movie marathon realization

Roman Myth's Narcissus and the nymph Echo...
History's Antony and Cleopatra...
Wagner's Tristan and Isolde...
Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet...
Hans Christian Andersen's Little Mermaid and her Prince
Vonnegut's Newt and Catherine...
DC Comic's Batman and Catwoman...
Anime's Kenshin and Tomoe...

all great love stories start with complications and end as tragedies.

Song of the Day: When We Dance (by Sting)

Cathedrals are broken

Heaven's no longer above

And hellfire's a promise away

I'd still be saying

I'm still in love

one more ayala moment...

ayala avenue was supposed to be MY territory where there would be no memories other than those i had before all complications and walking was supposed to clear my head. yet, my kenshin finds ways to haunt me from san francisco. he was supposed to linger in the law library... not in the streets of makati.

Song of the Day: Here You Come Again (by Dolly Parton)

All you've got to do is smile that smile

And there go all my defenses

Just leave it up to you and in a little while

You're messing up my mind and filling up my senses

the saga continues...

"Just when I think I'm out, they keep pulling me back in."
-Michael Corleone (from The Godfather III)

a quote brought to you by an ayala avenue run-in.

Song of the Day: Okay Na (by Milk and Money)

Kailan tayo magkikita uli?

Sabi ko hindi na...di na kailangan

Paalam na o giliw ko ako'y lalayo na

Lumigaya ka sana

serendipity (or its absence)

I promised my best friend I will move on... that the performance which included the songs of the past would be the point where I get closure and I guess this is it, my final rambling before I conclude this chapter of my life. All the subsequent ramblings will make minimal, if any, reference to my lib affair.

Last week, a local channel showed its annual pre-Christmas movie-- my annual pre-Christmas movie-- Serendipity. It happened to make both our lists of favorite movies perhaps right beside Love Actually and the soft porn collection that he has. Serendipity has been defined as a fortunate accident, the gift of finding valuable things not sought for. I never sought him out... he just happened to be in line with me wearing that coveted Darth Maul t-shirt and holding his impressive transcript. That was four years ago and I have not lost faith but I have gained practicality. If it has not happened, it probably never will. I am not giving up on love or the nasty but cute little tricks that Fate plays on our mundane little lives but I am growing up though and growing out of him. I have not lost my optimism, I just lost my naivette. It comes with age, I guess.

In the movie, the male lead Jonathan differentiates clues from signs. A clue, according to him, is what a detective uses to find a suspect. A sign is something that happens (or does not happen) which leads somebody to a particular path. I have been bombarded with signs the past two months and the biggest one of all is the grant of a particular wish I made... that I would move on in exchange for a collision. And the higher forces have heard my plea. Now, I am voluntarily moving on. I will not try to forget because that would be impossible but I will try to gradually numb myself from the feelings little things evoke in me.

I was looking through my old articles and I came across the first piece i wrote referring to The Lib Affair published in peyups.com. The article has gained my infamy in the law students' circle. It has been circulated in many law schools, and some have figured out which school library I was referring to. Some made guesses as to who I was talking about and at least one hit close to home. The piece spoke of hope, excitement and an eagerness to find out what tomorrow brings. In short, it spoke of pre-relationship happiness. The catch is that there was no relationship after all the flirting... just a few brief moments that were forgotten too soon. Many who read the article looked forward to a sequel with the expectation of a happy ending, just like any other fairy tale but I think the peyups.com administrators did the right thing of not approving its sequel as it had no happy ending. It did have an ending but it would have made the ecstatic readers despondent over the fate of the affair that never was. I have no plans of crushing people's hopes. Let them assume what happened next, after all, it's more fun that way.

But as for me, I know how it all ends and it is, in a way, a happy ending. I have moved on and so has he. He is in one of what is supposed to be the most beautiful cities and I am trying to find my place in the world. I can't very well do that with something holding me back so I have to let go of a few things. I will only take what I need and I have long established that I do not need him, not at this point in my life anyway.

Should we cross paths again, I think I will be able to smile at him and comment on how we have both moved on to better things.

