new year's realization

a pimple made me realize that i am afraid i am afraid that someone in particular will lose his rose-colored glasses and realize i am not perfection incarnate.

Song of the Day: Good Enough (by Sarah Mclachlan)
So just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you

year-end bonus

i am letting go of 2009 with a greatful heart and a smile on my face.

bring it on, 2010.

Song of the Day: Defying Gravity (from the musical "Wicked")
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity

49th

they bring out the best in me.

Song of the Day: Thank You (by Dido)
My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad

annual chaos

somehow, i feel this christmas will be better.
no space on the floor
no sleep
no rest
no concept of light traffic
and most of all...

NO COMPLICATIONS.

It's going to be a very Merry Christmas indeed.

Song of the Day: White Christmas
Where the treetops glisten
And children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow...

IT

there is a more terrifying prospect than a fictional clown that lives in the sewers of a small town... people who have shamelessly taken opportunity of a tragedy. it's just a game to them-- a money-making scheme and a popularity contest.

all of them.

IT has begun.

Song of the Day: Kangaroo Cry (by Blue October)
We’ve lost respect for decency
When one can turn our world into an ant pile
We run circles, no direction do I see
The dust has blinded you, the dust has blinded me

Another Kwentong Peyups

I Heart LB

(published by PDI on July 12, 2008) by Nielsen Oliva

"But it’s always you I run home to, take me back, take me home away from here back to where I am free" -"Los Baños" by Sugarfree

Dalawang oras mula sa usok-infested streets of Metro Manila matatagpuan ang aking personal heaven dito sa mundo. Matanaw ko pa lang ang Mt. Makiling mula sa South Superhighway, kinikilig na ako. Wala naman akong girlfriend sa LB. Lalo nang wala ding boyfriend. Kahit ka-fling na pwedeng balikan, wala naman akong pupuntahan. Pero yung feeling pwede mong itulad sa pagpunta mo sa bahay ng mahal mo matapos ang isang buwang walang pag-uusap o pagkikita.

Nasa LB ang org ko, pero hindi naman kami close ng mga orgmates, actually parang iwas pa nga sila sa kin e. Nandito sa Metro Manila ang mga kaibigan ko. Nasa Pasig ang pamilya ko. Wala naman akong ancestral roots sa Los Baños. Mayroon lang talagang hindi maintindihang connection sa pagitan ko at ng napakagandang lugar na to.

Bakit kaya ako napaibig sa Los Baños?

Suspect #1: Yung environment.

Kasi sa umaga, ang sarap langhapin ng hangin. Ang sarap panligo nung mainit na tubig na lumalabas sa gripo. Lalo na pag may matinding hangover, ang sarap pantanggal ng sakit ng ulo. Lalabas ka ng bahay, maririnig mo yung iba't-ibang huni ng mga ibon. Dadampi sa mukha mo yung lamig ng simoy ng hangin, at didikit sa sapatos mo yung damo na nabasa sa hamog.

Hindi ko kayang lakarin ang Ayala Avenue from EDSA to Buendia, pero pag sa LB, kahit doblehin pa yung same distance, wala akong reklamo. Kahit ilang milyong bumbilya pa ang ilagay mo sa mga building ng Makati, walang tatalo sa napakagandang backdrop ng LB, ang Mt. Makiling. Minsan magtataka ka, sa isang araw na wala kang makikitang ulap, makikita mong nakatambay ang mga clouds sa tuktok ng bundok na ito.

Suspect #2: Yung pagkain.

Wala namang pinagkaiba yung pagkain sa LB kumpara sa Manila e. Sa totoo lang, hindi din ako madalas kumain ng buko pie. Madaming kainan sa LB, pero ginawa kong suspect yung pagkain kasi napamahal talaga ako sa nanay ko dahil siya yung araw-araw na nagluluto ng laman-tiyan ko. Kung gagawa ako ng list ng "The Best LB Food", nasa menu ko ang mantika-licious Ellen's Fried Chicken, yung Pinoy-style siomai sa Papu's, yung Doner Durum (LB version ng shawarma), yung dinuguan na binebenta sa Lapitan's Meat Shop, yung chocolate cake ng Mer-Nel's, yung tokwa sa IC's bar, at syempre ang aking all-time favorite na Bug-Ong Roasted Chicken. May natikman pa akong bagong panalong chibog, yung sa Ihaw Express na malapit sa White House.

