if you forget me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

- Pablo Neruda

realization from The Tudors

I have been a Thomas More.

I have always been an unwitting Anne.

I will never be a Henry.

Perhaps I have been a Cardinal Wosley.

But this is the first time I have been a Katherine in each and every way without intending to be. Upon this realization, I refuse to stay a Katherine.

I need not give any explanation. I do not need to be excused. All I need is an understanding ear.

Song of the Day: Dead From The Waist Down (by Catatonia)

We are sleeping on our feet
We stole the songs from birds in trees
Bought us time on easy street
Now our paths they never meet
We chose to court and flatter greed, ego disposability
I caught a glimpse, and it's not me

it's a self-preservation thing

out of words (and tired of thinking of new ones), i decided to use lines from one of our favorite Christmas movies. though we have opposite opinions about the sub-plots, we agreed that love actually is all around:

but for now, let me say-- without any hope or agenda-- just because it's christmas (and at christmas you tell the truth), my wasted heart would love you until you look like this.

ENOUGH. ENOUGH NOW.

Song of the Day: Here With Me (by Dido)
I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
I am what I am, I'll do what I want
And I can't hide

one more ayala moment...

ayala avenue was supposed to be MY territory where there would be no memories other than those i had before all complications and walking was supposed to clear my head. yet, my kenshin finds ways to haunt me from san francisco. he was supposed to linger in the law library... not in the streets of makati.

Song of the Day: Here You Come Again (by Dolly Parton)

All you've got to do is smile that smile

And there go all my defenses

Just leave it up to you and in a little while

You're messing up my mind and filling up my senses

the saga continues...

"Just when I think I'm out, they keep pulling me back in."
-Michael Corleone (from The Godfather III)

a quote brought to you by an ayala avenue run-in.

Song of the Day: Okay Na (by Milk and Money)

Kailan tayo magkikita uli?

Sabi ko hindi na...di na kailangan

Paalam na o giliw ko ako'y lalayo na

Lumigaya ka sana

minimal reference

i promised there will be minimal reference to the lib affair after the impact caused by the quasi-rockstar but for some odd reason, i found myself staring at an uploaded photograph and it stopped my heart. for five minutes, i was captivated by my kenshin's haircut a la michael douglas in disclosure (coincidentally, my cousin and i were watching it on cinemax, commenting on how few people could pull off that hairstyle). my vision was filled with the flattering effect of a light blue shirt always had on him. made him look like an angel.

the last time my heart skipped a thousand beats was by the stairs leading up to the library-- where it all began.

i am still trying not to think about it. i never said i would succeed but i am hoping that, with a little effort, i will. wherever he is, i wish him happiness. i'm sure he doesn't even have to try to not think of me. it's second nature to him.

Song of the Day: Gravity (by Sara Bareilles)

But you're neither friend nor foe though

I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that

You're keeping me down.

You’re on to me and all over…

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

i must be lonely...

for the past week, i've always woken up during witching hour and always excited about something. it's not the emily rose thing where blood drips from somewhere. it's more like anxiety attacks and the feeling that every bone wants to jump out of my body.

yesterday, it was the job interview for a position i really want.

today, it's finally going out and listening to the music i so missed.

i wonder what it'll be tomorrow.

Song of the Day: 3AM (by Matchbox 20)

She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to

And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days

She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway

But outside its stopped raining

ex-communication

i promised pambie that i will move on and i am trying to. i have been able to function for two hours now and that's not bad.

they say all real pain lasts for exactly 12 minutes from the time it was first inflicted and anything other than that is self-torture. i vow not to torture myself. i think 30 hours is enough to vanquish the memories of an almost lover.

it's time for the ritual. no, i will not burn photos nor will i throw away old messages. i will just keep them without expectations. the night has passed and today is a brand new day.

i will breathe, keep myself busy, say a little prayer and for one last time, bid him goodbye with a "God bless" and "thank you."