Song of the Day: Warwick Avenue (by Duffy)
All the days spent together
I wished for better,
And I didn’t want the train to come
Now it’s departed, I’m broken hearted
Seems like we never started

give me a sign

for the past month, i've been bombarded with several clues, signs... whatever you'd like to call it. apparently, the exorcisms weren't enough to banish my ghost. on the nightstand in my godmother's guestroom, there was a statuette of st. anthony. my grandfather took me to a grotto just up st. anthony road by the st. anthony shrine. i was invited to a wedding in san francisco and everybody insists that i would love the city and i should think about staying there for a while before flying home to manila. i said no. i'm not ready for that yet.

the biggest sign of all was last night. i was channel surfing and i came across an episode of samurai x which gave me the wake-up call i needed. the exact moment i came across animax, kenshin began his monologue ending with "i know how it feels to have a burning emptiness in your heart that can only be filled by a loved one. but sometimes, we have no choice but to live without them." yes, there will still be the occasional hauntings but i will say that line over and over to remind me that they're just ghosts that will go away when the dawn comes.

Song of the Day: Still Reminds Me Of You (by Anggun)
And I’ve tried to spend my time with somebody new
But everyone still reminds me of you
I tried to play some songs that’d changed my point of view
But every sound still reminds me of you

the yellow brick road

in the wizard of oz, a lost dorothy had to get to emerald city to see the wizard and find her way home. the good witch of the north told her to follow the yellow brick road and the munchkins echoed the good witch's advice with a song. lacking a yellow brick road in this journey, i remembered what a friend once said: "if you're lost, follow the signs."

i wonder where these signs will lead me.

i don't think i'm quite ready to see the man behind the curtain and click the ruby slippers to take me to san francisco. for now, i'd rather have the illusion that the great and powerful oz does exist.

Song of the Day: Never A Day (by Wood)
Could be a song on the radio
Could be that feeling from long ago
Could be that accidental photo I find
When I'm looking for something else
But I found you

quote for the day

"Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

-Bob Ong

Hopefully, when that time comes, there will only be laughter and smiles and none of the what-might-have-beens.

Song of the Day: Collide (by Howie Day)

I'm quiet you know

You make a first impression

I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

ex-communication

i promised pambie that i will move on and i am trying to. i have been able to function for two hours now and that's not bad.

they say all real pain lasts for exactly 12 minutes from the time it was first inflicted and anything other than that is self-torture. i vow not to torture myself. i think 30 hours is enough to vanquish the memories of an almost lover.

it's time for the ritual. no, i will not burn photos nor will i throw away old messages. i will just keep them without expectations. the night has passed and today is a brand new day.

i will breathe, keep myself busy, say a little prayer and for one last time, bid him goodbye with a "God bless" and "thank you."

Song of the Hour: Bell, Book and Candle (by Eddi Reader)

Just before the thunder roars

I sense you next to me

And as I move through nature

I know where you will be

So I must keep myself apart, here is where I'll stay

With a bell, book and candle to keep your ghost away

almost lover

i am officially the wife of nightfall.

it's my month and my year and my life.

i can let go if i just breathe deep and not expect anything.

i survived through this more than once and wished happiness upon many others.

why should now be any different?

i will walk on sunshine once more

if i just breathe.

Song of the Hour: I Wish You Love (by Frank Sinatra)

My breaking heart and I agree that you and I could never be,

So with my best, my very best, I set you free.

I wish you shelter from the storm,

A cozy fire to keep you warm,

But, most of all, when snowflakes fall,

I wish you love.

note: whoa!this is too much to take in the span of less than 12 hours. two entries in two hours should tell you something

and i pray

i pray that...

i get over the stress that's slowly taking over
i get the strenght to fight the laziness and the psychosomatic illnesses
i get the courage to march along taft avenue, enter the de la salle campus and take the bar
i find my partner to create a beautiful smile

and most of all, i pray that
i pass the 2008 bar exams with flying colors

Song of the Day: Man in Motion (Theme from St. Elmo's Fire by John Parr)

I can climb the highest mountain, cross the wildest sea

I can feel St. Elmo's Fire burnin' in me

making peace but feeling the fear

after three years, i once again saw the professor that put the worst boom boom into my heart.

i have made my peace but the fear never left me.

i respect him but the mere thought of running into him scares the bejesus out of me.

but i will never forget the lessons he taught me. i owe him a big and long overdue THANK YOU.