Kahit sinong taga-LB ang tanungin ninyo, sasabihin nya na mas masarap ang Lucky Me Pancit Canton na niluto sa LB kesa sa niluto sa kung saang lugar.

Suspect #3: Yung inuman.

Kung magtatayo ka ng business sa LB na ayaw mong malugi, magtayo ka ng liquor shop o kaya ng affordable na bar. Dahil may kasabihan nga na "hindi ka taga-LB kung hindi ka marunong uminom". Madaming resto-bar sa LB, pero nothing beats the house parties. Bago pa sumikat yung gin-pomelo sa Manila, yun na yung iniinom namin. Madami pa kaming nagawang kakaibang cocktail. Yung Kamehame Wave (vodka + ice tea), yung POGi (pineapple + orange + gin), yung FuKiKo (fundador, hershey's kisses, tsaka kape), yung Boracay (Tanduay + 3-in-1 coffee mix + evap), at ang walang kamatayang Piña ColaTa (pineapple + coke + tanduay). Sa LB, mas maganda ang tagayan kaysa kanya-kanyang kuha ng inom. At shempre kulang ang inom pag walang home-made pulutan tulad ng Kilawing Cornick at ang sikat na sikat na Tuna-Skyflakes.

Suspect #4 Yung mga tao.

Ewan ko lang ngayon pero nung nandoon pa ako sa LB, walang social climber. Walang pa-sosyal dun. Yung mga galing sa mga mayayayamang pamilya (coñio in layman's terms), kailangang mag-fit in sa masa. Hindi importante ang porma. Kahit naka-pambahay na damit at tsinelas ka pag papasok, tanggap ka na ng lipunan. Kaya yung mga kilala ko na taga-UP Diliman dati, hindi ma-gets yung mga kwento ko kung gaano kami ka-barok sa UPLB. "How baboy naman the pig", ika nga nila.

Walang mapagkunwari sa LB. Siguro dahil nga small town lang to, lahat magkakakilala. Kung may pino-protektahan kang image, eventually, lahat ng baho mo lalabas din. Kaya mas magandang ilabas mo na yung totoong ikaw kasi mas mapapasama kung mabubuko ka lang.

Suspect #5 Yung memories.

Ahhh. The memories. Siguro sa lahat ng suspect ko, eto ang parang "Mastermind". Pag nakasakay ako ng jeep sa LB, o kaya kahit naglalakad lang, hindi ko naiiwasang tumingin sa isang bahay, sa isang bar, o sa isang kainan, at sabihin sa sarili ang mga bagay na tulad ng "uy, diyan yung first kiss ko sa 3rd girlfriend ko", o kaya "diyan sa bangketang yan natulog yung brod ko nung nalasing", o kaya "diyan kami pinakitaan ng multo". Halos lahat ng lugar sa LB, may naiwan akong memory doon. May mga napalitang mga establishments, pero may itatayong bago na maaring pag-iwanan ulit ng alaala. Kung tutuusin, ang LB ay isang buhay na diary para sa kin. Bawat lugar, isang pahina. Bawat araw, isang linya.

Madaming hindi nakakaintindi sa akin kung bakit pabalik-balik ako sa Los Baños, lalo na yung mga batchmates ko noong college. Lagi ko nang naririnig yung mga phrases na "Grow up", "Move on with your life", "Leave the past behind", "Wala ka na sa stage ng buhay mo na college ka pa din". Masakit marinig, pero may point nga sila.

Kaya minsan, tinanong ko yung housemate ko na umuuwi sa LB every weekend. Sabi ko "bakit kaya ako bumabalik sa LB eh isinusuka na ako ng mga tao doon, wala naman akong binabalikan, wala naman akong napapala?"

At hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang sinabi nya.

"Tinatanong pa ba yan? HOME. Home is where the heart is."

sunday lesson

"please pray for me because the task ahead is great and i am too small."
- Fr. Soc Villegas, during his Thanksgiving Mass this morning

we are all too small for the tasks given to each of us.

Song of the Day: Sowing the Seeds of Love (by Tears for Fears)
High time we take a stand
And shook up the views of the common man
And the love train rides from coast to coast

i had a dream

fourteen years ago, i dreamed of being exactly where i am now, doing exactly what i'm doing.

Song of the Day: Coming Home (by The Nadas)
The leaves are blowing in the wind
Night time's colder than it's been
And my hair is long again.
My feet are buried in the sand
Legs stretched out further than they can
With stars in my hands
I feel my head begin to spin
It's three months till winter blows its end
I need a change of air.

reposted...

