Poor Unfortunate Soul

I'm beginning to think that God is punishing me for my constant laziness.

I lost my voice. I sang my heart out last Sunday and I lost my voice by midnight. I lost it at the worst possible time. It's my turn to examine a witness this afternoon. I've prepared scripts since last week. I printed out neat copies, highlighted the objectionable parts, gave them to opposing counsel and the witnesses. Being the obsessive person that I am, I color coded the scripts, printed out the questions on little cards and prepared the kick-ass outfit (minus the scandalous skirt).

Then came Monday morning. My voice was lower than usual. Pambie, Resly and Mado called it the bedroom voice. I thought it couldn't get any worse but it did. I woke up Tuesday morning with no voice at all and I had to get by using sign language. It was hard trying to keep quiet the whole day. I practically ate a whole box of Claire's Riccola lozenges just so I can talk a little... you know, ask the necessary questions, give the needed answers. I even had to get excused from Poli Rev recitations because it hurt to talk. It reminded me of the Little Mermaid where Ariel lost her voice. Of course, I had no prince to speak of but still.

So I started drinking salabat by the pot and doing everything that the doctor suggested... warm water, warm water with salt, warm water with mouthwash, warm water with my meals, strepsils, antibiotics that made me sleep for ten straight hours...

I'm still waiting for the results. I need my voice by 3pm. I'm still drinking the salabat. I'm still thinking of actually drinking the warm water with salt instead of gargling it. I'm still trying to rehearse the script. I'm ready to sell my soul just to get my voice back. Now, where do I find the squid lady that answers to the name Ursula? Maybe I should try singing "Under the Sea" and she'll come out. Oh, I forgot. I lost my voice.

Sabi ni Mommy...

I believe that Mother knows best... most of the time. This is one of those times.

I grew up hearing my mom talk about my grandmother's brothers and sisters. These people are not human. They don't study, rarely come to class and yet, they take home first prize, the gold medal or whatever the highest honors are. They bring a whole new meaning to the word "overachiever."

A classic story is that of Uncle Fidel, Ate Pau's dad (back when he was in third grade). He was called by his teacher to recite on something about the assignment and so he got out his notebook and read from it. When the teacher looked at the notebook, there was nothing written on it and Uncle Fidel was answering the homework questions on his own, no notes. Nothing.

Mom, according to my grandmother, always went home with honors. She would work hard and actually cry over homework. My uncle was another story. He wouldn't study, play basketball, pull pranks, not go to class and yet he would finish the term with honors. My mom said that Tito Arnold was the real genius and she, my mother, was just hardworking. It was a Castillo trait, according to her. Somehow, all our happy-go-lucky relatives-- the first-class pranksters-- were the geniuses. This is how I came to believe the truth in Aristotle's words... "No great genius ever existed without some touch of madness."

My high school English teacher once told my mom that I was smart, just too lazy. It was why I failed her class and had to take remedial Grammar (which I have to say was an experience I'll never forget). I never believed that... I always thought Miss Asa said that to comfort my mom, that she did not have a dunce for a daughter. My mom, on the other hand, thought I was too much like my uncles... all that mad brilliance bottled up inside.

I am ashamed to say I was the only one who failed the Civil Law Review prelims. I never thought that it would happen since I had a strong foundation in Persons and Family Relations (mag-RPL ka ba naman dun). Plus we got hold of a samplex. How could anybody fail? But I did. I studied for three days, looked at the samplex at the last minute and I failed miserably. I couldn't even muster the courage to tell my mom. I always picture how she looked like the time I told her I failed Crim 1. What more if I tell her that I might not graduate? I resolved to do everything I can so that moment won't come. But apparently, the universe was against me. I got swamped with a lot more homework, extra-curricular activities and what-have-yous that I didn't even have time to study until the night before the exam.

Come midterms, I was terrified that I would be the senior who would not graduate not because of Justice Fernandez or Dean Sundiang but because of CivRev 1, the easiest course during the first semester. But I didn't even finish reading the codal provisions on property. I went in blind, so to speak. All I knew was the law on builders on good faith and their rights. I didn't even remember the movable and immovable properties and I was relying on what I had learned back in second year (which wasn't much).

