Departure: The End of the Affair

In one episode of Samurai X, Kenshin told Misao, “I know what it feels like to have a burning emptiness in your heart. But sometimes, we have to learn to live without them.”

I watched him get up after putting his books in his bag. He started walking toward the exit. In some weird way, he reminded me of a little boy on the way to school. I sighed as I glanced back at the desk he was occupying not two minutes ago. I miss his books piled on the desk, filled with marks of his yellow highlighter and stars drawn beside important points. I miss seeing him hunched over the notes and books, pen in one hand, the other running through his hair that never stayed in place.

I looked back at his retreating figure opening the door and walking out of the library. It’s always been this way, I was getting left behind, watching him walk away. It’s been years since we did the cha-cha in this very library...since I started this live-in relationship in my own demented little head that eventually led to heartache.

A lot of time has passed... of stealing glances at each other across the rows and columns of desks at the library. Four sets of midterm exams and four sets of finals spent at the library trying to study—and succeeding because he was there. And now, as I watch him walk away, I feel like he’s walking away from two years of kilig and embarrassing moments. It was two years’ worth of unanswered questions and unsaid words.

I stand up and clear my desk of the books. I sling my bag over my left shoulder and start walking toward the exit. I wonder if he ever sighed and glanced back at my desk at one time. I wonder if he missed the books piled on my desk, filled with marks of my pink highlighter and doodles along the margins. Did he ever look at my retreating figure and felt this same pain because we were never meant to spend our lives together? Did the past few years ever mean anything to him?

I ran into him half a year ago. His face stood out among the crowd, the result of searching for him every Sunday morning. He looked straight at me with the blank expression I knew so well. I felt my heart jump at the sight of him and that was the last time I ever saw him. I watched him walk away from me once more, a step closer to fulfilling his plan, one which I will never be part of. I always knew that we were never going to be together but despite that, I always hoped that he would find a reason to stay and that somehow, that the reason would be me.

By this time next week, he'll be gone and it'll be a long time before I see him again, if I ever do. The tears wouldn't stop flowing but maybe this is the sign that I've been praying for. A sign that I should have left the library before he did. I should have left him behind before things got complicated—before I was on the brink of falling in love with him. I realize now that it’s time to let go. I promise myself that I will do everything in my power to accept that affairs never last and the other woman never wins.

They say time does not heal all wounds, it just soothes the pain. There will come a day that I will be able to watch him walk away and smile at the memory of how giddy I used to be and not feel the constant burning pain in my heart. There will be a time that I will be able to accept that I just have to go on without him… and I believe I can.

A Long Walk To Forever by Kurt Vonnegut

They had grown up next door to each other, on the fringe of a city, near fields and woods and orchards, within sight of a lovely bell tower that belonged to a school for the blind.

Now they were twenty, had not seen each other for nearly a year. There had always been playful, comfortable warmth between them, but never any talk of love.

His name was Newt. Her name was Catharine. In the early afternoon, Newt knocked on Catharine's front door.

Catharine came to the door. She was carrying a fat, glossy magazine she had been reading.The magazine was devoted entirely to brides. "Newt!" she said. She was surprised to see him.

"Could you come for a walk?" he said. He was a shy person, even with Catharine. He covered his shyness by speaking absently as though what really concerned him were faraway--as though he were a secret agent pausing briefly on a mission between beautiful, distant,and sinister points. This manner of speaking had always been Newt's style, even in matters that concerned him desperately.

"A walk?" said Catharine.

"One foot in front of the other," said Newt, "through leaves, over bridges---"

"I had no idea you were in town," she said.

"Just this minute got in," he said. "Still in the Army, I see," she said.

"Seven months more to go," he said. He was a private first class in the Artillery. His uniform was rumpled. His shoes were dusty. He needed a shave. He held out his hand for the magazine."Let's see the pretty book," he said.

She gave it to him. "I'm getting married, Newt," she said.

"I know," he said. "Let's go for a walk."

"I'm awfully busy, Newt," she said. "The wedding is only a week away."

"If we go for a walk," he said, "it will make you rosy. It will make you a rosy bride." He turned the pages of the magazine. "A rosy bride like her--like her--like her," he said, showing her rosy brides.

Catharine turned rosy, thinking about rosy brides.

"That will be my present to Henry Stewart Chasens," said Newt. "By taking you for a walk,I'll be giving him a rosy bride." "

You know his name?" she said.

"Mother wrote," he said. "From Pittsburgh?"

"Yes," she said. "You'd like him."

"Maybe," he said.

"Can--can you come to the wedding, Newt?" she said.

"That I doubt," he said.

"Your furlough isn't for long enough?" she said.

"Furlough?" said Newt. He was studying a two page ad for flat silver. "I'm not on furlough," he said.