REPOSTING FROM: http://jenniepperson.com


According to Blog Ni Ella, these goods have not been distributed to the typhoon survivors. WHY?

Ella wrote on her (now blocked) blog: (her blog was ellaganda.com and it is now blocked)

Aanhin pa ang damo kung patay na ang kabayo? (A special report from a volunteer)

Oct 21st, 2009 by ella

Dear friends,

I’m asking your help to spread the word. Tulungan po ninyo akong ikalat ito. Beyond this, we should also demand action. I disabled a plugin so you can copy the photos of relief goods rotting in DSWD warehouses. You can link this post to your blogs, facebook, websites etc. You can also email the photos.

Philippine News (US based Philippine newspaper) will use this as its front page story this week. Every Filipino has the right to know where the tons of donations from the UN and other counties go. Kahit po nakakahiya sa mga nag-donate. Kung sa ganitong paraan, matutulungan natin ang mga nasalanta, then by all means, let’s do it.

For those who have the time, please try to volunteer sa DSWD warehouses. Getting in was not easy. A friend had to put in a word for us. Let’s see kung madali nang makapasok sa DSWD warehouse ang mga volunteers.

Please read on and good luck to us.

Ella

(This post was last edited Oct 22, 12:30 pm)

Kahapon, tinanong ng Philippine News si DSWD Secretary Esperanza Cabral:

Editor of Philippine News: Why are the relief goods in DSWD warehouses not moving?

DSWD Secretary Esperanza Cabral: Wala kasing volunteers.

This short interview was done over the phone. Philippine News wanted to hear her side pero ayaw niyang makipag-usap sa press. After four tries, pinasabi na lang niya ang maikling sagot na ito sa secretary niya - “Walang volunteers”.

I don’t want to accuse her of corruption but at the very least she is showing signs of being totally incompetent. We are in a state of calamity where every second counts. May namamatay araw-araw dahil sa sakit.

In my opinion, these deaths could have been prevented if Secretary Cabral had tried a little harder to do her job.

Deaths from Philippine storms nears 1,000

“Tropical Storm Ketsana left 420 dead and 37 missing when it flooded 80 percent of Manila on September 26, a disaster the government said affected 4.35 million people.




Some areas are still flooded three weeks later and 189,000 people remain in evacuation centres,





Typhoon Parma hit the northern Philippines on October 3 and lingered as a tropical storm for a week, triggering landslides that killed 438 people and leaving 51 missing mostly in mountain communities.




The government agency said Parma affected 4.16 million people, including more than 32,000 who remain at evacuation centres.”

During the first week after the storm, lumabas ang “bayanihan spirit” ng mga Pinoy. “Makatulong lang kahi’t konti,” katwiran nila.

kung walang volunteers, ano ‘to, komiks?

From Stella Arnaldo’s blog:

“At the offices of many civic groups and private organizations, hundreds of people showed up to volunteer in packing relief goods.

At the Tulong Bayan center at the Expo Centro in Cubao, Most of the volunteers were adolescents as young as 10 years old, along with their kuya or ate in high school and college.

They came in huge numbers, many of them barkadas, classmates or siblings, dressed just in their tees and shorts, wearing their Havaianas. All were just enthusiastic to do their share!
Photos by Leah Navarro

GMA asked world for donations

Our government begged the world for more donations. Sumagot ang buong mundo sa ating panawagan. In less than three weeks, dumaong ang mga barko, ibinaba mula sa mga cargo planes, i-diniliver ng mga trak at container vans ang sandamakmak na relief goods. Cash donations were in the millions of dollars.

But these donations must be coursed through DSWD

Nagpalabas ng directive ang pangulo. Individuals, private companies and other nations were ENCOURAGED to send their donations to DSWD. I blogged about it here and the video of her announcement here.

This PGMA directive sounded suspicious to me then. Now I know why. Here’s the story.

A group of eight people, your ate Ella included, went to one of DSWD warehouses to help in repacking relief goods. We know they need volunteers pero hindi namin akalaing WALANG TAO TALAGA SA LOOB NG WAREHOUSE!

As in sa isang humongous warehouse (1000++ sq.m) NA PUNONG-PUNO NG RELIEF GOODS HANGGANG BUBONG, ISANG DSWD employee lang at ISANG SECURITY GUARD ang tao!!

Kailangang magpa-register at i-schedule ang volunteering

1) UNICEF Registration (as a volunteer)

The warehouse can only take as much as 50 volunteers at a time or per shift. Here you will find that there is a 4-hour shift, and an option for a 6-hour shift for the volunteers to indicate their availability.

