The Last Goodbye

I was cleaning my room and found my old diary from summer camp in Ohio. Well, sabi nga ni Pambie, lahat tayo corny nung teenagers so at the risk of being judged for mushiness, sentimentality and cluelessness... let me quote from the diary narrating the goodbye scene. It was the August 2, 1996 entry. I won't mention names but the details are very specific so if he remembers, he's gonna figure it out eventually...

I didn't know how to say goodbye to _________. xxx He came up to me and hugged me for five seconds that seemed to last forever. I told him "You smell like onions (private joke)." And he said, "I know. Bye." I could still smell his cologne (which, let me tell you was intoxicating). I could remember that look in his eyes last night while he was dancing with me. I could still feel his hug and hear his voice when he said "I know. Bye."

Before he left, he wrote something on my notebook and told me not to read it until I got on the plane. I opened it the minute I got on the plane and it said "I love you very much." One sentence brought back the daily morning arguments about milk on Cheerios, holding hands while walking during a trip to Paramount Park, long afternoons at the cafetorium (oh, man, can't believe I still remember that), private jokes about Coca-cola and onions. We were teen-agers who never gave a thought about what would happen after summer.

That was eleven years ago. It was a crush. I've grown up and so has he. We were both meant for greater things.

These Days

(submitted to www.peyups.com)

There are days when everything seems like a nightmare… the sleepless nights, the days that drag on and the tears. There are days when it seems like nothing happened, nothing was lost, nothing changed. I would pretend that you’re away on vacation in some exotic place and you’ll be back in a couple of weeks. It’s been a while since I felt the pain.

Sorry I never told you all I wanted to say
Now it’s too late to hold you cause you’re far away

Then there are days like today. These are the days that reality hits me and denial is pushed aside. These are the days that I feel as if you just left yesterday. They say time heals all wounds. It’s not true. I was listening to the radio and I heard the DJ read a quote from someone: Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just soothes the pain. I’m living proof of that. Time does not make you forget the tears, the laughter and the memories. If anything, it just gives way to more tears, more laughter and more memories… a greater possibility for pain.

Never have I imagined living without your smile…

It’s hard to think of a time that you have not been in my life. Even as a baby, you have witnessed the very first time I opened my eyes, my first smile, my first loud burp. You were there to see me take my first step, say my first word and saw me off on my first day of school. You helped me up when I tumbled down the stairs when I was seven and defended me from my father’s belt even if you knew that I probably deserved to be punished.

You picked me up everyday from ballet school and took me to Mc Donald’s where you would be brutally honest with me and told me I had two left feet. You made my costumes for United Nations Day, attaching your pretty little pillow to your favorite blue silk robe because I wanted to dress up as a Japanese in fifth grade. You took time to make me stuffed animals and organize my things for me. I think your obsessive-compulsive streak rubbed off on me. You spoiled me in every way you can… but I treated you badly for many years, thinking you were probably the worst person in the house because you made sure I was grounded and stayed that way when I was incorrigible. I never appreciated the fact that you combed through practically every toy store in the state of California just to get me that Barbie Dream House for Christmas.

We would play Scrabble on hot summer days and you let me win a couple of times and laugh when I tried to cheat. You called me everyday when I was on a field trip to Sagada just to make sure that I was okay. You went all the way to UPLB for my graduation ceremony. You were even more excited than I was when I got into law school. You promised me you’d go to my graduation. You promised you’d have a banner for me when I take the bar exams. You promised a lot of things. But then, I did too.

Whenever I had a problem, I didn’t need to say anything. You knew just what to do. You would comfort me when I was in despair, make me laugh when I needed cheering up and helped me up when I fell down. You made up for the fact that my dad was never really a father. You were a second mother… almost.

Although, the sun will never shine,

I will always look to a brighter day…

These are the days when I feel like it just happened hours ago… the wounds hurt, although not opened. According to a Discovery Channel special, this kind of pain is chronic… the wounds have closed but it still hurts from time to time. I find myself choking back tears and wonder how things would be if you were still here. I find myself asking, Why you? Why now? And I regret a lot of things.

These are the days that I regret that I never said thank you. Thank you for being such a wonderful person. You had your faults but you made up for it by the love that you gave us. You were the link that kept the family together. Thank you for allowing me to think for myself, for teaching me to face the consequences of my actions, for letting me know that nothing is impossible. Thank you for loving me to death.