Song of the Hour: Bell, Book and Candle (by Eddi Reader)

Just before the thunder roars

I sense you next to me

And as I move through nature

I know where you will be

So I must keep myself apart, here is where I'll stay

With a bell, book and candle to keep your ghost away

almost lover

i am officially the wife of nightfall.

it's my month and my year and my life.

i can let go if i just breathe deep and not expect anything.

i survived through this more than once and wished happiness upon many others.

why should now be any different?

i will walk on sunshine once more

if i just breathe.

Song of the Hour: I Wish You Love (by Frank Sinatra)

My breaking heart and I agree that you and I could never be,

So with my best, my very best, I set you free.

I wish you shelter from the storm,

A cozy fire to keep you warm,

But, most of all, when snowflakes fall,

I wish you love.

note: whoa!this is too much to take in the span of less than 12 hours. two entries in two hours should tell you something

Bittersweet

And you stood before me knowing that the wings I have you gave.
And that’s just the way it goes now.
And I barely have the breath to breathe much less to fly away.
And that’s just the way it goes now.
And a silence entered the room for a one last,
"I’m gonna love you."
So God bless and thank you.

Song of the day: Bittersweet by Sara Bareilles

It was indeed bittersweet.
A memory of walking up the stairs only to find my world had stopped for five seconds.
He is halfway around the world and I am now ready to let go of the "I love you, Sabado" songs.
A visit to reaffirm the friendship that disguised itself as something more.

Top the bar, he said. It's a long shot but will try although there is no promise in that.

Thank you for your faith in me.
They're celebrating 5 years of being together. Happy Anniversary, ID. I wish all the happiness for both of you.

The Last Goodbye

I was cleaning my room and found my old diary from summer camp in Ohio. Well, sabi nga ni Pambie, lahat tayo corny nung teenagers so at the risk of being judged for mushiness, sentimentality and cluelessness... let me quote from the diary narrating the goodbye scene. It was the August 2, 1996 entry. I won't mention names but the details are very specific so if he remembers, he's gonna figure it out eventually...

I didn't know how to say goodbye to _________. xxx He came up to me and hugged me for five seconds that seemed to last forever. I told him "You smell like onions (private joke)." And he said, "I know. Bye." I could still smell his cologne (which, let me tell you was intoxicating). I could remember that look in his eyes last night while he was dancing with me. I could still feel his hug and hear his voice when he said "I know. Bye."

Before he left, he wrote something on my notebook and told me not to read it until I got on the plane. I opened it the minute I got on the plane and it said "I love you very much." One sentence brought back the daily morning arguments about milk on Cheerios, holding hands while walking during a trip to Paramount Park, long afternoons at the cafetorium (oh, man, can't believe I still remember that), private jokes about Coca-cola and onions. We were teen-agers who never gave a thought about what would happen after summer.

That was eleven years ago. It was a crush. I've grown up and so has he. We were both meant for greater things.

God bless and thank you

I now understand the real meaning of regret.

Pagkakataon mo na i-hug! Yes, I should have listened to Pambie. I've got nothing to lose anyway. And as conceited as it may sound, I think you expected it too. Of course, I never delivered. Don't ask me why. I don't know either. I've got nothing to lose anyway.

The only love worth fighting for is one that you can win and

That’s just the way it goes now.

You would not break but you could bend

And for love’s sake you let love end

But I still swear that you were God sent

One year ago, we were almost inseparable and now, the curse of Nikki strikes again. I should've let you know early on... fate plays with the destinies of the men in my life. They go forth and multiply without meaning to, they flunk out of school, they fail a subject or two. I think it's the reason I never wanted to give you any clue as to how I felt. Well, it was kind of a cat-and-mouse game. From the beginning, I knew this was pointless and my only goal throughout this whole thing was not to get caught, lest you get hit by the curse too. I'm superstitious and I don't want to be held accountable if you get hit by lightning, fall off the stairs or trapped in an elevator. Maybe that's why I never entertained actually doing what Pambie suggested. Instead, I made up a lame excuse that I might not be able to control myself and I may kiss you or never let you go (remember, jokes are half-meant).