What “volunteers”? Nasaan?

Aside from the 8 of us? Nope, there was nobody there. Bakit kailangan ang scheduling? Feeling hindi ba magkamayaw at nagu-unahan ang mga volunteers?

I know somebody who wanted to volunteer many times. She was always bumped off, laging nirere-schedule kasi “there were too many volunteers” daw. At tuwing Sunday lang daw puwede. What the hell is going on here?

Nakatambak ang donations ng UNICEF sa warehouse, local and international

Mga banig na dapat ay nahihigaan ng mga nasalanta. Mga imported camp beds na hindi na yata masisilayan ng mga biktima. Mga kumot na hindi naman nakabalot sa katawan nila. At mga pagkaing hindi sumasayad sa sikmura nila.

The relief goods are not going anywhere

We arrived at about 8 am and left by midafternoon and yes, you guessed it right. Kami pa rin ang tao bukod sa isang DSWD employee sa loob ng warehouse maghapon. Walang ibang dumating.

The relief goods are not moving. By the way things look, they are not going anywhere. Hindi maglalakad mag-isa ang mga donations na ito papunta sa mga evacuation centers.

LET THE PICTURES DO THE TALKING

Note: Pinagbawalan kaming kumuha ng pictures sa loob ng warehouse. I wonder why.

“Not a creature was moving, not even a mouse.”

Parang haunted warehouse ang dating. May multo na yata.

Kahit na daig pa ang tindahan sa Divisoria sa dami ng naka-stack na kaldero

At walang katapusang kaldero pa ulit

Kahit halos natakpan na ang mga bintana sa dami ng mga kahon

Kahit umabot na hanggang kisame ang stack ng mga kahon

(Close up ng Coleman camp beds sa previous photo) Hindi ito kasama sa ni-repack naming goods. Para sa mga “special victims” kaya ito? Ire-repack kaya ang mga “imported” camp pads na ito ever?

Sabagay, may BANIG naman para sa “ordinary victims”. Ito ang kasama sa inimpake namin. Sayang ‘yung imported.

Ano kaya ang laman nito? Hindi rin pinabuksan. Pang-special victim din kaya ito? (teka, dito nga pala galing ‘yung mga kumot)

Mahiwagang mga kahon from Japan Aid.

(close up ng mahiwagang kahon) Hindi rin ito kasali, of course. Hindi namin alam kung ano ang laman nito. “Imported” are not included, we have concluded.

Marami ito, mga laruang kasinlaki ng tao. Hindi nakunan ng pic kasi nasa tabi ng sikyo.

PORK AND BEANS? Yup, you’d think kasama ito sa relief bag. Pork and beans lang ‘to, puwede na sigurong ipamigay,

Naaah! “Imported” pork and beans from Spain po ito. Sorry, hindi pa rin included

Now let’s take a look at what a victim will get from DSWD

Look Ma, sampung lata ng sardinas! How generous! Kaldero ang unang ilalagay sa sako. Sabong panglaba (bar soap) at sampung sardinas sa ilalim. Siyam na sabon sa gilid ng kaldero. Local goods lahat syempre.

Tapos papatungan ng isang tuwalya at isang pack ng sanitary napkin.

Sisiksikan ng tatlong rolyo ng kumot(?) ang blue water jug tapos ipapatong sa kaldero sa loob ng sako.

Last but not the least, lalagyan ng dalawang banig.

Sabay tatahiin na ang sako. O di ba, parang asong tinapunan ng buto ang mga nasalanta? Eniwey, busog naman sila sa SAMPUNG lata ng Mega sardinas

Do not delay

YOU THINK?? WTF is the matter with these people? Mag-iisang buwan na mula nang masalanta ang mga kababayan natin. ISANG BUWAN!! Do you mean “do not delay ang dati nang delayed”?? Shet.

Anong ginagawa ng mga donations na ito sa warehouse?? APAT na warehouse ang nasa loob ng compound na ‘yon! APAT na warehouse na punong-puno ng inaalikabok na relief goods! Relief goods na ayaw yata ibigay sa mga nasalanta. Halatang-halata.

Marami pang pabubulukin

Wow! May bagong shipment na naman! At the rate DSWD is moving, next year na madi-discover kung ano ang laman ng mga kahong ito.

“The first of two of the largest high-energy food shipments from the United Nations World Food Program (WFP) arrived in the country two days ago for victims of storm “Ondoy” and typhoon “Pepeng.”