These are the days I never said I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I never told you a lot of things. I’m sorry I took you for granted, thinking you’d always be here. I’m sorry I swore I never wanted to see you again. I didn’t mean it, you have to know that. Oh god, I miss you so much… I can feel my heart breaking I’m sorry I never told you I love you… until now. These are the days when I find myself crying in the middle of doing my homework or while watching TV. I find myself almost picking up the phone and dialing your number just to talk to you and tell you how depressed I am. Then I remember, you’re not there anymore.

Lord I know, when I lay me down to sleep, you will always listen as I pray…

These are the days I pray to God and thinking of making a deal with Him that I would give anything to have you back but I know you wouldn’t let me. I can almost hear you saying, “It’s my time to go. Stop crying na and have fun. Mag-jacket ka nga, malamig na. Baka magkasipon ka.” Malamig na nga. Lalong malamig kasi wala ka na. May sipon na ako. Kasi I cry a lot on days like these.

I know you’re shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day…

My Real Soul Mates

It's always been like this. I set myself up for a big disappointment. I guess I'm getting kind of used to it. With every crush, affair, relationship I have, I end up losing something, a part of my romantic side I guess. I believe less in love stories and my idea that there are no romantic soulmates out there is reinforced.

But there is one thing I continue to believe in: that although other people will let me down, my friends never will.

Threz, my relatives who I have come to consider as my confidantes. They know my every bad habit, good habit and everything in between. I will never forget our summers in Las Piñas and Cuenca. They have thrown me the best surprise birthday party I can remember, food fights, music and yes, our As. Over the years, we've had our ups and downs but somehow, we found a way to be there for each other. Thing have changed for all of us, we've been separated by the International Date Line and the Atlantic Ocean but somehow, to quote Michael Corleone from The Godfather movies "They pull me back in." I will always keep the letters written in cardboard, toilet paper, stationery and even cigarette packages that have been clandestinely delivered to each other. I will also cherish the late night conference calls and constant taunting and looking out the window with a faraway look in our eyes, thinking of cavemen. I will always find myself singing "Jingle bells, jingle bells it's Christmas time in the city..." in the middle of May and will abuse my vocal chords by reaching the highest notes of the Les Miserables soundtrack. I will look forward to the day that we will laugh at the times that our screams reached the other end of the solar system.

Kahit na anong mangyari, kahit na saan ka man patungo.

The Toxic Nips, who have been there with me during the toughest times of my life, going through adolescence with me. They have gone through the rebellious stage, teeny-bopper stage (well most of them) and the toughest Article 36 days with me. I could never have made it through high school without you. You gave me something to go home to every weekend when I was in college and now, I have a date to look forward to at least once a year. Even though we only have one barkada picture, that one picture holds a lot of memories.

Don't even have pictures, just memories to hold.

Grow sweeter each season as we slowly grow old.

My college blocmates, the future founding members of the EENG Law Offices, and SocioSoc. These people literally gave me a life back in college. While the Toxic Nips gave me something to go home to, you gave me something to look forward to whenever I went back to Los Baños. You have given me survival skills, boosted my self-confidence, showed me how to deal with all kinds of people and professors. You taught me to think outside the box and prepared me for law school in ways I could never imagine. We shared our dreams over bottles of alcohol and somehow we could solve the world's problems when we were drunk. I still have the Fundador bottle from one of our final rites. That bottle holds a message for me. There are others out there who share my dreams of turning this world into a better place for future generations.

But it's always you I run home to... take me home back to where I am free

My Poor People (you know who you are), law school was an adventure because of you. Although I got left behind, you're standing there in the finish line, cheering me on. You kept me grounded and always knew how to make me laugh. You made law school bearable when I couldn't see the point of going on. We shared the tears, laughter and craziness. Thank you for your patience and the company. I miss the library sessions, sneaking in Hot Shots and tikoy, movie dates in the middle of the week, study sessions in the field and in our kuta and classroom hopping. I look forward to September every year for our traditional night of good food, good music and good company.

Salamat, at may gabing nakalaan sa konting kasiyahan.

The June 21 Club, through all the silent dinners, races to the bathroom, torta days, ninja moves and threats of adoption. You have given a whole new meaning to "There's no place like home." I am happy and proud to call you family.

I'll be alright as long as it matters

As long as you're here with me now

Of course, who would forget the Garfield Group and Friends. The people at the far side of the Law Lecture Room where the food flows endlessly and the laughter is constant. Where you would hear the other people singing Hiram or Part of Your World from the other side and laugh silently without anyone noticing. The Garfield Group, who stand by each other through embarrassing recitations, pink tops and ten-foot high cases. According to Pambie, between our seats, there are no spaces.

