An Exorcism

You cannot quit me so quickly

There's no hope in you for me

I am supposed to be studying, now that the sun has gone down but instead, I unconsciously resurrect a ghost from the past-- you.

I have been haunted by ghosts before and I've banished them into oblivion by burying myself in work, any kind of work. I obsess about something else until they go away on their own. Out of sight, out of mind. Somehow, it doesn't work this time. Running away isn't the solution. Ghosts, they say, have unfinished business. So maybe I need to tell your ghost how I really feel, to let out the words that were never said at the right moment. I think it's high time we finish this now...

We waste the hours with talking

These twisted games we play

We're strange allies with warring hearts

What a wild-eyed beast you'd be

I loved you, though I doubt you realized what was going on... you tend to be stupid sometimes you know. Really insensitive too. I tried to change for you, thought of you as my good luck charm because ever since I met you, everything seemed to go my way. And when you left, things went haywire.

I don't think you would ever know how much you meant to me even if I printed it on a giant billboard and put it up along EDSA. You'd probably shrug it off or smile then drive away.

I just had to let go. I knew we weren't going anywhere-- that this constant thumping of my heart was pointless. You don't hear it anyway. And it was too much for me. I exerted all this effort and you barely even noticed. All you did was to take advantage of the fact that I would do almost anything for you.

Look at us spinning off in the madness of a roller coaster

You know you went off like a devil in church

In the middle of a crowded room

All we can do my love

Is hope we don't take this ship down

Now, as I try to study, I remember how giddy I used to feel whenever you were around... how I used to take the time to fix my hair, pick out my clothes just to make myself prettier for you. I felt I was never good enough for you. With every page I read, I remember the moment we were in the same room, trying to decipher the same paragraphs of the same cases. How you sat on my chair, held my book, gave me a sheet of paper, borrowed my pen, smiled at me... but now, it's time to let it all go. It's all in the past.

The space between the bullets in our firefight

Is where I'll be hiding waiting for you...

The space between our wicked lies

Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

I tried letting you go before. Every time I try, you seem to find a way to weasel your way back into my heart. Of course, the pushover that I was (and still am sometimes), I let you in. I fall for the little tricks and you just walk back into my life... literally. I tested that out-of-sight, out-of-mind theory and I suddenly run into you everywhere I go.

I promised myself once that I would let it go when I'm ready, and that I would be happy without you. You're certainly happy without me. I was perfectly okay for the twenty one years prior to meeting you. I'm sure I'll be okay again. I made it through worse things. And I will make it through this- scratched, bruised, beat but not beaten. And definitely alive.

Now that I've said everything I want to say, I guess I can go back to studying. Maybe there's no particular way to exorcise you, no magic spells, no prayers but I'm sure of one thing, I got rid of the unfinished business. I have to turn my attention back to the books now and hopefully, I won't see your face on its pages.

The space between your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time

You know what... I'm rambling. I never rambled before I met you. I just thought I should let you know.

You move in slow degrees, a sudden memory

You're a Leonard Cohen song

But every now and then I'd swear I'd see you standing

On a sidewalk, in a restaurant

From a taxi passing by...

-Under You (Better Than Ezra)