The biscuits were fortified with essential vitamins and minerals for supplementary feeding to children, pregnant women and the elderly in evacuation camps. Another 100 tons of biscuits will arrive on Oct. 24, in a continuing effort to provide food assistance to flood victims.

Sige, ideretso ‘nyo ulit ‘yan sa DSWD warehouse. Para AMAG naman ang abutin ng biskwit… at sapot ng gagamba.

Conclusion

Sa maghapon namin sa warehouse,nakagawa kami ng 150 sacks of relief goods. 150 bags of relief goods lang ang lumabas sa warehouse na ‘yon that day. At nandoon pa rin sa loob ang mga imported relief goods, safe, sound and packed as the day they arrived.

Nakisakay kami palabas sa isang DSWD delivery van. Gusto sana kaming ihatid ng driver hanggang Makati pero wala raw siyang sobrang gasolina. Ibinaba na lang niya kami sa gitna ng EDSA. Millions of dollars in donations, walang extrang pang-gasolina.

Susulpot din siguro ang laman ng mga mahiwagang kahon at mapapasakamay din ng mga tao…sa ARAW NG ELEKSYON. O mabibili na nila ang mga imported goods na ‘yon sa mga puwesto sa Quiapo at Divisoria.

Suggestions lang po sa DSWD:

Alam ‘nyo palang walang mag-volunteer sa inyo, bakit hindi kayo mag-hire ng mga tao? Bayaran ‘nyo ng arawan para mag-repack. Ang daming walang trabaho, makakatulong pa kayo. Hindi naman malaking kabawasan ‘yon sa bilyong pisong donasyon na natanggap ninyo.

Isa pa, gaano ba karami ang mga sundalo natin? Hindi ba puwedeng ipagawa sa kanila ‘yan? Baka isang araw lang, tapos na ang problema ‘nyo

Bakit hindi ‘nyo ibigay ang trabaho sa mga NGO, churches, private charities, TV stations? I’m sure they are more than willing to help. Time is of the essence. Huwag kayong suwapang. Obvious ba, hindi ‘nyo naman kaya.

Kung talagang gugustuhin ninyong makarating agad sa mga kawawang biktima ang mga donasyong ‘yon, nagawa ‘nyo na ‘yan. Maraming paraan…kung talagang gusto ‘nyo lang.You are the government. You have the power, the resources and the money. You just have to really care.

You are the government. You have the power, the resources and the money. You just have to really care.

desperation

who would have thought that i would resort to lessons from my first year in law school in my hour of need?

Song of the Day: Everybody Hurts (by REM)
When the day is long
And the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life
Well, hang on

taking advice from a best friend

any redemption mankind may have in my eyes has gone down the drain.
fridays don't seem any different from mondays now.
and i thought a hallway held so much potential.

cyberstalking IS bad for the heart.

Song of the Day: Fall At Your Feet (by Crowded House)
You're hiding from me now
There's something in the way that you're talking
Words don't sound right
But I hear them all moving inside you, go
I'll be waiting when you call

from a facebook status update

ang boyfriend, kusang dumarating.
parang sweldo, rata, christmas bonus...
at rollo.

Song of the Day: Time Has Told Me (by Nick Drake)
And time has told me
Not to ask for more
For some day our ocean
Will find its shore.

moving on

it needed a storm for our country to forget about our personal and political agenda.
but everything aside, my heart goes out to the victims of the biggest rainstorm to date.
we will make it through this. it broke us but it did not destroy us. it only made us stronger.
in the wake of a crisis, we find the kindness of strangers.

Song of the Day: Everybody Out Of The Water (by The Wallflowers)
Sideslip, down in, I think of a some place high up a mountain
Smoke clears the fog lifts
Little by little we rebuilt again
But till then,
Everybody out of the water
And up on dry land

for those who want to help out with relief operations, click here.

Students and alumni of the San Beda College of : You may also send the names, addresses and contact details of San Beda College of Law students in need of help to:
Cellphone number 0916 785 9040
Email via thebarrister_sbc@yahoo.com
The Barrister's Multiply Site
The Barrister's Twitter Page (sbcthebarrister)
Plurk (thebarrister)

Please let your student publication know how we can spread information on your relief operations. The Barrister Office can serve as a drop-off point for donations in kind.

to the most immature 20-year old

1. demanding that the toilet seat be put back down does not mean that i am incapable of doing it. it is a lesson in putting back things where you left them

2. while you're under somebody else's roof, live by their rules

3. if someone cuts off your allowance, you have a lesson to learn in budgeting... or you pissed them off

4. you do not bite the hand that feeds you

5. you have nothing to your name so stop bragging.