I call you misplaced but never a waste of my time

Everybody’s gonna make mistakes

But you’ll never be one of mine

Now you're on your way to a new chapter and like all the men in my life, you left me to watch you walk away. One year ago today, I would always get these little messages, phone calls, emails with "Thanks. God bless..." at the end. I used to joke around saying that it was our version of "I love you." I don't get those messages now, not since the reason for you to give me messages ceased to exist. I guess it's for the better-- it'll be easier to let go this way.

I've said almost everything I needed to say... not to your face but at least I got it out of my system. Now I can wish you good luck with a lighter heart and I can say this one last time...

And you stood before me knowing that the wings I have, you gave

And that’s just the way it goes

And I barely have the breath to breathe much less to fly away

And a silence entered the room for a one last "I’m gonna love you."

So God bless and thank you.

Song of the Day: Bittersweet (Sara Bareilles)

A moment of weakness

it's been a while since i've felt like this. i guess it's all that rain... it always rained when he was around. i'm content and sometimes i truly believe i'm happy but there's always a moment when everything crashes down on me. i guess the rain's there to wash it all away. i now thank God for the rain. it means a lot to me... almost as much as it means to the farmers who've been waiting for water to come down from the heavens.

and now that the moment's over, i can go back to my normal life (whatever that is).

Just A Little Hole... Just Another Sad Post

Almost everyone has the same story, don't you think? San Francisco is a thousand miles away. -batgirl95

Fare Thee Well

posted by tingkerbell (edited by arwen) at http://www.peyups.com/

The moment you read this, I will be a thousand miles away from you. I know you wouldn’t even care less and I’m not really sure what I could make out of that. Look, I have no intensions of pestering you as you say you have a busy schedule. There’s just something I wish to convey before I finally let go of this feeling, move on, and live my life. I don’t really give out letters like this to those people I fancy, it always seemed so easy for me to talk to them and give them a piece of my mind. Just couldn’t figure out why I find it so difficult for me to have a word with you regarding this matter. I know I started this whole insane sh*t at the wrong foot. What I thought was just a big joke turned out to be something that devoured me. I didn’t have any idea that it was going to eat me whole. Had I known, I shouldn’t have indulged myself onto it. I thought I was in control, something I’m used to being all the time. And when I noticed that I wasn’t and that I’m slowly slipping away to my typical controlled self, it scared the hell out of me. YOU scared the hell out of me. So I went back to my usual routine again: going out, meeting new people, and trying to enjoy their company - to keep my mind off you. But I should have known better. It was useless, utterly futile…all in vain.

I often wonder what it is with you that made me feel this. You made me feel all those stupid mixed emotions all at the same time. And it was then that I figured out that I was in deep shit. I had my pride. I tried to conceal it to everyone, to you, and even to myself. I knew what our friends are like. They’d surely make a big laugh out of me. I can already see them with their eyes wide open as if I have just said the most absurd thing. See, it was always a conscious effort to be cool whenever you’re around. To act natural, to be left unnoticed. It wasn’t easy, I swear.

But I’m only human. I also get tired. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t care at all. Tired of using that nonchalant façade every time I hear them talking about you, or hear them talk about something that reminded me of you.

What we had was not something substantial, I must admit. I don’t even know what your last name is, which school you came from, or even your favorite color. But know that for the short span of time that I have known you, it was pure bliss. And for that, I want to thank you for the incredible memories that would forever be etched within me, those would bring out the best smile in me as I reminisce. Please don’t get me wrong here. I don’t intend to attract attention from you. i dont even expect anything from you after having this. I just feel the need to do this. For myself. For no other reason but to put you all behind me.

I loved you, this I'm certain.

So anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this…if you did read on. I have just unloaded something that has eaten most of my time lately. Somehow, I feel a lot okay now. I’m looking forward to seeing you again. And when that time comes, I will be ready to be friends with you…without pretensions.

It will be better that way.

Departure: The End of the Affair

In one episode of Samurai X, Kenshin told Misao, “I know what it feels like to have a burning emptiness in your heart. But sometimes, we have to learn to live without them.”