"Oh?" she said.

"I'm what they call A.W.O.L.," said Newt.

"Oh, Newt! You're not!" she said.

"Sure I am," he said, still looking at the magazine.

"Why, Newt?" she said.

"I had to find out what your silver pattern is," he said. He read names of silver patterns from the magazine. "Albemarle? Heather?" he said. "Legend? Rambler Rose?" He looked up, smiled. "I plan to give you and your husband a spoon," he said.

"Newt, Newt--tell me really," she said.

"I want to go for a walk," he said.

She wrung her hands in sisterly anguish. "Oh, Newt--you're fooling me about being A.W.O.L.," she said.

Newt imitated a police siren softly, and raised his eyebrows.

"Where--where from?"

"Fort Bragg," he said.

"North Carolina?" she said.

"That's right," he said. "Near Fayetteville--where Scarlet O'Hara went to school."

"How did you get here, Newt?" she said.

He raised his thumb, jerked it in a hitchhike gesture. "Two days," he said.

"Does your mother know?" she said.

"I didn't come to see my mother," he told her.

"Who did you come to see?" she said.

"You," he said.

"Why me?" she said.

"Because I love you," he said. "Now can we take a walk?" he said. "One foot in front of theother--through leaves, over bridges--"

They were taking the walk now, were in a woods with a brown-leaf floor.

Catharine was angry and rattled, close to tears. "Newt," she said, "this is absolutely crazy."

"How so?" said Newt.

"What a crazy time to tell me you love me," she said. "You never talked that way before." She stopped walking.

"Let's keep walking," he said.

"No," she said. "So far, no farther. I shouldn't have come out with you at all," she said.

"You did," he said.

"To get you out of the house," she said. "If somebody walked in and heard you talking to methat way, a week before the wedding--"

"What would they think?" he said.

"They'd think you were crazy," she said.

"Why?" he said

Catharine took a deep breath, made a speech. "Let me say that I'm deeply honored by this crazy thing you've done," she said. "I can't believe you're really A.W.O.L., but maybe you are. I can't believe you really love me, but maybe you do. But--"

"I do," said Newt.

"Well, I'm deeply honored," said Catharine, "and I'm very fond of you as a friend, Newt, extremely fond--but it's just too late." She took a step away from him. "You've never even kissed me," she said, and she protected herself with her hands. "I don't mean you should do it now. I just mean that this is all so unexpected. I haven't got the remotest idea of how to respond."

"Just walk some more," he said. "Have a nice time." They started walking again.

"How did you expect me to react?" she said.

"How would I know what to expect?" he said. "I've never done anything like this before."

"Did you think I would throw myself into your arms?" she said.

"Maybe," he said. "I'm sorry to disappoint you," she said.

"I'm not disappointed," he said. "I wasn't counting on it. This is very nice, just walking."

Catharine stopped again. "You know what happens next?" she said.

"Nope," he said.

"We shake hands," she said. "We shake hands and part friends," she said. "That's whathappens next."

Newt nodded. "All right," he said. "Remember me from time to time. Remember how muchI loved you."

Involuntarily, Catharine burst into tears. She turned her back to Newt, looked into the infinite colonnade of the woods.

"What does that mean?" said Newt.

"Rage!" said Catharine. She clenched her hands. "You have no right--"

"I had to find out," he said.

"If I'd loved you," she said, "I would have let you know before now."

"You would?" he said.

"Yes," she said. She faced him, looked up at him, her face quite red. "You would have known," she said.

"How?" he said.

"You would have seen it," she said. "Women aren't very clever at hiding it."

Newt looked closely at Catharine's face now. To her consternation, she realized that what she had said was true, that a woman couldn't hide love.

Newt was seeing love now.

And he did what he had to do. He kissed her.

"You're hell to get along with!" she said when Newt let her go.

"I am?" said Newt.

"You shouldn't have done that," she said.

"You didn't like it?" he said.

"What did you expect," she said--"wild, adandoned passion?"

"I keep telling you," he said," I never know what's going to happen next."

"We say good-by," she said.

He frowned slightly. "All right," he said.

She made another speech. "I'm not sorry we kissed," she said. "That was sweet. We should have kissed, we've been so close. I'll always remember you , Newt, and good luck."

"You too," he said. "Thirty days," he said.

"What?" she said.

"Thirty days in the stockade," he said--"that's what one kiss will cost me."

"I--I'm sorry," she said, "but I didn't ask you to go A.W.O.L."

"I know," he said.

"You certainly don't deserve any hero's reward for doing something as foolish as that," she said.

"Must be nice to be a hero," said Newt. "Is Henry Stewart Chasens a hero?"