Song of the Day: The Heart of the Matter (India Arie)

All the people in your life who've come and gone

They let you down, you know they hurt your pride

Better put it all behind you cause life goes on

You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I wanna live happily ever after

And my heart is so shattered

But I know it's about forgiveness

Bittersweet

And you stood before me knowing that the wings I have you gave.
And that’s just the way it goes now.
And I barely have the breath to breathe much less to fly away.
And that’s just the way it goes now.
And a silence entered the room for a one last,
"I’m gonna love you."
So God bless and thank you.

Song of the day: Bittersweet by Sara Bareilles

It was indeed bittersweet.
A memory of walking up the stairs only to find my world had stopped for five seconds.
He is halfway around the world and I am now ready to let go of the "I love you, Sabado" songs.
A visit to reaffirm the friendship that disguised itself as something more.

Top the bar, he said. It's a long shot but will try although there is no promise in that.

Thank you for your faith in me.
They're celebrating 5 years of being together. Happy Anniversary, ID. I wish all the happiness for both of you.

spring cleaning in november

I found a lot of things while cleaning up...

Mommy and Me... vogue-ing at an early age

The beginnings of a genius =P

And the basket case I've become.

The Last Goodbye

I was cleaning my room and found my old diary from summer camp in Ohio. Well, sabi nga ni Pambie, lahat tayo corny nung teenagers so at the risk of being judged for mushiness, sentimentality and cluelessness... let me quote from the diary narrating the goodbye scene. It was the August 2, 1996 entry. I won't mention names but the details are very specific so if he remembers, he's gonna figure it out eventually...

I didn't know how to say goodbye to _________. xxx He came up to me and hugged me for five seconds that seemed to last forever. I told him "You smell like onions (private joke)." And he said, "I know. Bye." I could still smell his cologne (which, let me tell you was intoxicating). I could remember that look in his eyes last night while he was dancing with me. I could still feel his hug and hear his voice when he said "I know. Bye."

Before he left, he wrote something on my notebook and told me not to read it until I got on the plane. I opened it the minute I got on the plane and it said "I love you very much." One sentence brought back the daily morning arguments about milk on Cheerios, holding hands while walking during a trip to Paramount Park, long afternoons at the cafetorium (oh, man, can't believe I still remember that), private jokes about Coca-cola and onions. We were teen-agers who never gave a thought about what would happen after summer.

That was eleven years ago. It was a crush. I've grown up and so has he. We were both meant for greater things.

God bless and thank you

I now understand the real meaning of regret.

Pagkakataon mo na i-hug! Yes, I should have listened to Pambie. I've got nothing to lose anyway. And as conceited as it may sound, I think you expected it too. Of course, I never delivered. Don't ask me why. I don't know either. I've got nothing to lose anyway.

The only love worth fighting for is one that you can win and

That’s just the way it goes now.

You would not break but you could bend

And for love’s sake you let love end

But I still swear that you were God sent

One year ago, we were almost inseparable and now, the curse of Nikki strikes again. I should've let you know early on... fate plays with the destinies of the men in my life. They go forth and multiply without meaning to, they flunk out of school, they fail a subject or two. I think it's the reason I never wanted to give you any clue as to how I felt. Well, it was kind of a cat-and-mouse game. From the beginning, I knew this was pointless and my only goal throughout this whole thing was not to get caught, lest you get hit by the curse too. I'm superstitious and I don't want to be held accountable if you get hit by lightning, fall off the stairs or trapped in an elevator. Maybe that's why I never entertained actually doing what Pambie suggested. Instead, I made up a lame excuse that I might not be able to control myself and I may kiss you or never let you go (remember, jokes are half-meant).

I call you misplaced but never a waste of my time

Everybody’s gonna make mistakes

But you’ll never be one of mine

Now you're on your way to a new chapter and like all the men in my life, you left me to watch you walk away. One year ago today, I would always get these little messages, phone calls, emails with "Thanks. God bless..." at the end. I used to joke around saying that it was our version of "I love you." I don't get those messages now, not since the reason for you to give me messages ceased to exist. I guess it's for the better-- it'll be easier to let go this way.

I've said almost everything I needed to say... not to your face but at least I got it out of my system. Now I can wish you good luck with a lighter heart and I can say this one last time...

And you stood before me knowing that the wings I have, you gave

And that’s just the way it goes

And I barely have the breath to breathe much less to fly away

And a silence entered the room for a one last "I’m gonna love you."

So God bless and thank you.

Song of the Day: Bittersweet (Sara Bareilles)