You were there when I needed you.

You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open.

These people are my soul mates. We're interested in the same things, we enjoy each others' company, we speak the same language and Fate brought us all together and made our lives happier.

Kids Gone Wild

I'm sure there will come a time that the kids will regret they ever had these pictures taken.

Good morning, Kuya Ken (MawMaw)!!!

May ginagawang milagro... I wonder who's on diaper duty...

Cuckoo Kyle, Beehhh Zoe and Clueless Ken
This is what happens when Didays goes on diaper duty

Unti-unting nagmamana kay Ninong G.A.

See what I mean?

Baby Zoe with Tita Zeny, Ninang Gorgeous and Kuya Maw Maw

THE GODMOTHER

(Tababy-O Ken, Tababoy Kyle and Monay Zoe with Ninang Gorgeous)

Motion to amend previous blog

After including the classic "Hiram" in my blog playlist (refer to previous blog Classic Poli Moments), I have realized that I have been singing the wrong words all along. The chorus goes

Di ba, ako'y tao lang na nadadarang at natutukso rin...

Please accept the line as my apology for the wrong lyrics. Although I have no idea what nadadarang means so instead of singing something undefined in my world, I will sing my own version...

Di ba, ako'y tao lang na nangangarag at natutukso rin...
Di ba, ako'y tao lang na nawiwindang at natutukso rin...

Take your pick.

Petition for Change of Name

This is hearsay, inadmissible in any proceeding for any purpose.

Kai and Pambie were walking behind Tuning:
Kai: Tuning! Tuning! Tuning! (Tuning ignores her so she finally calls Tuning by his real name)
Tuning: (turns around) Ako ba tinatawag mo?
Kai: Kanina pa 'no. Pero pag tinawag kitang pogi di ka na magiisip, lilingon ka nalang kagad.
Tuning laughs.

We need a new codename.

Better late than never... an appeal to all ethnic groups

Dear Friends, I have just read and signed the online petition: "Filipino Americans demand for apology from ABC and Desperate Housewives" hosted on the web by PetitionOnline.com, the free online petition service, at: http://www.petitiononline.com/FilABC/petition.html

This is not just about Filipinos or the medical profession. If the writers of the show feel comfortable enough to target a particular group (in this case, our doctors), what's to stop the from slandering other ethnic groups or professions? Who's going to be next? African Americans? Mexicans? teachers? lawyers (though they deserve it half the time =P )? mothers? Chinese?

They say we should focus on our problems regarding poverty and corruption. But with comments like the one given in the show, we will never get the chance to pick ourselves up from where we fell... they will never give us the chance.

People say that the writers and Teri Hatcher should pray that they never find themselves in the hands of a Filipino medical professional because they might exact revenge. But let's prove them wrong. Let's show these insensitive people that we are better than they are, that we will not sink to their level. Let their consciences shout out to them if they ever get sick and are cured by the quality doctors and nurses that came from "some med school in the Philippines."

We're defensive because we know that the statement is an utter falsity. That's our excuse. What's theirs?

*it's sad because i used to think that they had a brilliant script writer to come up with lines that went straight to your heart. yes, the lines do pierce your heart in every way and this time, it made my heart bleed.

Double Chocolate Mint and its effects

But now I feel your presence in a way I could not know
And I wonder, do you ever feel the same?
In whispering darkness, do you ever hear my name?

-Out of My Mind (Duran Duran)

I want a man who...

1. will admit that he can't do everything

2. knows when to take the lead and when to let me do it

3. knows how to ask for directions

4. can carry on a conversation that i will think about long after it's over--the conversation, i mean (inspired by the intellectual stimulation that Pambie's Dudung gives her)

5. covets me (Hay, Tuning, please covet me... hehehe)

6. wants to do the dishes, the laundry, cook and pamper me at least once a year

7. cannot tame me but can run with me (something I realized while talking with Anthony, Claire and Pambie)

8. does not insult my intelligence

9. isn't too perfect (inspired by Claire)

10. will make me forget food with the mere thought of him and make me crave nothing else BUT him (inspired by Kai and her donuts)

Classic Poli Moments

Gem: Ang weird talaga ng classmates natin...
My comment: lalo na pag poli

Nikki: Parang laging happy si Commissioner. Ano kayang nasisinghot nun?