I watched him get up after putting his books in his bag. He started walking toward the exit. In some weird way, he reminded me of a little boy on the way to school. I sighed as I glanced back at the desk he was occupying not two minutes ago. I miss his books piled on the desk, filled with marks of his yellow highlighter and stars drawn beside important points. I miss seeing him hunched over the notes and books, pen in one hand, the other running through his hair that never stayed in place.

I looked back at his retreating figure opening the door and walking out of the library. It’s always been this way, I was getting left behind, watching him walk away. It’s been years since we did the cha-cha in this very library...since I started this live-in relationship in my own demented little head that eventually led to heartache.

A lot of time has passed... of stealing glances at each other across the rows and columns of desks at the library. Four sets of midterm exams and four sets of finals spent at the library trying to study—and succeeding because he was there. And now, as I watch him walk away, I feel like he’s walking away from two years of kilig and embarrassing moments. It was two years’ worth of unanswered questions and unsaid words.

I stand up and clear my desk of the books. I sling my bag over my left shoulder and start walking toward the exit. I wonder if he ever sighed and glanced back at my desk at one time. I wonder if he missed the books piled on my desk, filled with marks of my pink highlighter and doodles along the margins. Did he ever look at my retreating figure and felt this same pain because we were never meant to spend our lives together? Did the past few years ever mean anything to him?

I ran into him half a year ago. His face stood out among the crowd, the result of searching for him every Sunday morning. He looked straight at me with the blank expression I knew so well. I felt my heart jump at the sight of him and that was the last time I ever saw him. I watched him walk away from me once more, a step closer to fulfilling his plan, one which I will never be part of. I always knew that we were never going to be together but despite that, I always hoped that he would find a reason to stay and that somehow, that the reason would be me.

By this time next week, he'll be gone and it'll be a long time before I see him again, if I ever do. The tears wouldn't stop flowing but maybe this is the sign that I've been praying for. A sign that I should have left the library before he did. I should have left him behind before things got complicated—before I was on the brink of falling in love with him. I realize now that it’s time to let go. I promise myself that I will do everything in my power to accept that affairs never last and the other woman never wins.

They say time does not heal all wounds, it just soothes the pain. There will come a day that I will be able to watch him walk away and smile at the memory of how giddy I used to be and not feel the constant burning pain in my heart. There will be a time that I will be able to accept that I just have to go on without him… and I believe I can.

A Long Walk To Forever by Kurt Vonnegut

They had grown up next door to each other, on the fringe of a city, near fields and woods and orchards, within sight of a lovely bell tower that belonged to a school for the blind.

Now they were twenty, had not seen each other for nearly a year. There had always been playful, comfortable warmth between them, but never any talk of love.

His name was Newt. Her name was Catharine. In the early afternoon, Newt knocked on Catharine's front door.

Catharine came to the door. She was carrying a fat, glossy magazine she had been reading.The magazine was devoted entirely to brides. "Newt!" she said. She was surprised to see him.

"Could you come for a walk?" he said. He was a shy person, even with Catharine. He covered his shyness by speaking absently as though what really concerned him were faraway--as though he were a secret agent pausing briefly on a mission between beautiful, distant,and sinister points. This manner of speaking had always been Newt's style, even in matters that concerned him desperately.

"A walk?" said Catharine.

"One foot in front of the other," said Newt, "through leaves, over bridges---"

"I had no idea you were in town," she said.

"Just this minute got in," he said. "Still in the Army, I see," she said.

"Seven months more to go," he said. He was a private first class in the Artillery. His uniform was rumpled. His shoes were dusty. He needed a shave. He held out his hand for the magazine."Let's see the pretty book," he said.

She gave it to him. "I'm getting married, Newt," she said.

"I know," he said. "Let's go for a walk."

"I'm awfully busy, Newt," she said. "The wedding is only a week away."

"If we go for a walk," he said, "it will make you rosy. It will make you a rosy bride." He turned the pages of the magazine. "A rosy bride like her--like her--like her," he said, showing her rosy brides.

Catharine turned rosy, thinking about rosy brides.

"That will be my present to Henry Stewart Chasens," said Newt. "By taking you for a walk,I'll be giving him a rosy bride." "

You know his name?" she said.