Song of the Day: Yeah Whatever (by Splender)
And you're primitive...
And you're cynical to me
And I chewed down on the bit
And almost swallowed it

september sun

Welcome to Hong Kong Disneyland!

Birthday Boy and his Best Bud

the new family portrait

A Disney Breakfast (for all those asking, that's a Mickey Mouse Waffle)

GA: WOW! this is the best birthday EVER!

and the birthday boy throws a tantrum ("but mommy, i don't wanna go home!")

Song of the Day: You Can Fly! (From Disney's Peter Pan)
When there's a smile in your heart
There's no better time to start
It's a very simple plan
You can do what the birdies can
At least it's worth a try
You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!!!

minsan

five years apart
a lifetime of memories
a room full of laughter
four tokens
fourteen years of songs
and a baby on the way.

absence makes the heart grow fonder.
distance is an unknown concept.

Song of the Day: Iisang Bangka (by The Dawn)
Dahon ng damo, tangay ng hangin
At di mo matanaw kung saan ka dadalhin
Ngunit kasama mo ako, nakabigkis sa puso mo
Daluyong ng dagat ang tatawirin natin

novel ideas

i had always imagined i would be a columnist or a novelist with moderate success and let go of that dream when i started college. My novel/s would change lives the way any book should.

Ten years later, the ideas for stories are still unwritten but i am still writing. I change lives with a tap of the keyboard and writing with a pen is a luxury. But the important thing is i'm still writing as i sing to the songs of yesteryear.

Song of the Day: What Might Have Been (By Lou Pardini)

I'm ready this time
I know that I'm no longer undecided
Don't want to be a fool wondering
What might have been

chick flick moment

i watched the ultimate chick flick of all time and not one moment without a tear.

although melodramatic, it was the most appropriate movie to watch on a weekend of being a pillar of strength for my friends who need it most and a reunion of a lifetime.

due to overwhelming emotions, i will once more replace my song of the day with a quote from the movie "The Princess Bride":

If your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches.

goodbye, Neverland

today, i have entered the world of deferred payments, interest rates and credit limits.

i have learned RESPONSIBLE purchasing.

the credit card has taught me to control the purchasing power. thank God, i have a wild imagination and i picture any billing statement i might receive when i get the shopping itch.

it's the beginning of the slow cross over the line that separates adulthood and the life of grandpa and grandma's little girl.

i am crossing over to the dark side.

Song of the Day: When I Grow Up (by Garbage)
Blood and blisters
On my fingers
Chaos rules when we're apart
Watch my temper
I go mental
I'll try to be gentle
When I grow up I'll turn the tables
Don't take offense
Better make amends
Rip it all to shreds and let it go

Super Sunday Smackdown

if you insist on ignoring the rules and disrespecting the person who raised you
get the balls to survive on your own.

Song of the Day: Yeah, Whatever (by Splender)
You sit by the phone
With your tongue hanging out
You cradle the flies in the back of your mouth
We don't have to stay friends
Let's pretend to be enemies

Damned if you do
F***ed if you don't
Damned if you do
What if you won't

that old feeling

for random run-ins in parking lots and hallways...
for morning smiles
for simple compliments
and for reminding me of that old feeling
thank you.

Song of the Day: Friday I'm In Love (by The Cure)
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
And as sleek as a sheik
Spinning round and round

goodbye, 80's

in july, the king of pop passed away because of sudden heart failure and what could be a lethal dose of prescription drugs. michael jackson was 50 years old.

august started with the death of an icon of democracy and the reflection of what every filipino should be. 76-year old corazon aquino drew her last breath as her family and friends prayed by her bedside that she may find the peace she had worked so hard to achieve.

a week later came the news that the director of so many generation defining movies was laid to rest. john hughes, director of the brat pack movies, died of a heart attack at the age of 59 while walking in Manhattan to visit his family.

growing up in the 80's, i am thankful for the music, the moves, the belief that an ordinary girl like me could be pretty in pink, that saturday mornings in detention could be fun , that there are other things that are more important than a sweet 16th birthday and the gift of democracy.

it truly is the end of an era.

Song of the Day: If You Leave (by OMD)
We’ve always had time on our side
Now it’s fading fast
Every second, every moment
We’ve got to make it last

tribute

there are no words. she is The Filipino Woman.