Examples:
1. Di ba... ako'y tao lang na nasasaktan at natutukso diiiiin... (Lalaki ang kumanta)

2. Up where they walk, up where they run.... Up where they stay all day in the sun!!! (Lalaki din ang kumanta pero mataas na boses)

3. In the midst of silence, while everyone was cramming, a voice is heard from the other side of the room... SIYEEEEEEEET!

4. During the recitation of Tuning's seatmate... "Ang ganda ng tsinelas ni Tuning's other seatmate... pearls.
Make a pearl... make a song... make a book..."
Kai: Hay naku, Nikki. Nadadaig ang Da Moves mo. Bukas mag-diamond na tsinelas ka!

5. Rene V.: Ang ganda ni Miss Rosario ngayon... Grooving groovy!

6. Rene V.: Mister Sanchez, what do you think? (No one stands up or answers. Kasi wala palang tao sa upuan ni Mr. Sanchez)

7. Rene V.: Mister Carlos, can I ask you a favor? Sana next meeting mabura na itong nakasulat sa board (permanent marker kasi ang ginamit ni sir). Sabagay, ako din naman ang may gawa nito.

8. Tuwing papasok na si Commissioner (kahit exam), someone from the class starts to say Siiiiiiiiiiir...


It has been a memorable last first semester.

Objects of Covetousness

pambie said, it is man's nature to be covetous. here are actual occurrences that may prove her point...

1. gem: sige na, pag pinahiram mo kami nung notes mo, dadalhan ka ni nikki ng cookies

tuning: pwedeng yung nandun nalang sa box na yun (pointing to my brownie from claire)

nikki: o ayan ha (handing the brownie), show of good faith yan.

tuning inhales the brownie

tuning: uy, thank you. masarap ha. wala bang water.

pambie: one point ka ha, sister.

kai: ang da moves ha!

the next school day:

gem: mr. (tuning's last name) ito na yung notes mo. thank you. (handing the cookies and the notes)

tuning: wala na ba kayong hihiramin?

2. sa barrister office

nikki: hoy, tirhan nyo si claire at si gem

shurl: ubos na eh!

sinong umubos?

3. online this morning:

nikkai: bawal na ubusan sila gem at claire ha. 12 pieces yun, tag 3 kayo.tapos isang box kay shurl. hihihi

Seester: 3 sa akin from you. tapos hingi pa ako ng cookie kay moomy shurl!

nikkai: ay may tawag na dyan! hehehe

Seester: gahaman

nikkai: sakim. corrupt.

Seester: greedy

nikkai: MASIBA

Seester: covetousness

4. leg med

tuning: parang lagi kayong madaming food

pambie: kasi may potluck kami. picnic area yung side namin

tuning: pwede ba lumipat sa inyo? may upuan pa ba dun?

nikki: ha?

5. grave scandal by the gym

two first years went out of the classroom (a couple). the girl was pretty and according to pambie, she looked like she thought of law school as a finishing school kasi laging ayos na ayos.

the girl was smiling and according to gem, the smile looked well... covetous. the boy led the girl past us, toward the dark area behind the gym, beyond the yosi area by fior.

after 15 minutes, they were back in their classroom.

gem: ambilis naman nila
nikki: kaya nga quickie eh.
resly: lagi syang nakaskirt ano?
gem: para easy access.

6. CR escapade during poli rev... tuning sitting on a bench near the drinking fountain by the restrooms and smiles at the girl in blue walking towards him (AKO!!!):

nikki: tinawag ka.

tuning: di nga?

nikki: oo nga. then walks away... a few meters later (wow, ginawang time ang meters)

tuning: tamang-tama pala na lumabas ako

nikki: ha?

tuning: sakto yung labas ko

nikki: joke lang yun.

paglabas ko ng CR

nikki: bumalik ka na sa loob kasi sabi ni sir tatawagin ka na niya.

tuning: di din ako makakarecite ngayon. *coughs* (awww, he's sick)

di ko alam kung hindi siya makakarecite dahil gagayahin niya akong nawalan ng boses o dahil nakatulog sya dahil sa cough medicine kaya di nakaaral. but anyhow, natuluyan ang lagnat nya. absent sya kay duduy eh. sayang di nya nakita ang skirt ng seatmate nya (see no. 6).