"He might be, if he got the chance," said Catharine. She noted uneasily that they had begun to walk again. The farewell had been forgotten.

"You really love him?" he said.

"Certainly I love him!" she said hotly. "I wouldn't marry him if I didn't love him!"

"What's good about him?" said Newt.

"Honestly!" she cried, stopping again. "Do you have any idea how offensive you're being?Many, many, many things are good about Henry! Yes," she said, "and many, many, many things are probably bad, too. But that isn't any of your business. I love Henry, and I don't have to arguehis merits with you!"

"Sorry," said Newt.

"Honestly!" said Catharine.

Newt kissed her again. He kissed her again because she wanted him to.

They were now in a large orchard.

"How did we get so far from home, Newt?" said Catharine.

"One foot in front of the other--through leaves, over bridges," said Newt.

"They add up--the steps," she said.

Bells rang in the tower of the school for the blind nearby.

"School for the blind," said Newt.

"School for the blind," said Catharine. She shook her head in drowsy wonder. "I've got to goback now," she said.

"Say good-by," said Newt.

"Every time I do," said Catharine, "I seem to get kissed."

Newt sat down on the close-cropped grass under an apple tree. "Sit down," he said.

"No," she said.

"I won't touch you," he said.

"I don't believe you," she said.

She sat down under another tree, twenty feet away from him. She closed her eyes.

"Dream of Henry Stewart Chasens," he said.

"What?" she said.

"Dream of your wonderful husband-to-be," he said.

"All right, I will," she said. She closed her eyes tighter, caught glimpses of her husband-to-be. Newt yawned.

The bees were humming in the trees, and Catharine almost fell asleep. When she opened her eyes she saw that Newt really was asleep.

He began to snore softly.

Catharine let him sleep for an hour, and while he slept she adored him with all her heart. The shadows of the apple trees grew to the east. The bells in the tower of the school for theblind rang again. "*chick-a-dee-dee-dee*," went a chickadee.

Somewhere far away an automobile started nagged and failed, nagged and failed, fell still. Catharine came out from under her tree, knelt by Newt.

"Newt?" she said.

"H'm?" he said. He opened his eyes.

"Late," she said.

"Hello, Catharine," he said.

"Hello, Newt," she said.

"I love you," he said.

"I know," she said.

"Too late," he said.

"Too late," she said.

He stood, stretched groaningly. "A very nice walk," he said.

"I thought so," she said.

"Part company here?" he said.

"Where will you go?" she said.

"Hitch into town, turn myself in," he said.

"Good luck," she said.

"You too," he said. "Marry me, Catharine?"

"No," she said.

He smiled, stared at her hard for a moment, then walked away quickly. Catharine watched him grow smaller in the long perspective of shadows and trees, knew that if he stopped and turned now, if he called to her, she would run to him. She would have no choice.

Newt did stop. He did turn. He did call. "Catharine," he called.

She ran to him, put her arms aroud him, could not speak.

(a short story in Vonnegut's Welcome to the Monkeyhouse)

An Exorcism

You cannot quit me so quickly

There's no hope in you for me

I am supposed to be studying, now that the sun has gone down but instead, I unconsciously resurrect a ghost from the past-- you.

I have been haunted by ghosts before and I've banished them into oblivion by burying myself in work, any kind of work. I obsess about something else until they go away on their own. Out of sight, out of mind. Somehow, it doesn't work this time. Running away isn't the solution. Ghosts, they say, have unfinished business. So maybe I need to tell your ghost how I really feel, to let out the words that were never said at the right moment. I think it's high time we finish this now...

We waste the hours with talking

These twisted games we play

We're strange allies with warring hearts

What a wild-eyed beast you'd be

I loved you, though I doubt you realized what was going on... you tend to be stupid sometimes you know. Really insensitive too. I tried to change for you, thought of you as my good luck charm because ever since I met you, everything seemed to go my way. And when you left, things went haywire.

I don't think you would ever know how much you meant to me even if I printed it on a giant billboard and put it up along EDSA. You'd probably shrug it off or smile then drive away.

I just had to let go. I knew we weren't going anywhere-- that this constant thumping of my heart was pointless. You don't hear it anyway. And it was too much for me. I exerted all this effort and you barely even noticed. All you did was to take advantage of the fact that I would do almost anything for you.

Look at us spinning off in the madness of a roller coaster

You know you went off like a devil in church

In the middle of a crowded room

All we can do my love

Is hope we don't take this ship down

Now, as I try to study, I remember how giddy I used to feel whenever you were around... how I used to take the time to fix my hair, pick out my clothes just to make myself prettier for you. I felt I was never good enough for you. With every page I read, I remember the moment we were in the same room, trying to decipher the same paragraphs of the same cases. How you sat on my chair, held my book, gave me a sheet of paper, borrowed my pen, smiled at me... but now, it's time to let it all go. It's all in the past.

