There are days when everything seems like a nightmare… the sleepless nights, the days that drag on and the tears. There are days when it seems like nothing happened, nothing was lost, nothing changed. I would pretend that you’re away on vacation in some exotic place and you’ll be back in a couple of weeks. It’s been a while since I felt the pain.
Now it’s too late to hold you cause you’re far away
Then there are days like today. These are the days that reality hits me and denial is pushed aside. These are the days that I feel as if you just left yesterday. They say time heals all wounds. It’s not true. I was listening to the radio and I heard the DJ read a quote from someone: Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just soothes the pain. I’m living proof of that. Time does not make you forget the tears, the laughter and the memories. If anything, it just gives way to more tears, more laughter and more memories… a greater possibility for pain.
It’s hard to think of a time that you have not been in my life. Even as a baby, you have witnessed the very first time I opened my eyes, my first smile, my first loud burp. You were there to see me take my first step, say my first word and saw me off on my first day of school. You helped me up when I tumbled down the stairs when I was seven and defended me from my father’s belt even if you knew that I probably deserved to be punished.
You picked me up everyday from ballet school and took me to Mc Donald’s where you would be brutally honest with me and told me I had two left feet. You made my costumes for United Nations Day, attaching your pretty little pillow to your favorite blue silk robe because I wanted to dress up as a Japanese in fifth grade. You took time to make me stuffed animals and organize my things for me. I think your obsessive-compulsive streak rubbed off on me. You spoiled me in every way you can… but I treated you badly for many years, thinking you were probably the worst person in the house because you made sure I was grounded and stayed that way when I was incorrigible. I never appreciated the fact that you combed through practically every toy store in the state of California just to get me that Barbie Dream House for Christmas.
We would play Scrabble on hot summer days and you let me win a couple of times and laugh when I tried to cheat. You called me everyday when I was on a field trip to Sagada just to make sure that I was okay. You went all the way to UPLB for my graduation ceremony. You were even more excited than I was when I got into law school. You promised me you’d go to my graduation. You promised you’d have a banner for me when I take the bar exams. You promised a lot of things. But then, I did too.
Whenever I had a problem, I didn’t need to say anything. You knew just what to do. You would comfort me when I was in despair, make me laugh when I needed cheering up and helped me up when I fell down. You made up for the fact that my dad was never really a father. You were a second mother… almost.
These are the days when I feel like it just happened hours ago… the wounds hurt, although not opened. According to a Discovery Channel special, this kind of pain is chronic… the wounds have closed but it still hurts from time to time. I find myself choking back tears and wonder how things would be if you were still here. I find myself asking, Why you? Why now? And I regret a lot of things.
These are the days that I regret that I never said thank you. Thank you for being such a wonderful person. You had your faults but you made up for it by the love that you gave us. You were the link that kept the family together. Thank you for allowing me to think for myself, for teaching me to face the consequences of my actions, for letting me know that nothing is impossible. Thank you for loving me to death.
These are the days I never said I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I never told you a lot of things. I’m sorry I took you for granted, thinking you’d always be here. I’m sorry I swore I never wanted to see you again. I didn’t mean it, you have to know that. Oh god, I miss you so much… I can feel my heart breaking I’m sorry I never told you I love you… until now. These are the days when I find myself crying in the middle of doing my homework or while watching TV. I find myself almost picking up the phone and dialing your number just to talk to you and tell you how depressed I am. Then I remember, you’re not there anymore.
These are the days I pray to God and thinking of making a deal with Him that I would give anything to have you back but I know you wouldn’t let me. I can almost hear you saying, “It’s my time to go. Stop crying na and have fun. Mag-jacket ka nga, malamig na. Baka magkasipon ka.” Malamig na nga. Lalong malamig kasi wala ka na. May sipon na ako. Kasi I cry a lot on days like these.
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day…
Well said.
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