Song of the Day: Walk On (by U2)
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly for freedom

anesthetic

i always knew i had a high tolerance for pain. i just didn't know it included physically excruciating pain. now i know how action heroes feel when they go through high-speed car chases after a ten-story drop.

i just keep repeating to myself... "what the world doesn't break, it kills." i'm broken and still alive.

Song of the Day: Hit Me With Your Best Shot (by Pat Benatar)
But thats o.k., see if I care!
Knock me down, its all in vain
Ill get right back on my feet again!

reliving a january night

it's been a while since i've had the twenty-peso feeling.
all i can do is smile
laugh at myself
and hope that it lasts this time.

Song of the Day: Walking on Sunshine (by Katrina and the Waves)
But I just can't spend my whole life just-a waiting for you
I don't want you back for the weekend, not back for a day
'Cause baby I just want you back and I want you to stay

The Colors of Shadows (by cerulean)

another article from www.peyups.com
I watched the light crawl up towards the shadows in my room, lending a sinister countenance to the trees outside the windows. The air was filtered with dust and grime exhausted by the cars that went right past the house. The humid atmosphere was filled with the hustle and bustle of people rushing home after a tiring day.

Despite the noise, I can only feel an acute sense of loneliness.

I could not fathom such longing for things to be different from the way they are. The dream to reach for what I always wanted escapes me time and again. I try to deny that I merely want and do not feel the aching need. But I am more deceptive with myself than with others. I immerse myself in chiaroscuros because I have never known any other way to relieve the silence haunting my soul.

He remains to be the reason for my dementia.

I see the expressionless eyes everyday in my mind. I dared to tread the footsteps that those eyes left behind. It’s a fruitless endeavor for our souls will never meet halfway. Though we reached a different kind of nirvana, a physical exorcism of what should not be, our shadows are too far apart to ever follow the same path, to ever share the same space and to ever share the same joys and pains. And knowing this, I die a little each and every day.

But still I stayed and waited for the crowd to fall silent, for them to stop the chaos wreaking havoc between us, for him to see through the glass wall separating us. I waited for the impossible. For the soul I sought will never find mine. He will never know that I lived under the shelter of shadows just like him, hiding the truth from the rest of the world. Those seemingly vacant eyes will never find out how much I understood his belief that colors are non-existent, just a void of gray shades. He will never realize that I saw colors only through him, every hue mocking me with its clarity and hitting me with a sharp emptiness because I have lost something that never found me.

He will never know that I made him the world.

###############
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me
- Dashboard Confessional

Song of the Day: It's The Same Old Song (by Four Tops)

Precious memories keep a-lingering on
Everytime I hear our favorite song
Now you're gone
Left this emptiness
I only reminisce
The happiness we spent

chick flick

the only thing i hate about chick flicks is that they make me believe that happy endings are actually within reach, never mind that he's in the city by the bay. golden gate bridge has never seemed so far away.

Song of the Day: Doing Just Fine (by Boyz II Men)
And I'm doing just fine
Getting along very well without you in my life
I'm doing just fine
Time made me stronger, you're no longer on my mind.

*ang kanta ng sinungaling

things i'll always be grateful for

no matter how particularly bad the week has been, i always find ways to smile...

Song of the Day: Ever Ever After (by Carrie Underwood)
There is joy to be claimed in this world
You even might wind up being glad to be you

Ever ever after
Though the world will tell you it's not smart

Ever ever after
The world can be yours if you let your heart
Believe in ever after

taking the fall

it's a sad day when the little people are forced to take the blame for stupid things done by those in power.

Song of the Day: Scream (by Michael and Janet Jackson)
Peek in the shadow
Come into the light
You tell me I'm wrong
Then you better prove you're right
You're sellin' out souls but
I care about mine
I've got to get stronger
And I won't give up the fight

close encounters

i was never one to pull rank. but yesterday, i was forced to.

an alleged CIDG officer arrogantly showed me his id, asking for my driver's license and citing me for a traffic violation. my first question was: did he have authority to cite traffic violations? i would admit anything that i did wrong. i was straddling lanes. i almost hit him but any form of apology i contemplated upon left my lips when the man in pambahay clothes and on board a motorcycle flashed an id card with huge red letters declaring CIDG with the most arrogant look on his face. so what if he was CIDG? when it came to traffic violations, we were equals. he was going too fast in his motorcycle and i was straddling lanes.

he was CIDG, he said over and over. he kept flashing the id with the big red letters and asked for my driver's license, which i refused to hand over since i had confirmed he had no authority to do so... until a point where i couldn't take his arrogance anymore. i kept asking if he had authority to ask for my license and he insisted "CIDG na nga ang kausap mo," not answering my valid question. exasperated, i pulled out my driver's license, which incidentally had my IBP id with it. then, all the arrogance went away.

he went away as quick as he came. yet, i still tried to get his name, practically shouting "anong pangalan mo, irereport kita?"

it's sad when you have to resort to trump cards (or rather ID cards) to put people in their places. there has to be some way to stop abusing the power of the ID card.