"Mother wrote," he said. "From Pittsburgh?"

"Yes," she said. "You'd like him."

"Maybe," he said.

"Can--can you come to the wedding, Newt?" she said.

"That I doubt," he said.

"Your furlough isn't for long enough?" she said.

"Furlough?" said Newt. He was studying a two page ad for flat silver. "I'm not on furlough," he said.

"Oh?" she said.

"I'm what they call A.W.O.L.," said Newt.

"Oh, Newt! You're not!" she said.

"Sure I am," he said, still looking at the magazine.

"Why, Newt?" she said.

"I had to find out what your silver pattern is," he said. He read names of silver patterns from the magazine. "Albemarle? Heather?" he said. "Legend? Rambler Rose?" He looked up, smiled. "I plan to give you and your husband a spoon," he said.

"Newt, Newt--tell me really," she said.

"I want to go for a walk," he said.

She wrung her hands in sisterly anguish. "Oh, Newt--you're fooling me about being A.W.O.L.," she said.

Newt imitated a police siren softly, and raised his eyebrows.

"Where--where from?"

"Fort Bragg," he said.

"North Carolina?" she said.

"That's right," he said. "Near Fayetteville--where Scarlet O'Hara went to school."

"How did you get here, Newt?" she said.

He raised his thumb, jerked it in a hitchhike gesture. "Two days," he said.

"Does your mother know?" she said.

"I didn't come to see my mother," he told her.

"Who did you come to see?" she said.

"You," he said.

"Why me?" she said.

"Because I love you," he said. "Now can we take a walk?" he said. "One foot in front of theother--through leaves, over bridges--"

They were taking the walk now, were in a woods with a brown-leaf floor.

Catharine was angry and rattled, close to tears. "Newt," she said, "this is absolutely crazy."

"How so?" said Newt.

"What a crazy time to tell me you love me," she said. "You never talked that way before." She stopped walking.

"Let's keep walking," he said.

"No," she said. "So far, no farther. I shouldn't have come out with you at all," she said.

"You did," he said.

"To get you out of the house," she said. "If somebody walked in and heard you talking to methat way, a week before the wedding--"

"What would they think?" he said.

"They'd think you were crazy," she said.

"Why?" he said

Catharine took a deep breath, made a speech. "Let me say that I'm deeply honored by this crazy thing you've done," she said. "I can't believe you're really A.W.O.L., but maybe you are. I can't believe you really love me, but maybe you do. But--"

"I do," said Newt.

"Well, I'm deeply honored," said Catharine, "and I'm very fond of you as a friend, Newt, extremely fond--but it's just too late." She took a step away from him. "You've never even kissed me," she said, and she protected herself with her hands. "I don't mean you should do it now. I just mean that this is all so unexpected. I haven't got the remotest idea of how to respond."

"Just walk some more," he said. "Have a nice time." They started walking again.

"How did you expect me to react?" she said.

"How would I know what to expect?" he said. "I've never done anything like this before."

"Did you think I would throw myself into your arms?" she said.

"Maybe," he said. "I'm sorry to disappoint you," she said.

"I'm not disappointed," he said. "I wasn't counting on it. This is very nice, just walking."

Catharine stopped again. "You know what happens next?" she said.

"Nope," he said.

"We shake hands," she said. "We shake hands and part friends," she said. "That's whathappens next."

Newt nodded. "All right," he said. "Remember me from time to time. Remember how muchI loved you."

Involuntarily, Catharine burst into tears. She turned her back to Newt, looked into the infinite colonnade of the woods.

"What does that mean?" said Newt.

"Rage!" said Catharine. She clenched her hands. "You have no right--"

"I had to find out," he said.

"If I'd loved you," she said, "I would have let you know before now."

"You would?" he said.

"Yes," she said. She faced him, looked up at him, her face quite red. "You would have known," she said.

"How?" he said.

"You would have seen it," she said. "Women aren't very clever at hiding it."

Newt looked closely at Catharine's face now. To her consternation, she realized that what she had said was true, that a woman couldn't hide love.

Newt was seeing love now.

And he did what he had to do. He kissed her.