I got the results yesterday. I passed... with flying colors. I don't know how it happened but I did. I remembered what our driver/confidante said the day of the exam. He said I would pass because I didn't study. Even he noticed that pattern.

So I remembered my mom's stories about my uncles... how they wouldn't study and pass. No, I'm not going to stop studying. I still will but I've got to learn to take it easy, not let the pressure get to me. She always said to relax a little, find the balance between taking it easy and working when I need to. And for that, I thank her.

In Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, there was a line... "If you really want something, the universe will conspire in helping you achieve that dream." The universe did. It gave me my mom.

A breath of fresh air

It's been a while since we've had a baby around, and none of them were girls... I think I was the last baby girl around. You're one of the luckiest little girls ever born and let me tell you why.

You're surrounded by people who love you. You'll never be alone, believe me--not in this family. You'll always have someone to turn to. I'll always be there for you the way I'm always there for your kuyas. Your parents haven't asked me yet but I know that even if they don't I'll still be your Ninang... or at least you'd end up calling me that (makikigaya ka sa mga kuya mo). And true to the forgotten definition of a Ninang, you can always turn to me as another parent (only much more fun... hehe). I will be for you what my Ninangs have been for me. It will be that way even if I have my own children... I will make time for all of you.

You're the only baby girl in the house right now. And let me tell you from experience how much fun it is... You're going to be the center of attention. You're going to be everybody's favorite doll. And also, let me warn you about the disadvantages, little baby. Prepare those rosy cheeks for constant pinching. Prepare your whole body for the neverending cuddling up until the next baby comes. Prepare your ears for the baby talk. But don't worry, it's all done in good faith and it's really enjoyable... at least for us, the people who'd be doing the cuddling. You'll get more than a fair share of hugs and kisses. And they'll be overprotective of you. Plus the endless teasing when the boys start to line up at the doorstep. By the way, prepare to be drowned in dolls and stuffed toys. And remember, Ninang is always here to play with you. I'm willing to forget Poli, Crim and everything else for a couple of hours to spend time with you kids.

Of course, like any concerned adult, I come to you with warnings of the big bad world. Don't let all the attention get to your head. Not everybody in this world will welcome you with the same attitude, baby. And as you get older, you will get hurt. I can't protect you from everything and neither can your parents. As hard as your brothers may try, they can't anticipate each and every harmful thing that would come your way. But if you do get hurt (and I guarantee you that one way or another you will), learn from them. It's what makes us stronger. And know that you can always turn to your family for comfort. Learn from your mistakes, and learn from ours. Listen to other people and when you've exhausted all your remedies, call for help. Say the magic word and Ninang will be there for you... to help you with homework, introduce you to the world of chocolates and shopping, take you to movies and girls' days out (the way I take your brothers on "dates") and just to sit and talk.

Never fail to look at the brighter side of things. There's always light at the end of the tunnel and according to one of your kuya's favorite movies... we fall so we learn to pick ourselves up.

Welcome to the world, Zoe. You're truly a breath of fresh air.

From Mario Puzo's "The Fourth K"

• Being probably the only person in the world who's excited by spoilers, I read the last part of the book before I actually finished it. And I found some thought-provoking sentences. Sabi nga ni Luluness, PATOK!
  

• "She had followed the destiny of power, while most women followed the destiny of love. Were the victories of love sweeter?"
  
• "She believed that in a world of such peril, humankind could not solve its problems with strife but only with a never-ending patience. She would do the best she could, and in her heart try not to feel hatred for her enemies."

Sweetly Terrifying

I've never thought that the Carpenters could ever come up with a terrifying song.

Being the sentimental person that I am (to the point of sappiness), I've always found the song sweet. Until I watched 1408. You've got to see the movie to understand the terror. After seeing the movie, I actually reflected on the song. Yes, that's me, overanalyzing things.

