children will commit the same mistakes over and over again. I guess they are experimenting - maybe the outcome will be different the third, the fourth time around. Who knows? Maybe they are scientists by nature. I am sure, however, that a parent who is intent on keeping his/her child out of harm's way will have to be ever vigilant.

I can only imagine the constant fear that resides within each parent's heart. Maybe it accounts for why some are perceived to be unnecessarily strict or harsh. They want their children safe. Why they opt to make decisions for their children. Mistakes are painful. What parent would stand idly by while their kid gets hurt?

In the meantime, a parent has to satisfy the demands of the world as well. Clothes have to be washed. Work, sometimes, taken home to meet deadlines. And, yes, some entertainment is needed to keep one sane.

Why choose to go through all of this? The literature on the subject proposes that children are assets, security for the future and a way by which one can achieve immortality. Maybe so. For me? Children are the ultimate manifestation of one's faith and hope. God will provide. God will look after these precious ones when parents are limited by their own mortality. The world, despite political, economic and social concerns, would continue to provide for its population's needs.

Thus, allow me to augment Auntie Luci's observation, "Parenting is for the optimistic."