"You're hell to get along with!" she said when Newt let her go.

"I am?" said Newt.

"You shouldn't have done that," she said.

"You didn't like it?" he said.

"What did you expect," she said--"wild, adandoned passion?"

"I keep telling you," he said," I never know what's going to happen next."

"We say good-by," she said.

He frowned slightly. "All right," he said.

She made another speech. "I'm not sorry we kissed," she said. "That was sweet. We should have kissed, we've been so close. I'll always remember you , Newt, and good luck."

"You too," he said. "Thirty days," he said.

"What?" she said.

"Thirty days in the stockade," he said--"that's what one kiss will cost me."

"I--I'm sorry," she said, "but I didn't ask you to go A.W.O.L."

"I know," he said.

"You certainly don't deserve any hero's reward for doing something as foolish as that," she said.

"Must be nice to be a hero," said Newt. "Is Henry Stewart Chasens a hero?"

"He might be, if he got the chance," said Catharine. She noted uneasily that they had begun to walk again. The farewell had been forgotten.

"You really love him?" he said.

"Certainly I love him!" she said hotly. "I wouldn't marry him if I didn't love him!"

"What's good about him?" said Newt.

"Honestly!" she cried, stopping again. "Do you have any idea how offensive you're being?Many, many, many things are good about Henry! Yes," she said, "and many, many, many things are probably bad, too. But that isn't any of your business. I love Henry, and I don't have to arguehis merits with you!"

"Sorry," said Newt.

"Honestly!" said Catharine.

Newt kissed her again. He kissed her again because she wanted him to.

They were now in a large orchard.

"How did we get so far from home, Newt?" said Catharine.

"One foot in front of the other--through leaves, over bridges," said Newt.

"They add up--the steps," she said.

Bells rang in the tower of the school for the blind nearby.

"School for the blind," said Newt.

"School for the blind," said Catharine. She shook her head in drowsy wonder. "I've got to goback now," she said.

"Say good-by," said Newt.

"Every time I do," said Catharine, "I seem to get kissed."

Newt sat down on the close-cropped grass under an apple tree. "Sit down," he said.

"No," she said.

"I won't touch you," he said.

"I don't believe you," she said.

She sat down under another tree, twenty feet away from him. She closed her eyes.

"Dream of Henry Stewart Chasens," he said.

"What?" she said.

"Dream of your wonderful husband-to-be," he said.

"All right, I will," she said. She closed her eyes tighter, caught glimpses of her husband-to-be. Newt yawned.

The bees were humming in the trees, and Catharine almost fell asleep. When she opened her eyes she saw that Newt really was asleep.

He began to snore softly.

Catharine let him sleep for an hour, and while he slept she adored him with all her heart. The shadows of the apple trees grew to the east. The bells in the tower of the school for theblind rang again. "*chick-a-dee-dee-dee*," went a chickadee.

Somewhere far away an automobile started nagged and failed, nagged and failed, fell still. Catharine came out from under her tree, knelt by Newt.

"Newt?" she said.

"H'm?" he said. He opened his eyes.

"Late," she said.

"Hello, Catharine," he said.

"Hello, Newt," she said.

"I love you," he said.

"I know," she said.

"Too late," he said.

"Too late," she said.

He stood, stretched groaningly. "A very nice walk," he said.

"I thought so," she said.

"Part company here?" he said.

"Where will you go?" she said.

"Hitch into town, turn myself in," he said.

"Good luck," she said.

"You too," he said. "Marry me, Catharine?"

"No," she said.

He smiled, stared at her hard for a moment, then walked away quickly. Catharine watched him grow smaller in the long perspective of shadows and trees, knew that if he stopped and turned now, if he called to her, she would run to him. She would have no choice.

Newt did stop. He did turn. He did call. "Catharine," he called.

She ran to him, put her arms aroud him, could not speak.

(a short story in Vonnegut's Welcome to the Monkeyhouse)

An Exorcism

You cannot quit me so quickly

There's no hope in you for me

I am supposed to be studying, now that the sun has gone down but instead, I unconsciously resurrect a ghost from the past-- you.

