banishing the diva non grata

in my graduation column, i wrote about being grateful for everything that comes our way. i somehow gave an optimistic view to all the struggles of law school. one of my best friends said that i was the most positive person she's ever known... that i could cruise by life with a smile and laugh at the biggest of problems. yes, i've had my diva moments but it took a lot to push me that way. i was always the shock absorber, the laughter in the rain, the song in silence. i have made excuses for people who get ticked off at the tiniest of errors (those that anybody would ignore) but somehow the bar sucked the optimism out of me and i've had more than my share of diva moments, complaining about the very things i am grateful for, making excuses mostly for my irrational behavior now. i am not going to spend any time finding out why or how it happened, if it was because of the stress or the music i listened to or simply just because. i might lose much more if i keep on thinking about it.

now, i have a lot of time in my hands and i can spend it looking for what i lost along the way. maybe i will find it on this trip and leave the diva attitude behind. maybe, i will once again find the music in the dead of night and re-learn to look for the rainbow after the rain. maybe, i will re-learn to be grateful for the blessings and the curses.

hemingway said that the world breaks everyone and afterward, many are strong in the broken places. what it doesn't break, it kills.
i refuse to die. the grateful person inside me has been broken but it will heal and will grow stronger. the inner ungrateful diva refused to break (being the defiant little b**ch that it is) and hence, i know that it will perish soon. i hope it will perish.

Song of the Day: Rainbow in the Sky (by Ziggy Marley)

Found i mercy in every sunrise

i am born again from the womb of the night

all i have, i have left behind

minds' eye, eyes, eye

a light will shine