Song of the Day: We Will Rock You (by Queen)
Buddy you're a young man, hard man
Shouting in the street gonna take on the world some day
You got blood on your face
You big disgrace
Waving your banner all over the place

bill of particulars

And California seemed to draw you like a siren
From a postcard in a letter
Or a frame of film melting

i prayed for our happy ending.

i wasn't specific enough. all the signs pointed to him: the statue on a nightstand in jersey, the street we were looking for during a road trip, a wedding invitation to the city by the bay. i ignored them all and he found another on the east coast. i should have prayed for our happy ending... together.

Song of the Day: Under You (by Better Than Ezra)
You moved in slow degrees,
A sudden memory
You're a Leonard Cohen song
And every now and then I swear I'd see you standing
On a sidewalk, in a restaurant
In a taxi passing by

if you forget me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

- Pablo Neruda

restraining order

it's just perfect (insert sarcasm here). my internet connection stops going wonky long enough to rattle my nerves with an email and a friendster profile.

we should sign an agreement, i'll stay away from the city by the bay and he will not set foot on the city that never sleeps. it won't be forever, just until i exorcise the ghosts of lib affairs past... maybe after another three years.

deleting my friendster account proved to be a good move... i don't want us sharing the same networking site-- not now, at least.

Song of the Day: Here You Come Again (by Dolly Parton)
All you gotta do
Is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you
And in a little while
Youre messing up my mind
An filling up my senses

for the nth time

with only vague moments and stolen glances to hold on to, the sound of a nickname destroyed the wall i had so carefully built to block the memories.

there are signs that lead nowhere and yet say that the torture will never be over and i will always be haunted by the ghost of lib affairs past. and somehow, no amount of exorcism will drive them out.

at night, i ask the stars: do the ghosts visit my samurai when he listens to the same songs or does the san francisco chill shield him from the cold brought on by the hauntings?

Song of the Day: Love Remains The Same (by Gavin Rossdale)

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time, too long defending
You and I are done pretending
I never thought that
I had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far

il postino

in a scene from il postino, pablo neruda told mario (the postman) to walk by the bay , listen to the crashing waves and the metaphors will come naturally.

to watch the movie was like running in silver spring on a chilly autumn afternoon... exhilirating, exciting and magical.

I will forego my song of the day for a beloved Neruda verse:

Sonnet LXXXI (by Pablo Neruda)

You will go, we will go together, over the waters of time.
No one else will travel through the shadows with me,
only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moon.

in the mind of a genius

great minds are the least organized.

a realization from a glimpse of a powerful desk.

Song of the Day: A Day In The Life (by The Beatles)
Woke up, got out of bed
Dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup
And looking up, i noticed i was late

looking busy

i did not find the answer to my question in a book i used during the bar but i found an old joke appropriate to my current situation:

SURVIVAL TECHNIQUES FOR WORK

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do

Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either When you get caught by your boss-- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

Messy Desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

Look Impatient and Annoyed
Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

Appear to Work Late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooksthat you always wanted to read until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g; 9:35pm, 7:05 am, etc) and during public holidays.

coming home

today, i went back to the library i have been forced to love. the first thing i looked at was the table we used to occupy. it's hard to imagine that one year ago, we were there-- stressed and on the verge of breaking down. this year, there are others who face a future as bright as ours-- probably brighter.

this was home away from home. this is where i fell in and out of love, made friends, learned the tricks of sneaking food in, did the tequila dance, sang the cheeseburger song and highlighted many a paragraph. i knew i would always be welcome in the place where i could momentarily forget the gruelling traffic and fast-approaching self-imposed deadlines.

Song of the Day: Never Forget (by Take That)
We've come so far and we've reached so high
And we've looked each day and night in the eye
And we're still so young and we hope for more
But remember this
We're not invincible
We're only people
Hey we're not invincible
So again I'll tell you

Never forget where you've come here from
Never pretend that it's all real
Someday soon this will be someone else's dream