I have been haunted by ghosts before and I've banished them into oblivion by burying myself in work, any kind of work. I obsess about something else until they go away on their own. Out of sight, out of mind. Somehow, it doesn't work this time. Running away isn't the solution. Ghosts, they say, have unfinished business. So maybe I need to tell your ghost how I really feel, to let out the words that were never said at the right moment. I think it's high time we finish this now...

We waste the hours with talking

These twisted games we play

We're strange allies with warring hearts

What a wild-eyed beast you'd be

I loved you, though I doubt you realized what was going on... you tend to be stupid sometimes you know. Really insensitive too. I tried to change for you, thought of you as my good luck charm because ever since I met you, everything seemed to go my way. And when you left, things went haywire.

I don't think you would ever know how much you meant to me even if I printed it on a giant billboard and put it up along EDSA. You'd probably shrug it off or smile then drive away.

I just had to let go. I knew we weren't going anywhere-- that this constant thumping of my heart was pointless. You don't hear it anyway. And it was too much for me. I exerted all this effort and you barely even noticed. All you did was to take advantage of the fact that I would do almost anything for you.

Look at us spinning off in the madness of a roller coaster

You know you went off like a devil in church

In the middle of a crowded room

All we can do my love

Is hope we don't take this ship down

Now, as I try to study, I remember how giddy I used to feel whenever you were around... how I used to take the time to fix my hair, pick out my clothes just to make myself prettier for you. I felt I was never good enough for you. With every page I read, I remember the moment we were in the same room, trying to decipher the same paragraphs of the same cases. How you sat on my chair, held my book, gave me a sheet of paper, borrowed my pen, smiled at me... but now, it's time to let it all go. It's all in the past.

The space between the bullets in our firefight

Is where I'll be hiding waiting for you...

The space between our wicked lies

Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

I tried letting you go before. Every time I try, you seem to find a way to weasel your way back into my heart. Of course, the pushover that I was (and still am sometimes), I let you in. I fall for the little tricks and you just walk back into my life... literally. I tested that out-of-sight, out-of-mind theory and I suddenly run into you everywhere I go.

I promised myself once that I would let it go when I'm ready, and that I would be happy without you. You're certainly happy without me. I was perfectly okay for the twenty one years prior to meeting you. I'm sure I'll be okay again. I made it through worse things. And I will make it through this- scratched, bruised, beat but not beaten. And definitely alive.

Now that I've said everything I want to say, I guess I can go back to studying. Maybe there's no particular way to exorcise you, no magic spells, no prayers but I'm sure of one thing, I got rid of the unfinished business. I have to turn my attention back to the books now and hopefully, I won't see your face on its pages.

The space between your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time

You know what... I'm rambling. I never rambled before I met you. I just thought I should let you know.

You move in slow degrees, a sudden memory

You're a Leonard Cohen song

But every now and then I'd swear I'd see you standing

On a sidewalk, in a restaurant

From a taxi passing by...

-Under You (Better Than Ezra)

From the Sicilian by Mario Puzo

"To him, it was an act of submission that held the seed for a fatal treachery but in that moment, he felt what he had never felt before-- a suffusion in the body to kneel before another human being and swear yourself to an alien slavery."

As Mario Puzo described Turi Guiliano's experience of falling in love

Reminiscing the Lib Affair (para sa Kenshin ng buhay ko)

(submitted to www.peyups.com)

Una kitang nakita sa library. No wonder regular na third year law student ka. Sa library ka na naka-tira eh. Ikaw na ata ang nagbubukas at nagsasara ng lib. Kung dun ka nakatira, pwes, simula midterms, live-in na tayo dun.

Ang gwapo mo kaya lang kulang ka sa height. Hindi ka kasi naglulunch kaya hindi ka na tumangkad. Tumayo ka naman at pumunta sa canteen saglit. O gusto mo, dalhan kita ng pagkain? Kaya ko namang itakas yun eh. Pag nahuli ako, kaya ko rin namang bolahin yung librarian para payagan na ipasok ko yung hotshots sa library.