6. funny classmate: nahaharass ka na ba ni seatmate mo?

tuning laughs and seatmate cries, according to the storyteller

tuning's seatmate covets him. that is the only conclusion i can come up with.

of course, being my friend, kai said, "hindi yan. mas kulot ka naman dun."

thank you for the vote of encouragement, kai. and thank you, sisterrific for saying that it is natural to covet. that way, walang guilt pag nag-da moves ako. hehehe

*dudung, kalbo and tuning-- nicknames for people that we covet (by we, i mean pambie, kai and myself). ambabaho ano?

"Da Moves"

It's been a while since I felt this way.

All I want to say is thank you to the person who brought the feeling back and unknowingly offered himself to be my guinea pig so I can practice what Kai calls DA MOVES.

Tonight, there was deliberate intent.

Pambie: I think liligawan ka nya. Hehehe

Nikkai: napaka-assuming naman ng "i think" mo. wala naman overt acts to show intent.

Pambie: Dinedeclare ko na at kino-covet for you. Hehehe.

Dyos ko, Sisterrific. Mag-dilang anghel ka sana.

For the Coffeeholics

Smell the Coffee and Wake Up (from http://www.peyups.com/)

an article by jjvl (edited by arwen)

Coffee. The word means different things to different kinds of people. For a few, it means the luxury of enjoying exotic flavors from around the world. To some, it means the chance of pretending to afford and enjoy this luxury. To others, it means daily fare to keep them awake and alert for their daily labor. Finally, for a steadily growing number of Filipinos, it equates with their very survival. Coffee is more than a mere beverage consisting of alkali, sugar and other compounds. It is a symbol of social and economic status, of prestige, and of power. In every stir and sip, and in every drop is the story not only of the person drinking it, but of the society as well.

Drop by a classy café or restaurant. Chances are, you would see at least one person drinking coffee at any given time of the day. The coffee there comes in many different flavors, with a variety of syrups, flavoring, toppings, cream and other add-ons to create a vast combination for drinking pleasure in different sizes. Imagine that you’re modestly well-to-do, if not filthy rich. Take your pick. Order your cup. Read a book and enjoy the comforts of a relaxed lounge atmosphere. Pay your bill: use either cash or credit card for your purchase. Then drive off, feeling better with that one dose of sheer pleasure to make your day.

Now imagine you’re not really rich or well-to-do. Remember: You had to save for this trip to the café, so make it count. You approach the counter and give your order with enough élan and sophistication to shame any high-browed socialite. You find a seat closest to the door where everyone can see you sipping an expensive cup. A friend comes in, and you feign surprise. You invite her to order a cup and join you. Three hours pass, and amazingly, your cups aren’t even half empty. The coffee’s cold, but you don’t mind, as you wave to your acquaintances passing by outside. Yes, that was good, wasn’t it?

It’s midnight, and you have to beat a deadline. Hours pass without much productivity, so you cram. Finding the nearest cup of warm water and a sachet of instant 3-in-1 coffee, you pour everything in and stir. Satisfied with that brownish tinge, you chug it down in one gulp. Now, that ought to perk you up, for the fourth time in two hours. Minutes tick by and your deadline comes closer. God, the stress is killing you. But hey, there’s still one more sachet left to calm you down. You finish a few minutes before deadline, you prepare that last cup and drink it. You feel like passing out, but you’re wide awake. Your head hurts, and it’s driving you mad.

You have a family of seven. You have a job, thank God, but it’s not enough to cover the costs of daily living. At least you have enough to buy rice. Cooped up in the four walls of your flimsy shanty, you prepare another mix of rice and instant coffee powder. That would be enough to keep your children’s stomachs from grumbling, at least for another day. They ate batchoy yesterday anyway, so a little sacrifice today wouldn’t hurt. You mix a little condensed milk for extra flavor, with some water to spread it. You don’t complain – better to eat once than not eat at all. Dinner is served.

In the simplest of things, like coffee, we can see the grim realities of Filipino society. It’s appalling how some could casually spend for their luxuries, while others are at the brink of starvation. A friend once told me how guilty he felt when a street kid asked him for alms when he left a Starbucks. Whether he gave the poor thing anything, I don’t really remember. What’s sad is that many of us don’t really care. I don’t know if apathy and indifference are side effects of caffeine overconsumption. To some extent, there is blood in your coffee. I guess what’s important is that even when we enjoy coffee as a creature comfort, we do not forget those among us whose very survival hangs on a thread. Everytime we perk up, our social consciousness should also get a jolt.

Smell the coffee and wake up.