In one episode of Samurai X, Kenshin told Misao, “I know what it feels like to have a burning emptiness in your heart. But sometimes, we have to learn to live without them.”
I watched him get up after putting his books in his bag. He started walking toward the exit. In some weird way, he reminded me of a little boy on the way to school. I sighed as I glanced back at the desk he was occupying not two minutes ago. I miss his books piled on the desk, filled with marks of his yellow highlighter and stars drawn beside important points. I miss seeing him hunched over the notes and books, pen in one hand, the other running through his hair that never stayed in place.
I looked back at his retreating figure opening the door and walking out of the library. It’s always been this way, I was getting left behind, watching him walk away. It’s been years since we did the cha-cha in this very library...since I started this live-in relationship in my own demented little head that eventually led to heartache.
A lot of time has passed... of stealing glances at each other across the rows and columns of desks at the library. Four sets of midterm exams and four sets of finals spent at the library trying to study—and succeeding because he was there. And now, as I watch him walk away, I feel like he’s walking away from two years of kilig and embarrassing moments. It was two years’ worth of unanswered questions and unsaid words.
I stand up and clear my desk of the books. I sling my bag over my left shoulder and start walking toward the exit. I wonder if he ever sighed and glanced back at my desk at one time. I wonder if he missed the books piled on my desk, filled with marks of my pink highlighter and doodles along the margins. Did he ever look at my retreating figure and felt this same pain because we were never meant to spend our lives together? Did the past few years ever mean anything to him?
I watched him get up after putting his books in his bag. He started walking toward the exit. In some weird way, he reminded me of a little boy on the way to school. I sighed as I glanced back at the desk he was occupying not two minutes ago. I miss his books piled on the desk, filled with marks of his yellow highlighter and stars drawn beside important points. I miss seeing him hunched over the notes and books, pen in one hand, the other running through his hair that never stayed in place.
I looked back at his retreating figure opening the door and walking out of the library. It’s always been this way, I was getting left behind, watching him walk away. It’s been years since we did the cha-cha in this very library...since I started this live-in relationship in my own demented little head that eventually led to heartache.
A lot of time has passed... of stealing glances at each other across the rows and columns of desks at the library. Four sets of midterm exams and four sets of finals spent at the library trying to study—and succeeding because he was there. And now, as I watch him walk away, I feel like he’s walking away from two years of kilig and embarrassing moments. It was two years’ worth of unanswered questions and unsaid words.
I stand up and clear my desk of the books. I sling my bag over my left shoulder and start walking toward the exit. I wonder if he ever sighed and glanced back at my desk at one time. I wonder if he missed the books piled on my desk, filled with marks of my pink highlighter and doodles along the margins. Did he ever look at my retreating figure and felt this same pain because we were never meant to spend our lives together? Did the past few years ever mean anything to him?
I ran into him half a year ago. His face stood out among the crowd, the result of searching for him every Sunday morning. He looked straight at me with the blank expression I knew so well. I felt my heart jump at the sight of him and that was the last time I ever saw him. I watched him walk away from me once more, a step closer to fulfilling his plan, one which I will never be part of. I always knew that we were never going to be together but despite that, I always hoped that he would find a reason to stay and that somehow, that the reason would be me.
By this time next week, he'll be gone and it'll be a long time before I see him again, if I ever do. The tears wouldn't stop flowing but maybe this is the sign that I've been praying for. A sign that I should have left the library before he did. I should have left him behind before things got complicated—before I was on the brink of falling in love with him. I realize now that it’s time to let go. I promise myself that I will do everything in my power to accept that affairs never last and the other woman never wins.
They say time does not heal all wounds, it just soothes the pain. There will come a day that I will be able to watch him walk away and smile at the memory of how giddy I used to be and not feel the constant burning pain in my heart. There will be a time that I will be able to accept that I just have to go on without him… and I believe I can.
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