Lumipas na ang midterms at kahit walang exam, sa library na ako nag-aaral. Ikaw lang ang lalaking naging magandang impluwensya sa pag-aaral ko. Alam mo bang ikaw lang ang dahilan bakit ako natutong maglibrary? Akala ko noon pag more than two hours akong nagstay sa library, mamamatay ako. Ang nakakatawa pa, pag wala ka dun, hindi ako nakakapag-aral. Hinahanap lang kita, mababali na ata ang leeg ko sa kalilingon kung saan ka nakaupo. Pag nasa library ka naman, okay na ako. Malakas ang loob kong mag-aral kasi alam kong malapit ka lang. Para bang may sense of security pag nandun ka. Kakaiba ka alam mo ba yun? Kaya lang ang torpe mo. Gwapo ka nga (kahit kapos sa height), sobrang talino, maganda boses, magaling sa recitations, masipag, mayaman... bakit ka torpe?

Alam mo na ngang crush na crush kita. Hello? Ilang beses mo na ba akong nahuhuling nakatingin sa iyo? Feeling ko nga naikukwento mo ako sa best friend mong bakulaw kasi pati siya tumitingin na rin sa akin. Nai-imagine ko na ang sinasabi mo: "Pare, yung irreg na second year na yun, may crush ata sa kin." Alam mo bang nakakahiyang malaman mo na irreg ako kasi pag tinabi ako sa iyo, walang kwenta na naretain ako sa law school, walang kwenta na hindi ako nabokya sa recitation... kapag nakikita kita, nanliliit ako parang virus na sobrang bobo. Ang taas kasi ng tingin ko sa iyo (kahit magka-height lang tayo... hehehe).

Nahuhuli na rin kitang nakatitig sa akin. Yung tipong nakakatakot na titig kasi hindi ko alam kung gusto mo rin ako o kung nagfi-feeling ka lang kasi bukong buko mo na ako. Nung isang araw lang, nakasalubong kita sa may hagdan. Papunta akong library kasi may naiwan kami doon. Ikaw naman, pupunta ka na sa classroom mo kasi may exam ka pa sa CivPro. Nagkatitigan nanaman tayo for about five seconds. Parang tumigil ang buong mundo ko. Nagulat lang ako at nung medyo napagtanto natin na late ka na sa exam, bumaba ka na at pumasok na kami ng classmate ko sa lib. Tulala ako for fifteen whole minutes, sabi nung classmate ko. "Hoy, magreact ka naman!" sabi niya sa akin. Ang reaction ko lang, "Ha?" Ganun ang effect mo sa akin. Maganda, nakakakilig.

Tumigil na akong maniwala sa soulmate, at MFEO... pero tuwing nakikita kita napapaisip ako... maybe you're my "match," sabi nga sa Ever After. Kasi tuwing naiisip ko noon, pag nakita ko ang soulmate ko, titigil ang mundo kapag nagkatinginan kami sa mata. Tumigil nga ang mundo ko nang makita kita.

Patapos na ang sem. Hindi ko alam kung pababalikin pa ako sa law school next sem dahil baka ibagsak ko yung subject na tine-take 2 ko. School policy: you fail twice, you are the weakest link. Goodbye. Hindi man lang kita nakausap kahit yung excuse me lang.

Ang legal term sa live-in is a common law marriage. It either ends up in a legal marriage or no marriage at all. Saan kaya magtatapos yung common-law relationship natin sa library? Makapunta na ngang law library nang malaman ko. Sana nandun ka para makapag-aral ako. Sige ka, pag bumagsak ako, kasalanan mo. Wala ka kasi doon.

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Author's Note:I am fully aware na pag bumagsak ako, hindi niya talaga kasalanan pero kelangan ko lang siya mabigyan ng character flaw to prove he's only human. I have not found one yet kaya I created one instead. When I find one, I'll be the first to let you know.

Update:

I didn't fail that subject. Come to think of it, I never failed a subject in all the time we were at the library together.

The last time I saw him was half a year ago. The affair lasted for three years. He has moved out since and I have held on, waiting for the moment when I'm ready to let go.