Even without seeing 1408, "We've Only Just Begun" is a scary song. It speaks of a new journey, doing something you've never done before and it's far from over. It speaks of an end of something to make way for a beginning. And endings are always terrifying because you don't know how things will turn out.

Over the deteriorating quality of coffee at Barcelo, Pambie, Claire and I were talking about losing our passion for the law. We were all struggling to come up with ways to regain that passion and this is the part where I say I strongly disagree with Aristotle when he said that "The law is reason freed from passion." To go through what law students go through every day of their lives, to do what lawyers do, you need passion. You need to be so committed to whatever you're doing to be able to go on. And knowing that this is just the beginning and we're losing our passion... the thought scares the bejesus out of me. At this rate I'm going, I'll never survive.

It took a horror movie to snap me out of la-la land where the last year of law school isn't what I thought it would be. A horror movie and a Carpenters song.

And yes, we've just begun...

Dinner at Lau Chan

Most of my friends know the bitterness I've been harboring toward one of the well-liked professors in school. Well, it isn't that big a deal... I'm sure he didn't mean anything by the hurtful things he said and somehow, I have learned to let it all go. I guess it's a sign that I'm growing up. At first, all the blood went to my head and I worked my ass off just to prove him wrong. And everytime I did something wonderful, academically or otherwise, I would remember his comment and I would study harder. Now, I'm tired of all the bitterness and the anger. Yes, I still have to study... twice as hard but it's not to prove him wrong anymore. I'm studying for me.

What changed my mind? I was invited to dinner last Saturday night, his birthday dinner and he was there, the professor I knew before this whole drama began. Then it hit me, he just did what he thought was best--his delivery just needs a little polishing.

If there's anything I've learned from all this, I hold my own destiny. I can't let other people dictate what I'm going to be. I decide where I will be, who I will be and what I will be.
I guess there's a reason why he's a good professor... he teaches both inside and outside the classroom, both law and life.

All I can say to him now is thank you for the challenge. It made me a better person.

There is no anger

It's just you and I and the truth...

God bless and thank you

I now understand the real meaning of regret.

Pagkakataon mo na i-hug! Yes, I should have listened to Pambie. I've got nothing to lose anyway. And as conceited as it may sound, I think you expected it too. Of course, I never delivered. Don't ask me why. I don't know either. I've got nothing to lose anyway.

The only love worth fighting for is one that you can win and

That’s just the way it goes now.

You would not break but you could bend

And for love’s sake you let love end

But I still swear that you were God sent

One year ago, we were almost inseparable and now, the curse of Nikki strikes again. I should've let you know early on... fate plays with the destinies of the men in my life. They go forth and multiply without meaning to, they flunk out of school, they fail a subject or two. I think it's the reason I never wanted to give you any clue as to how I felt. Well, it was kind of a cat-and-mouse game. From the beginning, I knew this was pointless and my only goal throughout this whole thing was not to get caught, lest you get hit by the curse too. I'm superstitious and I don't want to be held accountable if you get hit by lightning, fall off the stairs or trapped in an elevator. Maybe that's why I never entertained actually doing what Pambie suggested. Instead, I made up a lame excuse that I might not be able to control myself and I may kiss you or never let you go (remember, jokes are half-meant).

I call you misplaced but never a waste of my time

Everybody’s gonna make mistakes

But you’ll never be one of mine

Now you're on your way to a new chapter and like all the men in my life, you left me to watch you walk away. One year ago today, I would always get these little messages, phone calls, emails with "Thanks. God bless..." at the end. I used to joke around saying that it was our version of "I love you." I don't get those messages now, not since the reason for you to give me messages ceased to exist. I guess it's for the better-- it'll be easier to let go this way.

I've said almost everything I needed to say... not to your face but at least I got it out of my system. Now I can wish you good luck with a lighter heart and I can say this one last time...

And you stood before me knowing that the wings I have, you gave

And that’s just the way it goes

And I barely have the breath to breathe much less to fly away

And a silence entered the room for a one last "I’m gonna love you."

So God bless and thank you.

Song of the Day: Bittersweet (Sara Bareilles)