The space between the bullets in our firefight

Is where I'll be hiding waiting for you...

The space between our wicked lies

Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

I tried letting you go before. Every time I try, you seem to find a way to weasel your way back into my heart. Of course, the pushover that I was (and still am sometimes), I let you in. I fall for the little tricks and you just walk back into my life... literally. I tested that out-of-sight, out-of-mind theory and I suddenly run into you everywhere I go.

I promised myself once that I would let it go when I'm ready, and that I would be happy without you. You're certainly happy without me. I was perfectly okay for the twenty one years prior to meeting you. I'm sure I'll be okay again. I made it through worse things. And I will make it through this- scratched, bruised, beat but not beaten. And definitely alive.

Now that I've said everything I want to say, I guess I can go back to studying. Maybe there's no particular way to exorcise you, no magic spells, no prayers but I'm sure of one thing, I got rid of the unfinished business. I have to turn my attention back to the books now and hopefully, I won't see your face on its pages.

The space between your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time

You know what... I'm rambling. I never rambled before I met you. I just thought I should let you know.

You move in slow degrees, a sudden memory

You're a Leonard Cohen song

But every now and then I'd swear I'd see you standing

On a sidewalk, in a restaurant

From a taxi passing by...

-Under You (Better Than Ezra)

Birth Right

“Ikaw ang panganay, ikaw na ang umintindi.” Seriously, is there any logical explanation to this sentence?

I appreciate the fact that I’m not an only child and that I get to play big sister sometimes and bully the younger ones around. Fine, I also accept that up to a certain point, I am my brothers’ keeper but there has to be a limit to this.

Yes, I am responsible for looking after them but I am not responsible for the choices they make especially if they have reached the legal age to be an adult. A person can only do so much. And a panganay can only take so much.

A few months ago I was playing with my nephews and the older one was pretty pissed. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was just letting out steam because the younger one was always on his case. The younger one took the toys the older one was playing with and when the kuya played with something else, the younger one would abandon the toy or whatever property he unjustly took to play with the kuya’s new toy. The older one asked me why does he have to give everything up to this spoiled and selfish little brat? I totally got where that came from and the bad thing about it was that I couldn’t come up with an explanation. I honestly told him that this was one problem his Super Ninang couldn’t solve and that when I find a decent explanation or solution he’ll be the first to know.

Why is it that the older one always has to be the one who has to share? And that the younger one is spoon fed? They say that since the panganay is older, we should be more patient. Well, let me tell you people, that argument sucks. These younger siblings will reach adulthood and when they do, are we still supposed to understand the crappy decisions they make and the unfortunate situations they get themselves into? Will we still be expected to understand these things and sometimes be held responsible for them? These are adults who were presented with choices… why can’t parents accept that their spoiled little babies choose to bury themselves in unbelievably deep shit?

Furthermore, we're here to handle what the parents can’t. Some parents can be so blind with what their babies are capable of doing so the older sibling has to step up. And what happens? They take it as a sign of jealousy, want of attention, just plain sibling rivalry. Sometimes I can’t help but think that bad things happen to the people who follow the rules. That society rewards the screw-ups because they think that these people need help. They see them as helpless little people begging for sympathy but in reality, they led themselves to disaster by the &%*@Ked up choices they made. If that’s the way it works, then maybe I should screw my life up too. But then again, I’d still probably get the blame for that for setting a bad example for the younger ones. Older siblings follow every stupid rule in the book and if they make one little mistake, parents let them feel like crap and yet when the younger ones break all the rules and make a roomful of mistakes, they still get the help and the attention and the babying… so much babying that it makes me want to throw up.

Even the Bible's got something against the first born. The first born were struck down by the Angel of Death during the Passover. They're always the ones who are portrayed in an unflattering angle. Haven't we been punished enough with the burden of being responsible for someone else's actions? Have these people never heard of res inter alios acta, that someone can't be held liable for the acts, declarations or omission by another? Seriously, people. Is this what we were actually born to do? To try to undo the mistakes that we had no part in or at least take the blame for them?

“Ikaw ang panganay, ikaw ang umintindi.” So we get stuck with a horrible burden just because we were born a few years earlier? I admire those who understand the true meaning of this sentence because I admit, in the twenty-three years that I have had a younger sibling, I have analyzed this simple sentence over and over, even asked other people to explain it to me and somehow, no one can come up with a decent explanation for the sentence. So what now? Do we just accept it as is? Are we supposed to give up our lives simply because of the order of birth? I’m sorry but if they expect me to take this lying down, I’ve got two words for them… I WON’T.